Hello little buns! It is Stef, welcome back to my home!
I recently asked you guys on Twitter what you would like me to do for my 400,000 subscriber special
And pretty much all of the options and suggestions were equally tied
So I've decided I'm going to do most, if not all of the suggestions as regular videos because, like...
We should celebrate every day, you know what I mean? so the first one that I want to do is
So the first one that I want to do is the "Let's read dating app messages"
When I posted the poll, I didn't have any dating apps on my phone
And I was like, well that's not going to work
Because I need, the, you know, apps to get, you know, the messages.
So, I downloaded Tinder
You know, because that's what everybody's usin', that's what the kids are hip with
And we're going to go through and read the messages that I've been sent. You know
Did, you know some swipin' and some pipin'
I didn't do any pipin'. I just did some swipin'.
And we're gonna just read some messages.
Let's go real far back, let's see, let's see. Oh, this is far!
How many people did I–
Oh my God. Okay. *ahem* Okay. Let's see.
Let's see.
Okay, Josh tells me, "You're not going to believe this, but I can run really really fast."
And when I asked him why I wouldn't believe him, he just never responded so I guess he ran away or something.
He just ran so far he can't respond anymore. That's fine.
I have my job listed, right? I have it listed as content creator at YouTube
And a lot of people messaged me the first thing they say is like
How do you get started on Youtube?
Which, you know what, is a valid question, but like,
Let's, okay, let's say that I'm using this app for its intended purpose, which is finding somebody to go on a date with.
We're just going to pretend that's what this is for.
Why would you ask the first question of like how do I get your job? This is not like a business meeting
You know what I mean?
Like I just want to talk about stuff that isn't work
But like okay ask me about that first before you even ask me about like, I don't know, how my day is, you're like
How can I also do that? And it just feels very weird. I don't like it.
This person's like, "Hey there." I'm like, "Hi"
He says–Oh, this is Kaiser(?) by the way.
He says, "So, transgender, eh?"
Like as if, like a job or a noun
Like it's not like, 'So you're transgender, eh?' It's like 'So, transgender eh?' Like what does that mean?
"I'm very sorry if I sound ignorant, but tell me about it I'm genuinely curious"
K that's actually fair, but in my profile right next to the part where I say 'Hey, I'm transgender'
I also say, 'If you're curious, or if you don't understand, ask specific polite questions or do some research.'
So like. "So transgender, eh? Tell me more about it" is not a specific–or, it's a polite...
It's a reasonably polite question, but it's not specific
And I'm like, please. What do I say to that?! What do I say to, "So, transgender eh, tell me more about it"
What do I say? What do I say? Like there's so much to talk about. How do I respond to that? I don't get it.
Gentlemen, come on. Come on, gentlemen.
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.
Oh gosh. This guy asked me if he has to draw me to get my attention
I'm presuming it's 'cause it's linked to my Instagram
And I'm always posting art that people draw
And I'm saying like "No, but if I act like I'm not interested does that make you more interested?"
And he's like, "To be honest, yes."
And I said "I don't like playing games" and then he stopped responding to me so okay sir. Okay.
Why would you want to play that game? That's a waste of time. It's a waste of time, a waste of time.
This guy just messaged me and he's like, "Yeah, I have food poisoning so I'm just laying on the couch dying"
And I'm like, "That's no good, take care of yourself"
Like that's not like a conversation starter
You know what I mean? That's like a conversation ender. You know?
He might as well have said "I have chronic diarhhea"
'Cause like, you don't talk about...Like after you say that the conversation kind of ends. Not because I think it's gross,
It's just like everybody knows if you want to get out of a conversation you say "Oh, I have chronic diarrhea. I have to go."
You know what I mean?
So like why would that be the thing he tells me right off the bat?
This guy just messaged me, "You seem cool"
So I'm like "Aw thanks, so do you" And like, he liked it and then never said anything else.
