Family estrangement is a pretty sensitive topic and although most people
believe it only happens to dysfunctional families, it's actually more common than
we think. But why does estrangement happen, and what can we do about it?
That's exactly what we're gonna discuss in today's video.
Welcome back to TLC Thursday, where a weekly video can make your life a little easier.
My name is Christal Fuentes, the Founder
of The Ladies Coach, and your Host and Coach for today.
One of the most painful feelings, is to know you've been estranged from someone you love.
Wheter you're estranged from Mom, Dad or both. Sister, Brother, Auntie, Uncle, Cousin,
estrangement from family members can feel like a gaping hole in your soul.
I mean our first experience of relationships is with our family. Take
that away and it's no wonder why we feel lost, and may grieve the same as we would
the passing of someone. The difference is, these people are still alive so the
sadness never goes away because we continue to feel abandoned. Some of the
most common reasons that have been reported for family estrangement are: a
breakdown in trust, conflicting values, physical emotional or sexual abuse,
perceptions of favoritism, especially within sibling estrangement, family
secrets that have left people feeling scarred, and perceptions of betrayal. I
mean the list goes on. Now before I move on, I want to tell you real quick why I
say "perception of favoritism" or "perception of betrayal." I promise it's
not to belittle anyone's experience, but at the end of the day if we're talking
about relationships there's always several sides to a story, and although
our experiences may feel real and at times are real our experience is not
everyone's experience, and it's important we understand this so we don't take it
personally if what we believe to be true is different from what our loved ones
believe. Before we get into how we can deal with or heal from a family
estrangement, I want you to understand that not all family estrangement is bad.
We're always taught that blood is thicker than water and family is
everything, but that's just not true. It's these types of beliefs that keep us
loyal to people, who may not have our best interests at heart.
If you followed me for awhile, you've heard me discuss the importance of trust,
values, and respect in relationships, but why do we believe just because you're
family, you get a pass? As hurtful as it is to be disconnected from people you
love, it would be even more damaging to allow yourself around people who would
create toxicity in your life. So whether it is your choice to distance, or you're
the one suffering from the distance of someone you love, ask yourself would you
and this person even get along if you had a relationship?
Would you guys respect, value, and care for each other?
Or would your relationship consist of an unnecessary back-and-forth of life
choices, past stories, and past hurts? Trust me,
I'm not saying we shouldn't value family. I am certainly grateful for my family.
But I think we need to change the narrative of what family means, and what
it feels like. Once we do that, we will be able to release the struggle we are
feeling within a certain relationship. With that said, let's get into some ways
we can start accepting the state of our estrangement instead of resisting it so
we don't stay in suffering. "The source of all pain is the inability to accept
reality." Accepting reality doesn't mean we should do nothing it just means that
you're letting go of the story and the perception of loss. So here we go. If
you're looking to heal from family estrangement, here are some things you
could do that might help. Number One: Own up to your part of the estrangement.
This doesn't mean confessing to
something you didn't do, but own up to the actions you participated in that
made someone feel they needed to disconnect. Maybe you weren't as open as
you could have been. Maybe you could have listened to them more. Maybe you said
something that could have been hurtful, that you now apologize for.
Owning up to your part of it no matter the outcome, puts you back in the
driver's seat instead of feeling like someone took something from you.
Number Two: Respect their space. At the end of the day, a relationship is the
choice two people make to participate in. With that, we also have to respect the
choice someone makes to not have a relationship. This is tricky for most
people because we get so wrapped up and what we want, that we overlook the wishes of another.
Number Three: and this is really important and I suggest anyone
who is not just going through a family estrangement, but anyone who has
something they want to release. It's a Hawaiian prayer called the Ho'opono Pono Prayer.
I actually wrote about how this practice helped me and my
mom's relationship in my book. This prayer comes in four parts: I'm sorry.
Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Again, even if you felt someone betrayed
you this is the ultimate practice of release. You hear people talking about
how forgiveness is less about the person that hurt you, and more about setting
yourself free right? Well this prayer is a forgiveness practice. It's also a way
to send love to the person you were apologizing for. Writing a letter in the
form of this prayer, will allow you to express yourself in the most loving way.
You can either send it or do it for yourself, but this very practice alone
will help you to release the story, the struggle, and the hurt.
I truly believe in energy and when you are able to let go and let love, I have
no doubt your loved ones will feel it. it's important to note that just because
you do all of this doesn't mean it's going to rekindle your relationship. I
mean it could, but this is mostly for you. It's just a way for you to let go of the
story, the past hurts, and to forgive yourself and your loved one for the way
things are. Does that make sense? Let me know if it does, and if this video has
helped you. Also if you have any tips you know would help someone going through a
family estrangement, comment them below, we love learning from each other.
Alright beautiful people, if you liked this video please share it, and
remember we come out with videos every Thursday that could help you with your
life and relationships. Also, make sure you head to theladiescoach.com for more
resources that can make your life a little easier. Til next time...