>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
yes, I am wearing my springtime greys, because check your
calendar -- IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT
TERM, IT'S A LIST OF THE MONTHS THAT USED TO MARK THE PASSAGE OF
TIME.
AND TODAY MARKS ONE YEAR SINCE THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
DECLARED COVID-19 A PANDEMIC.
PRIOR TO THAT, IT WAS ACTUALLY CATEGORIZED AS A LEGUME.
I THINK WE ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE NEWS,
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL STILL THERE.
OF COURSE, IT'S ALSO THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST
TIME I LYSOL-ED A BANANA.
BUT NOT THE LAST.
NONE OF US IMAGINED THAT THIS WOULD ALL STILL BE GOING ON A
YEAR LATER.
CASE IN POINT-- I THOUGHT I WAS PESSIMISTIC WHEN I SAID THIS IN
THE FIRST SHOW WE DID AFTER LEAVING THE THEATER:
PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE HUNKERED DOWN IN THEIR
HOMES TO RIDE OUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS COULD GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS.
SO, GET COMFORTABLE.
oh, Stephen, now naive you were.
FIRST, IT WAS GOING TO BE EIGHT WEEKS.
THEN EASTER.
THEN MEMORIAL DAY.
THEN FOURTH OF JULY.
IT'S WORSE THAN WAITING FOR THE CABLE GUY.
THE C.D.C. SHOULD HAVE JUST ISSUED A STATEMENT, "YOUR
PANDEMIC WILL END SHORTLY.
PLEASE BE HOME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:00 A.M. AND THREE YEARS
FROM NOW."
TOMORROW NIGHT, IN HONOR OF OUR YEAR IN CAPTIVITY, WE'RE
PRESENTING "A LATE SHOW'S QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL: THE
YEAR THAT TOOK 100 YEARS BUT WAS ALSO SOMEHOW ONE LONG DAY."
I'LL BE TAKING A LOOK BACK AT THE PANDEMIC, WITH MY GUEST
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
AND THE FAUCETTES.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE COMMEMORATING THE PANDEMIC
ANNIVERSARY.
TONIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN TRIED TO STEAL MY THUNDER BY GIVING
HIS FIRST PRIME-TIME ADDRESS SINCE TAKING OFFICE.
NOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SPEECH YET, BECAUSE WE TAPED THIS
BEFORE NOW.
BUT APPARENTLY THE BIG BOMBSHELL IS THAT THE PRESIDENT WANTS ALL
ADULT AMERICANS TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR THE VACCINE NO LATER THAN
MAY 1.
I JUST WANT TO SAY-- AND I MEAN THIS IN THE MOST HOPEFUL WAY
POSSIBLE-- MAY DAY!
MAY DAY!
BIDEN IS LOOKING BEYOND MAY BECAUSE HE'S ALSO EXPECTED TO
SAY, "TOGETHER, WE CAN ALL CELEBRATE A MORE NORMAL FOURTH
OF JULY WITH FAMILIES AND FRIENDS."
YES!
FINALLY, WE CAN ONCE AGAIN GATHER ON THE FOURTH OF JULY TO
SAFELY BLOW OUR FINGERS OFF!
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS SCENE IN INDEPENDENCE DAY.
>> WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!
WE WILL NOT VANISH WITHOUT A FIGHT!
WE'RE GOING TO LIVE ON!
WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE!
TODAY... WE GET A HAIRCUT!
>> Stephen: TO GIVE OUT ALL OF THESE SHOTS, BIDEN IS EXPECTED
TO ANNOUNCE THAT DENTISTS AND VETERINARIANS WILL BE ABLE TO
ADMINISTER THE VACCINE NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT, VETERINARIANS.
THEY'LL HAVE THE PFIZER, THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON, THE MODERNA,
AND THE ALPO-ZENECA.
THE WHITE HOUSE SAID THE SPEECH WOULD BE ROUGHLY 18 MINUTES.
THAT'S PRETTY PRECISE FOR A "ROUGHLY."