So I'm like okay. All right. We're cool, then. We're cool. That's it. We're cool.
You know I'm surprised that I don't get more disrespectful messages.
I do put that I'm transgender right in my bio
So obviously like most people would read the bio
Before or after they swipe and match with somebody and then be like,
Okay do I wanna talk to this person or not? So anybody that's rude must move on but I expected honestly way more like
"wHoa wHat da FuCK?!"
You know what I mean?
But I didn't get any. There's none that I can see.
This guy however. He's like, "I'm going to take you on a date so we can both delete this app already"
And then I'm like, "Will it involve your beautiful dog?" because he has pictures with his dog
And he's like, "Dog park and drinks?" and he's like "I just read your profile. Transgender means you were male before?" and I'm like
Okay, that's a specific question, so that's fair, but also I'm exhausted of hearing that same question
And I'm like, "No it means I was assigned male at birth. I've always been a woman, blah blah blah"
And he's like "Oh okay I respect that but it's not really what I'm looking for to be honest" and like okay
I hear a lot of people being like you can't tell people that if they're not interested in transgender people that they're, you know, um...
Discriminating. And what I think they are saying
instead is you can't tell people though that if they don't want to have sex with somebody with a penis that they're discriminating.
I have a penis, okay?
I have not had SRS yet, and I'm pretty sure I want it.
But you know like, him assuming that I haven't had SRS is where the problem lies.
Because what he means is 'I don't want to have sex with somebody with a penis.'
But what he's saying is, 'I don't want to have sex with somebody that potentially has a penis.'
Like tansgender people don't all have penises, you know what I mean?
Like if I was post-op after SRS, there is literally no difference between me and a cisgender girl except I couldn't get pregnant.
There's literally no other difference. So like, unless he wants to make me pregnant, then...
I mean, that would be him saying he's not interested in infertile women, not not interested in transgender women.
It's so hard to explain and people get so fired up because they think, 'Oh you're pressuring men to be attracted to you'
And it's like no, I'm asking that people realize that there are all kinds of trans bodies, and that they're not all the same.
So when you say you're not attracted to transgender people, you're saying you think that we all look a certain way,
that we all look the same and that it's physically impossible for you to be attracted to a transgender person
Which is untrue because he swiped 'like' on me. Swiped right. Swiped right is the good one. Yes.
I wasn't going to be like,
'Oh you should' because this is not about pressuring men to have sex with me with my penis, okay?
This is about creating a better climate for all transgender women
Including the ones with vaginas so I don't know. Whatever. That's a thing that happened.
Sometimes I get messages that are a little bit overwhelming.
There's a lot of people on this app that are married in an open relationship
But they don't tell you that until you've matched with them. Which is like fair, okay.
'Cause if they put it in their profile probably no...
Like, some people might, 'cause like open relationships and polyamory and poly whatever the fuck are very common nowadays.
Especially in cities like Toronto, and I'm okay with it. I'm not going to judge. I'm like, it's not my business.
You know what I mean?
But like I personally am not interested in engaging in relationships like that because I require emotional satisfaction
And obviously poly people can get that, right, but I require from one specific person.
I don't know I have an idea for a relationship that's modeled very closely after my parents relationship
So when I get people like in polyamorous situations, I'm just like 'Oh, it's not for me, I'm sorry.' You know what I mean?
I don't know.
And then sometimes I get messages that are–This is kind of an overwhelming one where it's like three paragraphs long
And I'm just honestly I'm just too fucking tired to respond to three paragraphs, okay? One thing at a time, sir.
You know what I mean? One thing at a time.
Like he's basically like "Hello. I'm so happy that I found you"
"I think it's great what you do for work" And here's where this comes in.
He's like, "I really want to do that job. (basically) Can you tell me more about it?"
And it's like, I understand that what they think maybe is, that's an icebreaker where I can talk about it easily 'cause people like to talk about their work.
But what I'm hearing is, 'I want to use you for social media'
You know what I mean? And it makes me uncomfortable.
