It takes two, right? I meanm we all know that, But how do you save a marriage if
only one is trying? You're going to get 9 specific hacks to do that. Marriage
is a team sport and that's why this is such a frustrating topic. If you're
working on it yourself, if you're not getting much help from your spouse,
there's still hope. There's a lot of reasons why this is true. I've heard so
many times that marriage is a 50/50 proposition, right? You've heard that too.
You do your half, I'll do mine. We'll meet in the middle. You know there's all these
different analogies that we use for it. 50/50 doesn't work. I have honestly not
seen that work well. Because let's be honest about it. You're doing your half,
aren't you? Yeah. That can be so frustrating. Here's something that I've
found that works so much better. Let's change the ratio. How about 95/5. 95/5 is
the hardest thing that I ask people to do when I'm doing marriage coaching. It
honestly is probably the most difficult thing that I'm going to ask you to do in
this video as well. And that is to assume that this is 95% on you. And we're
only expecting about 5% from your spouse. I know. Kind of frustrating on the
surface. But let me share with you why this works. First of all, you don't have
any control over your spouse, do you? He is going to do what he's been doing.
She is going to continue to act the way she's been acting. You don't have any
control over their behavior. We're getting back to where you do have
control and that's yourself. And honestly that's hard enough. But that's where you
have some control. 95/5. You know what? Anybody with a pulse can do 5%. What that
means is your spouse is already doing enough. I know. This is about where people
turn off the video. But stay with me because if you take that position, you're
in a position of power now where you can actually do something. As long as you're
waiting for or expecting or hoping that your spouse does something, it's going to
frustrate you and it's going to annoy your spouse. So, in your mind, you create a
new mindset that says I am 95% responsible for this relationship.
Take it on. Right here, personally. Now, it's going to be tempting for you to
think... I know you're going to do this because I do it too.
You're going to think, "You know what? Things would just be so much better if
my spouse would just..." Yeah, then fill in the blanks. You know why
you're going to think that? Because you're right.
It would be better if your spouse would just straighten up. But that's not useful.
Because as soon as you identify what they can change, they get all defensive
and feel criticized. Notice that this is true. Focus on your own responsibility, at
least 95%. And then we can do something about it. Now, what are you
going to do with your 95%? That's where the hacks come in. 9 hacks. 9
surefire marriage hacks. Here they are. I'm not even going to spend a lot of
time on each one. I'm just going to give it to you. Hack number one, positivity. You put
yourself in a positive position. If you need some help with that... Oh, we got a
whole bunch of videos here that are going to help you with that. So dive into
those. Here on the positive personal development playlist you'll find what
I'm talking about. Stay positive. Hack number 2. Values. Get
clear about the values that drive this thing in the first place. Why did you
create this? Little disclaimer. Sometimes it's easy to forget about all the
reasons why you came together in the first place when you're in a conflict or
when you've got problems that you're dealing with. Put those aside long enough
to remember that you had some very good reasons based on values and purpose that
you got into this in the first place. Remember that. Get focused on the values.
Hack number 3. Humility. Humility and the willingness to change. One of the
things that gets us in the trouble the most is that we know we're right. Yeah.
It's not that you think you're right. You know you're right. And because your
spouse does too, this is what's creating the conflict. It's all about who's right
instead of what's right. Remember hack number 2 about values. That's what's
right. Humility. Tune into it hack number 4. Forgiveness. This is
your willingness to allow other people to change. It's not holding them hostage
by their past behavior. Forgiveness is giving up your demand for a better past.
Hack number 5, respect. I still remember a group that I ran years ago
with a group of juvenile delinquents that were referred by the court. We were
talking about respect. One of these kids had on sideways, he's got a bolt through
his nose and he said all this attitude and he says, "I respect those
respect me." And I'm thinking, "Oh, wow! That's really mature." What if you were to
respect others because you are a respectful person. Has nothing to do with
them. Why do I respect you? Because that's who I am. To see how much more powerful
that is? Alright, let's move to hack number 6. Love. Choose love. Every
interaction you have with your spouse is going to be on the love side or the hate
side. And I picked the word hate because people hate that word. What's the
opposite of love honestly? You get to choose. Is my interaction with this
person going to be a love choice or a hate choice? Choose love. Hack number
7, compassion. Compassion is kind of like love but I think it adds this
kindness element where we really have empathy and experience a surge of
kindness toward that person. Notice that these hacks don't depend on your spouse,
do they? No. And I know. I warned you about this up front. When we go through
these hacks, you're going to notice that your spouse could be doing a better job
with probably all of these and even though that's true, it's not useful.
Remember the 95/5. You stay focused on yourself.
Here's hack number 8, work. Be ready for some good old-fashioned hard work.
It's going to take some. Don't be afraid of it. Hack number 9, wholesome recreation.
Yeah, have some fun even if you have to do it yourself. You
take care of elevating your own mood. These 9 hacks, in my experience are
absolutely consistent and can change the outcomes. And you don't even need the
input from your spouse. 9 hacks. Well there you go. And
more resources here in the positive relationships resources playlist. Check
it out.