WHY NOT JUST SAY "20 MINUTES?" AMERICANS CAN HANDLE AN EXTRA
TWO MINUTES.
WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE TV ANYWAY.
WE LIVE THERE NOW.
BUT I SUPPOSE IT'S EASY TO BE THAT PRECISE WHEN YOU KNOW THE
PRESIDENT IS ACTUALLY GOING TO READ THE SCRIPT AND NOT GO ON
TANGENTS ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO USE A LOW-FLO TOILET ON A SEX
BOAT.
AIDES SAID THAT THE SPEECH WOULD PAY TRIBUTE TO THE SACRIFICES
AMERICANS HAVE MADE DURING THE PANDEMIC, WHILE PREVIEWING A
COMING RETURN TO SOME SENSE OF NORMALCY.
SOUNDS NICE, BUT WHAT THE HELL CONSTITUTES NORMALCY?
EVEN BEFORE COVID, THERE WAS SYSTEMIC RACISM, GLOBAL WARMING,
HALF OF US HEARD "YANNI," HALF OF US HEARD "LAUREL"!
THIS WORLD IS CHAOS!
OUR NEW PRESIDENT IS DOING ALL HE CAN TO GET VACCINES INTO AS
MANY ARMS AS POSSIBLE.
AND HE'S GETTING HELP FROM HIS PREDECESSORS WITH THIS NEW
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> RIGHT NOW, THE COVID-19 VACCINES ARE AVAILABLE TO
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.
AND SOON, THEY WILL BE AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE.
>> THIS VACCINE MEANS HOPE.
IT WILL PROTECT YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE FROM THIS DANGEROUS AND
DEADLY DISEASE.
>> I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MOVE
AROUND.
>> TO VISIT WITH MICHELLE'S MOM.
TO HUG HER, SEE HER ON HER BIRTHDAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IS GOING TO
OPENING DAY IN TEXAS RANGERS STADIUM WITH A FULL STADIUM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY LOVELY.
I THINK IT'S GREAT THE FORMER PRESIDENTS CAN COME
OUT AND DO THAT AD, BUT KIND OF AN INTERESTING CHOICE FOR "W."
"YOU LOSERS.
WHO CARES ABOUT WORK OR HUGGING YOUR MOTHER?
I WANT TO GO TO THE BALLGAME, SO I CAN GET A COMPLIMENTARY
CHILD-SIZE COWBOY HAT FILLED WITH ICE CREAM AND HOT FUDGE.
FIRST, YOU EAT THE ICE CREAM OUT OF THE COWBOY HAT AND YOU GET TO
TAKE THE COWBOY HAT HOME.
THEN I'LL PUT MY LITTLE COWBOY HAT ON A BOBBLE-HEAD THAT WILL
ACT AS A SCARECROW TO FRIGHTEN OFF MICE WHO TRY TO EAT THE
REMAINING HOT FUDGE FROM MY COWBOY HAT.
IF I'M AMONG THE FIRST 15,000 IN THE STADIUM, I'LL ALSO GET A
MINIATURE SOUVENIR LOUISVILLE SLUGGER THAT I CAN BOP THE MICE
ON THE HEADS WITH.
IT'S A W.M.D.: WEAPON OF MOUSE DESTRUCTION."
BOP BOP!
BOP BOP! I'VE WORKED ON THAT IMPRESSION FOR YEARS.
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE WE'RE NOT MISSING FROM THIS P.S.A.
BECAUSE THE AD FEATURES GEORGE W. BUSH, BARACK OBAMA, BILL
CLINTON, EVEN JIMMY CARTER.
BUT THERE'S NO SIGN OF THE LAST GUY.
MAYBE HIS INVITE GOT LOST IN THE MAIL.
BECAUSE HE DESTROYED THE POSTAL SERVICE.
OL' 45 WAS LEFT OUT OF THE POTUS P.S.A. PARTY, BUT HE DID PUT OUT
HIS OWN STATEMENT ABOUT THE VACCINE.