They also talk about like, "Oh like maybe you can teach me makeup, I'm really interested in learning about it and stuff"
And like, that's fair
But basically everything that he asked me was 'Can you teach me things? Can you be a professor?
I'm not here to be a professor. You know, I'm not here to be a professor. I'm here to flirt with some people.
I mean, I'm not. I'm here to read these messages for you, but you know like, why would you assume I'm here to be a professor?
I don't know. Makes me uncomfortable.
Oh my God this guy was a dick. This guy was a dick.
He's like "Let's bang tonight."
I'm like "Yikes!"
He says, "Jokes. Come to my party Thursday night at something nightclub. Say my name at the door and get in for free."
I'm like, "You didn't read my profile at all, did you?"
This guy's just a club promoter. He wants people to come buy drinks at his club so he can get a commission.
And he's like "lmao I did hence why I said jokes lmao but I don't judge come party some time"
He's assuming I'm talking about the transgender part. I'm talking about the part where I say, 'I'm a homebody; I don't really go to parties.'
And I'm like, "I don't really do parties haha"
And he's like, "You suck"
Okay, sir. It's totally my fault that I don't want to come buy drinks at your place so you can get money.
Like okay, shut the fuck up. I don't give a fuck. You know what I mean?
You know what? Suck my ass. You know? That's how I feel. That's how I feel.
First thing out of this guy's mouth: "Are you all done with surgical processes?"
You know what...Okay, I understand where people are coming from, they're like
I should make sure this person has genitals that I'm interested in. Because earlier, like I said is
Some transgender people have vaginas and there are many men who might not want to have sex with a woman with a penis
But would have sex with a woman with a vagina.
I'm not going to stop them from having that limitation because like..
Pressuring somebody into sex is not cool at all, okay?
But you don't ask that first, you know what I mean?
And I don't think many men understand this, but when you talk to a cisgender girl on a dating app the first thing you say isn't, "Have you had a boob job?"
Or, "Do you want a boob job?"
But like half the people that I talk to the first question out of their mouth is like, "So you got your boobs done?"
It's like no, I don't want them done. But that's the first damn thing out of their mouth.
And I'm like okay. And I always usually say, I'm like "Would you ask that to any other girl?"
And they're like "Uh, maybe yeah" And I'm like "No you literally wouldn't. You literally would not. So shut the fuck up."
I'm (??) so shut the fuck up. It's how I feel. You know what I mean?
But when it comes to like, vagina and stuff. That question should be asked after we determined that we're both interested in fornicating.
And the thing is, my profile says I'm not interested in hookups. Which implies that we're not going to have sex the first time we meet.
Which implies you shouldn't ask about my genitals. Before it's time. You know what I mean? But whatever.
Oh this guy this guy. He's like... I remember this conversation
Why is the keyboard up? I don't want it.
Every time you exit a conversation it brings you up to the back of your matches and a girl has enough matches, that's a pain in my ass. You know what I mean?
Why is the keyboard here?I don't want the keyboard! Stop. Go away. No. Ugh. Okay, fine.
He basically wanted to use me for practice, and I was like "I don't do hookups"
He's like, "Oh well I just want to improve my trade." It's literally–What does he say?
"'Cause I really want to improve. You're not looking for any kind of hookup thing? 'Cause I really want to improve my thing by experience."
I'm like, "What thing are you trying to improve?" He's like, "idk my giving pleasure to the opposite gender. I want to increase it."
That doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make any sense. "Like everyone is different is the thing."
"You might have great sex with one person and the next person will think it's boring, or what is boring for one person might be extreme for another."
"You do what you think is best."
And he's like, "I want mine to be general" I'm like, K that's like contrary to what I said.
Okay, you can't just–You can't be good at having sex with everybody. That's not possible.
Because everybody has different things they like. So what the fuck, okay? What the fuck?
You think this is like a pinball machine? Where you can always–...
