WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIG NEWS TODAY--
THE BIG NEWS TODAY IS THE BIG THING THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN
YESTERDAY, WHEN, THANKS TO THE FILIBUSTER, SENATE DEMOCRATS'
BIG VOTING RIGHTS BILL, THE "FOR THE PEOPLE" ACT, FAILED 50-50 ON
STRAIGHT PARTY LINES.
THE REPUBLICANS ( BOOING )
THE REPUBLICANS INSTEAD SUPPORTED THE "FOR SOME OF THE
PEOPLE-- WE CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, BUT YOU KNOW WHICH ONES WE
MEAN-- ACT."
( LAUGHTER )
EXPLANATIONS FOR BLOCKING THE BILL.
BUT THE CREME DE LA DUMB CAME FROM SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND
MAN REALIZING HE LEFT THE HOUS ( BOOING )
WITHOUT HIS TOP TEETH, MITCH McCONNELL.
BEFORE THE VOTE, McCONNELL EXPLAINED WHY OUR COMPLETELY
DYSFUNCTIONAL SENATE IS ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL.
>> THE SENATE IS ONLY AN OBSTACLE WHEN THE POLICY IS
FLAWED AND THE PROCESS IS ROTTEN.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THIS BODY EXISTS.
TODAY, THE SENATE'S GOING TO FULFILL OUR FOUNDING PURPOSE.
>> Stephen: YES, THE SENATE'S FOUNDING PURPOSE: TO DO
NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
"ALL LEGISLATIVE POWERS HEREIN GRANTED SHALL BE VESTED IN A
CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH SHALL CONSIST OF A SENATE,
WHERE ONE WIZENED, ANCIENT TURTLE-MAN, WITH NO REGARD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THE SELF-PRESERVATION OF HIS OWN
POWER, SHALL, WITH HIS POCKETS STUFFED WITH GREASY BAGS OF
MONEY, STRANGLE THE HOPE OF ALL WHO DARE TO DREAM OF TRUE
DEMOCRACY.
AND RECOGNIZE APRIL AS NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CONGRATULATIONS ON NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH.
THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE.
DESPITE THE SETBACK, DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR VOWED TO
FIGHT ON.
>> SO, MY REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES, THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE
FOR THIS BILL.
THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE.
>> Stephen: AND THANKS TO REPUBLICANS, THAT'S SOMETHING A
LOT OF VOTERS WILL BE HEARING.
"THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE.
THIS IS THE BEGINNING.
THE LINE STRETCHES AROUND THE NEXT THREE BLOCKS.
ALSO, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO GIVE YOU WATER.
IF YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN WATER, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE IS NO
PLACE TO PEE, UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR BOTTLE OF WATER.
OVER-- THAT SUNK IN.
OVER IN THE JUDICIAL BRANCH, THE SUPREME COURT IS ISSUING A
FLURRY OF DECISIONS BEFORE THEIR SUMMER BREAK-- THEY'VE
BEEN WORKING HARD TO FIT INTO THEIR BEACH ROBES.
TODAY, THE COURT RULED IN FAVOR OF A PENNSYLVANIA HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADER, WHOSE SCHOOL KICKED HER OFF THE J.V. CHEER SQUAD
AFTER SHE FAILED TO MAKE THE VARSITY TEAM AND THEN POSTED A
SNAPCHAT RANT SHOWING HER AND HER FRIEND HOLDING UP THEIR
MIDDLE FINGERS WITH THE CAPTION "(BLEEP) SCHOOL, (BLEEP)
SOFTBALL, (BLEEP), CHEER, (BLEEP) EVERYTHING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
THAT STRUCK A CHORD.
I CAN SEE WHY THEY MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT THE GIRLS DIDN'T HAVE
THE MOST POSITIVE ATTITUDE FOR THE CHEER SQUAD.
"THIS TEAM SUCKS, YOU DUMB CUCKS,
BIIIITE MY ASS!"
THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT.
SQUATS.
THE COURT RULED THAT SHE COULDN'T BE PUNISHED BECAUSE HER
SNAPCHAT WASN'T ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.
THE RULING WAS 8-1, WITH THE LONE HOLDOUT, CLARENCE THOMAS,
WHO LATER ISSUED A SCATHING DISSENT ON SNAPCHAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
THAT WAS-- THAT'S TRUE.
THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
HOLD ON!