"I HOPE THAT EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHEN THEY'RE GETTING THE
COVID-19-- OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE CHINA VIRUS-- VACCINE, THAT
IF I WASN'T PRESIDENT, YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING THAT
BEAUTIFUL SHOT FOR FIVE YEARS, AT BEST, AND PROBABLY WOULDN'T
BE GETTING IT AT ALL.
I HOPE EVERYONE REMEMBERS!" FIRST OF ALL, UNBELIEVABLY SAD.
SECOND, ALSO PATHETIC.
THIRD, HOW DID WE EVEN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS?
HE CAN'T TWEET THIS STUFF!
DID HE JUST PRINT IT OUT AND STAPLE IT TO TELEPHONE POLES
AROUND PALM BEACH?
HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST RELEASED "EX-PREZ WILL TAKE
CREDIT... AND TEACH YOU GUITAR!" WE BANNED HIM FROM TWITTER.
CAN WE BAN HIM FROM PAPER?
IS THAT POSSIBLE?
ONE CHINESE ENTREPRENEUR IS DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO MAKE
SURE THE WORLD NEVER FORGETS OUR FORMER PRESIDENT.
BECAUSE HE'S SELLING A STATUE OF HIM POSED LIKE THE BUDDHA.
NOW, YOU MIGHT SAY HE'S NOTHING LIKE BUDDHA, BUT AFTER FOUR
YEARS, HE DID CONVINCE ME THAT LIFE IS SUFFERING.
THE STATUE DEPICTS THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HANDS FOLDED IN HIS
LAP, THUMBS POINTING OUTWARDS, A POSE FROM BUDDHIST ART THAT
SIGNIFIES MEDITATION AND CONTEMPLATION.
WHILE IN REAL LIFE, IT'S A POSE THAT SIGNIFIES, HE'S GOT HIS
HANDS NEAR HIS CROTCH, GET OUT OF THERE!
ONE THING THE SCULPTOR DID GET RIGHT IS THE ATTIRE.
OUR FORMER PRESIDENT IS FAMOUS FOR HOW GOOD HE LOOKS IN A ROBE.
TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED HIS COVID RELIEF BILL THAT GIVES
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS $1,400 CHECKS, AND ACCORDING TO WHITE
HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI, PEOPLE COULD START SEEING THAT
SWEET CASH VERY SOON.
>> SINCE THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT-- THE DEPARTMENT OF
TREASURY, AND THE I.R.S. ARE WORKING HARD TO GET RELIEF
PAYMENTS OUT THE DOOR AS FAST AS POSSIBLE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
PEOPLE CAN EXPECT TO START SEEING DIRECT DEPOSITS HIT THEIR
BANK ACCOUNTS AS EARLY AS THIS WEEKEND.
>> STEPHEN: SO, AMERICANS, DON'T WORRY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR BAIL MONEY IN TIME FOR ST. PATRICK'S
DAY.
THE PLAN IS WILDLY POPULAR, SUPPORTED BY 75% OF AMERICANS.
NOTHING IS POPULAR WITH 75% OF AMERICANS, OTHER THAN MELTED
CHEESE, TOM HANKS, AND MELTED CHEESE ON TOM HANKS.
AND THE ENORMOUS POPULARITY OF THIS BILL IS A PROBLEM FOR THE
G.O.P., BECAUSE IT RECEIVED ZERO REPUBLICAN SUPPORT.
IT'S THE WORST POLITICAL DECISION SINCE THE WHIGS OPPOSED
THE ICE CREAM AND ORGASMS ACT OF 1824.
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, ALSO ICE CREAM.
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU FIGHT LIKE HELL TO STOP SOMETHING, DOESN'T
MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR IT.
JUST ASK MISSISSIPPI SENATOR AND MAN REMEMBERING WHERE HE LEFT
HIS TEETH, ROGER WICKER.
HOURS AFTER THE BILL HE OPPOSED PASSED, WICKER TWEETED,
"INDEPENDENT RESTAURANT OPERATORS HAVE WON $28.6 BILLION
WORTH OF TARGETED RELIEF.