Even pinball machines are all different! You know what I mean? Okay, that's a great analogy, okay?
Everybody's body is a pinball machine and very few are the same, okay?
So you might generally do the same kind of things, but everybody's gonna respond to them differently.
So like, you can't be good at sex in general because everybody likes different things, okay? That doesn't make any sense, K?
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. OH my God.
Goodness.
There's also guys that throw their address or number at you right away. Which is like, okay I could be a serial killer
So you giving me your address is actually really dangerous.
And you giving me your number right away is kind of creepy because I didn't ask for your number yet.
So you're just like giving me like, 'I expect you to text me!' Like I don't fuck with that. Okay?
All right. Then there's the guys that are always like 'You should add me on Instagram' because they're only here for followers.
And I'm like, no, thank you.
You know. No, thank you.
There's also the guys that greet you like 'Hey, sexy' Okay, 'Hey, beautiful' maybe. Maybe, okay?
Even then I'm gonna like, 'Oh, you could say my name.' You know.
Beautiful's like, a nice word. But sexy is just like, okay you clearly see me purely as an object of attraction and sex instead of a person that is here for other things. So...
Uh, goodbye. You know what I mean? I don't know how to explain that. Oh my God I'm so itchy!
I really don't like it when guys greet me with 'Hi sexy' I'm like, I'm not trying to be sexy for you.
I literally have pictures in here with like, my dog and shit, there's no sexy pictures.
So why are you calling me sexy as if I'm trying to impress you with my sexiness?
I just don't like it. It's not appropriate. Dude, stop that.
Then there's guys that are like "Wine at my place winky face ;)" Like I literally have never talked to you before. So no. I'm not coming to your house, okay?
Lord have mercy on me.
Oh and then this guy matched with me and he's like, "Congratulations."
And I'm like okay. You think real highly of yourself sir. Goodbye. Goodbye.
This one guy messaged me and he's like "Is this real life lol?"
I don't know what that means or why it would not be real life. What does that mean?
You know what I mean? I don't know why it would not be real life.
This other guy, just like before kept trying to get me to come to his bar.
I'm not here to give you commission. Okay? That's not what I'm here for, sir. SIR!
Oh my God this guy. First message. "Tryna suck?"
No, no, I'm not. I'm not tryin' to suck. I'm trying to win, okay. I'm here to win.
I'm not here to suck, especially on your penis. So goodbye. You know what I mean? I'm not trying to suck.
Nah!
There's always these guys that have like, dead animals and stuff in their first picture or in any picture.
Okay, I understand like, you know what, you can be a hunter. I'm not gonna attack you for that. That's not my fight.
I have a lot of other fights that I'm working on.
I don't have time for that. But I don't understand in what universe it's attractive to pose with a corpse.
I don't get it. Fish, it's a little bit different because there's no blood, you know what I mean?
But like, the number of men on here that pose in pictures of animal corpses...
This isn't the Caveman days. Okay? You're not going to impress a mate by showing them how much food you can hunt.
We can go to the grocery store and pick up a cup of noodles and I'll be just fine.
K, you don't need to show me the carcass of an animal you're going to skin and cook for my pleasure. That's not how this works.
So, like, stop. Okay? That's just universally kind of a bad time. Kind of a bad time. Kind of a bad time!
*cOugH*
Love that.
Other people like, "Party tomorrow?" Did you read my profile? No.
I actually had a situation back when I used Tinder a lot when I was younger, way earlier in my transition
And I would swipe right like crazy. I was not picky okay, because I figured some more people the bigger the net I cast, the more interesting people I would find.
And that is false, okay? So you gotta be picky on these apps. But I was not back then.
So what ended up happening is people would swipe right on me and THEN they'd read my profile and see that I'm trans
And then they would report me for impersonating somebody else. They would report me implying that I'm not who I am, you know what I mean?
