I want to talk about a survey that I read recently.
It's a company called SurveyMonkey.
And it polled professionals across the country,
found out that 85% of Americans are happy with their job.
And my first thought was SurveyMonkey sounds
like a great place to work, because I imagined cubicles
all lined up with little monkeys in the cubicles,
and headsets on them, and little clipboards.
And I thought, how adorable that would be to work there.
And then I thought Ellen, snap out of it.
You already have a job you love.
I get to walk out here to the best audience ever.
Everyone-- ever.
I get all the free mints that I want.
I know what Ryan Gosling smells like.
You want to know what he smells like?
Pickles.
Sweet, sweet pickles.
Another thing I love about my job--
look at me and Jennifer Aniston.
Yeah.
I mean, who else gets paid to kiss Jennifer Aniston?
I guess Paul Rudd, and Adam Sandler,
and David Schwimmer, and Charlie Day,
and Gerard Butler, Ben Stiller.
Man, she gets around, huh?
Now that I think about it.
I also-- I get to kiss Howard Stern.
That's to remind me I prefer kissing girls.
Only because of the beard-- he has the-- otherwise,
I'd hit that.
He's not the only man I've gotten close to.
Two words-- Channing Tatum.
Yep.
So I had to go to the Magic Mike Live Show.
And-- it's my job.
And he smells like patchouli and money, is what he smells like.
I've danced with presidents.
I've beaten the first lady in a push up contest.
I've hugged Oprah and taken $100.00 out of her back pocket.
She didn't even notice it.
And I guess what I'm trying to say
is, thank you for allowing me to do this amazing job that I
have.
Without you-- thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Because without you, I would be a handsy nobody.
And that stuff would be illegal.
So--