THIS FUNDING WILL ENSURE SMALL BUSINESSES CAN SURVIVE THE
PANDEMIC BY HELPING TO ADAPT THEIR OPERATIONS AND KEEP THEIR
EMPLOYEES ON THE PAYROLL."
WHEN REPORTERS CALLED HIM ON HIS CRAP, WICKER FIRED BACK, "ONE
GOOD PROVISION IN A $1.9 TRILLION BILL DOESN'T MEAN I
HAVE TO VOTE FOR THE WHOLE THING."
COUNTERPOINT-- YEAH, IT DOES.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THE PART OF THE BILL YOU LIKE UNLESS YOU VOTE
FOR THE REST OF IT.
THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T HEAR THIS AT A WEDDING:
"DO YOU PROMISE TO TAKE THIS WOMAN AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED
WIFE?
FOR RICHER OR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TILL
DEATH DO YOU PART?" "UH, I'LL TAKE 'RICHER' AND
'HEALTH,' PLEASE."
FINALLY, IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, THERE'S A HOT NEW CLIP FROM A
SPORTS BROADCAST ON ESPN COLOMBIA.
MY FAVORITE OF ALL THE SPORTS CHANNELS I DON'T WATCH.
NOW, BEFORE YOU SEE THIS, I NEED TO PREPARE YOU BY INTRODUCING
OUR BELOVED SEGMENT: "KEEP IN MIND: EVERYONE'S FINE!"
>> I'M OKAY!
>> STEPHEN: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: ON TUESDAY NIGHT, AN
ENTIRE WALL CAME CRASHING DOWN ON JOURNALIST CARLOS ORDUZ
DURING THE SOCCER SHOW "ESPN-FC RADIO."
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE FOOTAGE NOW, AND KEEP IN MIND,
EVERYONE'S FINE!
SO HERE'S THE SHOW.
JUST SOME REGULAR SOCCER REPORTING, ORDUZ IS ON THE LEFT
THERE, AND, OH MY GOD!
"WALL!" AGAIN, ORDUZ IS FINE.
AND ON THE UPSIDE: HE CAN NOW ENTER ANY ROOM HE WANTS JUST BY
SLIDING UNDERNEATH THE DOOR.
THE BEST PART IS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER ORDUZ GETS HIT.
CHECK OUT HOW THE HOST OF THE SHOW REACTS:
( SPEAKING SPANISH ) >> STEPHEN: THAT IS
PROFESSIONALISM, FOLKS.
SOMETHING THAT ALL OF US IN THE INDUSTRY CAN ASPIRE TO.
MARK, CHRIS, IF THE CEILING CAME AND CRUSHED EITHER ONE OF YOU, I
WOULDN'T BLINK.
LET'S DIG INTO THIS STORY.
FOR MORE, WE TURN TO MY WRITER FELIPE TORRES MEDINA, WHO IS
ACTUALLY FROM COLOMBIA.
HI, FELIPE!
>> HI, STEVE!
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, SO, THAT REACTION WAS AMAZING.
DOES THIS KIND OF THING HAPPEN A LOT IN COLOMBIAN SPORTS
REPORTING?
>> NO, STEVE.
BUT ORDUZ-- THE GUY WHO GOT HIT BY THE WALL-- HE KEPT HIS COOL.
HE DIDN'T EVEN CURSE.
SEE, NORMALLY, WHEN A COLOMBIAN STUBS THEIR TOE OR SOMETHING,
THE REACTION IS "HIJUEPUTA!" WHICH BASICALLY MEANS "SON OF A
WHORE!" BUT ORDUZ SAID, "HIJUEMADRE,"
WHICH MEANS SON OF A MOTHER!
>> STEPHEN: OH, SO HE KEPT IT P.G.
>> TECHNICALLY, "P.G."
>> STEPHEN: AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, ORDUZ IS PERFECTLY FINE,
RIGHT?
>> ABSOLUTELY, STEPHEN.
NOT A SCRATCH.
HE'S DOING GRUUUUGH...
MOTHER DUCKLING!
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO BILLY CRYSTAL AND AARON PAUL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