I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE GETTING BREAKING NEWS ON THE NEW YORK
CITY MAYORAL ELECTION.
IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, WITH 84% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, "THE
LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO FAR, BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS IS IN THE
LEAD.
BUT HE DID NOT GET 50% OF THE VOTE, SO IT'S ANYONE'S GUESS
WHO'S GOING TO WIN IN THE END.
ONE PERSON HAS ALREADY VOTED HIMSELF OFF THE ISLAND OF
MANHATTAN: FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND MAN WHO IS GOING
TO GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL ON THIS AMERICAN FLAG, ANDREW YANG.
LAST NIGHT, YANG CONCEDED THE RACE.
THIS HAS GOT TO BE A DISAPPOINTMENT, BECAUSE YANG
STARTED STRONG, BUT IN THE END, HE WAS BETRAYED BY HIS LONGTIME
FRIEND: MATH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOTTA STING.
THAT'S GOTTA STING.
>> Jon: YEAH!
GOT HIM GOOD!
>> Stephen: AS NEW YORK GETS BACK TO NORMAL, MORE NEW YORKERS
ARE LOOKING TO GET STRANGE, WHICH IS WHY THIS WEEK, THE NEW
YORK CITY DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH UPDATED THEIR GUIDELINES FOR
SAFER SEX AND COVID, INCLUDING ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT KINKY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "KINKY" LIKE "CITY GUIDELINES."
"OOH, BABY, I'M GONNA BACK MY CAR RIGHT UP TO YOUR LOADING
ZONE, (WHISPERS) EXCEPT TUESDAYS FROM 11:00 TO 4:00.
HEY, BABY, HEY, BABY YOU WANNA BRING SOMEBODY ELSE IN
HERE AND PARK THIS THING ON ALTERNATE SIDES?"
( LAUGHTER )
MAINTAIN SOME SOCIAL DISTANCE BY "BEING CREATIVE WITH SEXUAL
POSITIONS AND PHYSICAL BARRIERS, LIKE WALLS."
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE SEX AROUND A WALL, CONGRATULATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING )
AND IF YOU ARE USING A SEX WALL, MAKE SURE THERE IS A STUD EVERY
18 INCHES.
( LAUGHTER )
GET VACCINATED IF YOU ATTEND SEX PARTIES, HAVE GROUP SEX, OR SEX
WITH PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW-- ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO DO NON-SEX
STUFF, LIKE GO TO THE MOVIES.
SOME OF US WOULD RATHER "SEE" F9 WITH PEOPLE, THAN GO TO A
PARTY AND "EFF" NINE PEOPLE.
THAT'S GOOD.
I WANT TO SEE THAT.
BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO A SEX PARTY-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
MANY OF YOU ARE-- THEY MAKE IT CLEAR: PICK LARGER,
MORE OPEN AND WELL-VENTILATED SPACES.
WAIT A SECOND, DOES THAT MEAN THAT THERE USED TO BE SEX
PARTIES THAT WERE POORLY VENTILATED?
"ALL RIGHT, WE GOT 40 PEOPLE COMING OVER FOR THE FLESH PIT.
THEY ARE ALL GOING TO BE HOT, OILED, AND SECRETING, SO SEAL
THE WINDOWS AND JAM A TOWEL UNDER THE DOOR, BECAUSE I
WANNA LOCK IN THE AROMA LIKE WE'RE IN A CROCK POT FULL OF
BALLS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S-- ♪ ♪ ♪
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE-- HERE'S THE THING, JON-- AND HEAR ME OUT
ON THIS ONE.
EVERYONE HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE.
I WAS A YOUNG MAN, A YOUNG TEENAGER.
I HEARD STORIES AND RUMORS IN THE ADULT SEX WORLD THAT THERE
WERE SEX PARTIES AND ORGIES AND FLESH PITSZ.
THEN I GREW UP AND FOUND OUT THERE'S NONE OF THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.
BUT THIS-- THESE GUIDELINES...
( LAUGHTER )
( BLEEP ) THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERING )
DON'T-- I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE-- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT
THESE ARE NECESSARY.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THAT THERE ARE SEX PARTIES GOING ON
AROUND THE CITY.
I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY-- >> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD!
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
>> Stephen: STAND UP.
NO, THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LIKE THE HAT, THOUGH.
I LIKE THE HAT.