And Tinder blocked me. They banned me. And then the first time they reversed that in like five or ten minutes or like a day or something
Because obviously I didn't do anything wrong. And then the second time it happened. It happened again.
They didn't unban me because I think they're like, 'Oh we'll get to you soon' and then they just never do because you got banned twice.
So I had to literally make a second fucking Facebook just to do this video, so please. I really hope this has been worth it.
And there's the guys that message you like "Sup?" And they're like "WhAt's The PoiNt of mAtcHinG if You'rE noT evEn GoNnA taLk?"
And it's like you didn't say anything interesting so why would I talk to you? You know what I mean?
if we were just you know, I'm never going to say that to somebody that's just making small talk like in the world
Like somebody that's like, "Oh, I like your bags" I'll be like "Oh, thank you" You know, I'll talk to them.
But if somebody comes up to me in public and says "Sup"
Why would I stop to talk to them? Obviously if it's a viewer that's a very different situation.
But if a random dude comes up and tries to flirt with me by saying "Sup" You're not going to entice me, okay?
So when you do it in text form, which doesn't even have a voice, which is way less interesting
You're getting like, double negative at this point
And then you lash out at me for not responding when you didn't do anything interesting at all. So the problem is not with me here, okay.
You know, if you want attention on a dating app, do something interesting, you know what I mean?
Don't just say "Sup" and then get angry when we don't talk to you. Thank you. Thank you!
You could do anything else. You can send me a gif of a whale and say "Whale hello there" and I would be way more interested in talking to you than if you just said "Sup"
Or "Wats up" I don't have time. There's not enough TIME!
Okay, here's an example of a good intro message, please listen.
Hey, I'm [Name Redacted]
"I like long walk to the fridge, cuddling by the Netflix, and only charging my phone to 3% because I'm dangerous."
This is a very clearly rehearsed pickup line that he probably copies and pastes from his notes thing all the time.
But just gives us conversation fodder, okay? We could go and talk about food.
We could talk about Netflix shows, or shows in general.
We can talk about um, what phone he has, what provider? We can talk about anything dangerous.
There are many avenues that you can go from this, but when you say "Sup" there's nowhere to go, okay?
So please learn the lesson. Thank you. I'm a teacher! See, I'm teaching. I'm a professor.
I told you why do I come here. Obviously I think I must be a professor because that's all that I do on this app.
*ADORABLE SHREE*
My God.
And then this guy. Have I told you guys about chasers before?
Chasers are guys that specifically seek out trans women because they think that the penis is really hot and it's kind of fetishizing.
And you know, you might be thinking 'Well you said that men who don't wanna date a person with a penis shouldn't, so why are you mad that this person wants to?"
There's a difference between somebody being Interested in you as a person and somebody being interested in you because of your genitals.
And I'm not interested in being interested in somebody that is only interested in me because of my genitals.
I want them to like me [or a number of reasons.
If the only reason that they swiped right for me is because I have a penis, that's not gonna cut it okay?
Not gonna cut it. Not gonna.
Okay I'm not extremely promiscuous, But I've met a number of men in the past couple of years since I started transitioning
Who are not chasers who have no problem engaging sexually with a person with a penis that is a woman and are 100% straight or see themselves as 100% straight.
So it is totally possible for people to be open to it without being fetishy and creepy. Okay. It's real. It exists. It exists. I promise.
Anyway, I feel like that's enough., you know...
(PROCESSING)
Until next time just remember you are super cool. You are loved and lovable and I love you. I love you.
So you know what somebody says you are not loved, you tell them "Stef Sanjati loves me, okay?"
Because I do, I do, I really do.
If you have any experiences of your own with strange or odd or annoying or you know really common and unfortunate messages you get on apps like this or even just in general, in general situations
Please let me know in the comments, I'd love to hear your experiences, especially other transgender women
Because there are a lot of tropes and messages that we get all the time.
With that being said, I'm going to head out again.
Until next time you're loved and all that stuff. Iloveyousomuch! Bye!