I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY AT THE CITY HEALTH DEPARTMENT WHO WANTS
TO HAVE AN ORGY, AND HE GOES, "WHAT IF I PUT UP THE GUIDE.
MAYBE IT WILL JUST START HAPPENING NOW."
THAT'S MY THEORY.
SPEAKING OF THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO SMELL, WE HAVE AN UPDATE
ON FORMER PRESIDENT SCOOBY COUP.
( LAUGHTER )
REPORTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO
STOP "S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM.
COME ON!
( BOOING ) NO MATTER HOW MAD HE GOT, WHO IN
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WOULD FOLLOW THAT ORDER?
>> COULD IT BE...SATAN?
( APPLAUSE )
REFUSED.
( LAUGHTER )
DENIED THE CHARGE, BUT ADDED, "I DID SAY, HOWEVER, THAT ALEC
BALDWIN HAS NO TALENT, CERTAINLY WHEN IT COMES TO IMITATING ME.
THE ONE WHO HAD WHAT IT TOOK WAS DARRELL HAMMOND."
WELL, GUESS WHAT, BULDY?
( AS TRUMP )
IMPRESSION FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS ONE... I AM-- THE AM THE FIRST ONE WHO ADMIT MY
IMPRESSION SUCKS ASS.
AND IT WON ME A PEABODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
NEVER AGAIN.
>> Jon: NEVER AGAIN.
>> Stephen: NEVER AGAIN.
>> Jon: LET IT GO.
YOU DON'T NEED IT.
>> Stephen: IT IS POSSIBLE THE ONLY REASON HE DIDN'T SINGLE OUT
MY IMPRESSION IS THAT IT WAS SO BAD, HE DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS
DOING HIM.
( AS TRUMP )
FIERSTEIN?" "I DON'T KNOW EITHER."
AT LEAST EVERYONE AGREES HOW AMAZINGLY DEAD-ON MY IMPRESSION
OF JOE BIDEN IS.
( AS EDWARD G. ROBINSON)
MEH.
I RUN THIS TOWN, BANG, BANG."
I'M JOKING.
OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S ROBERT DE NIRO PLAYING JOE BIDEN.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT THE ELECTION
AND OMINOUSLY CLOSED HIS STATEMENT HINTING AT THE QANON
CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HE WILL BE REINSTATED WITH THIS RHYME:
"2024 OR BEFORE."
NAH ( BOOING )
I THINK YOU'RE 2021 AND DONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
SPEAKING OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HIS DAUGHTER AND
SON-IN-LAW DON'T WANT TO, BECAUSE REPORTS SAY THAT
IVANKA AND JARED KUSHNER HAVE DISTANCED THEMSELVES FROM THE
FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS CONSTANT COMPLAINTS.
THAT COMPLAINT?
( AS TRUMP )
DAUGHTER?
DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
WE'RE BOTH FAMILY."
( LAUGHTER )
SOMEWHAT MUTUAL, BECAUSE INSIDERS SAY THERE IS JEALOUSY
FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT ABOUT KUSHNER'S "SEVEN-FIGURE BOOK
DEAL."
EARLY REPORTS ARE THAT JARED'S BOOK IS GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE
JARED: GLOSSY AND NO SPINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OUT WEST, CALIFORNIA IS IN THE GRIP OF A DROUGHT AND THAT'S
CAUSING SACRAMENTO DRINKING WATER TO TASTE LIKE DIRT.
BUT ONE CITY OFFICIALS WARNED RESIDENTS, IT MIGHT NOT TASTE
GREAT BUT IT'S STILL SAFE TO DRINK.
AND WAS IMMEDIATELY SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT BY
MICHELOB ULTRA.
BRACE YOURSELF.
THERE'S SOME EARTH-SHATTERING NEWS FROM THE SANDWICH WORLD.
A RECENT LAB ANALYSIS OF SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICHES FAILED TO
IDENTIFY ANY TUNA D.N.A.
YES, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW SAMPLING TUNA SALAD'S GENETIC
FINGERPRINTS.
YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT THE HUNT FOR AQUATIC D.N.A. ON
"SEA-S-I MIAMI"!
AS SURPRISING AGZ THE NEWS WAS, MORE SHOCKING IS HOW THEY
REVEALED WANT RESULTS OF THE D.N.A. TEST.
>> YOU ARE NOT-- >> TUNA!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS!
STICK AROUND!