Hi, I'm Paul Friedman. I'm the founder of The Marriage Foundation and today's question
because it is a question, and it's a good question is, is divorce better than an
unhappy marriage? It's a good question however, it's not the ultimate question
you should be asking. First of all, if you have children it's not better.
Honestly, you are better off for the children's sake staying together even if
your marriage was unhappy and granted that is my personal point of view. It is
based on statistical evidence of what happens to children, who have to go
through a divorce. However, I'm going to admit it's
my personal point of view but what this is really all about isn't a question
about whether you should get a divorce really it's a question about what you
should do now that your marriage is unhappy. I'm going to move this over
to that. You got married to be happier than you were otherwise, right? And in the
beginning when you got to know each other
you realize this is the person who I feel good enough about that I want to
spend the rest of my life with, and most people think this is my soulmate. They
feel a connection at the heart level and in the mind, they've already done an
evaluation to determine, "Oh, this is a good person. This is the right person." And
then you get married and things start slipping, sometimes slowly, sometimes it's
indiscernible in the beginning, how it's slowly but surely slipping. You don't
have that happiness that you expected and rightfully so.
You don't have that happiness that you expected. Let's take a look
at that first, shall we? Let's examine, why not? I'm going to fill you in on what
I've discovered to be the number one unhappiness causing problem that occurs
in every single divorce and it's called "over-familiarity." This actually is the
root of all your other problems, pretty much. And how does that happen what it
means is, when you first got together you were very careful to be considerate, to
be polite, to want to know what your spouse or soon-to-be spouse liked, and
what they didn't like, and you were careful not to step on their toes to
make sure you didn't say things that would hurt their feelings. But what
happens is, we all go into a marriage with expectations that are frankly not
reasonable. We have expectations that our spouse is going to make us happy and I'm
telling you that's an unreasonable expectation because only you have the
power to make yourself happy. When you put that expectation on your spouse
you're setting yourself up for failure. You're also setting yourself up to fall
into a cycle where they don't deliver your happiness and so you become
dissatisfied with them. You start finding flaws, you start criticizing and this
cycle builds, and you have a descending situation, and you have a marriage that's
falling apart. Until at some point, you're going, "Man, this just sucks.
I want out. Am I going to be happier when I get out?" Well, no
because as someone who I knew once said to me wherever you go you bring yourself
with you and this is what happens to couples when they get a divorce.
Generally, they're going to get more than one because they haven't learned how to
be married and here I'm getting to what I think is the most important point of
this whole video and that is that unless you know how to be married. Really? Know
how to be married and don't tell me you do. You're going to have problems, it's
inevitable. Marriage is complex; it's not this simple little thing just
because everyone does it doesn't mean it's simple and we have over a 50%
divorce rate which pretty much proves that most people get it wrong which in
my mind proves that most people never learned how to be married. They didn't
choose the wrong person. Situations, circumstances didn't cause the
unhappiness. The unhappiness is caused by you're not knowing how to be married so
that's kind of like step 1. Now I know that most people don't understand this
because we have counselors who respond to emails on a daily basis and it's a
free service, and many many times these emails start off with, "I've done
everything I could." These people are sincere, 100% sincere. We know that, they
have tried everything they could that they know to try but they don't really
understand marriage just like you. You probably really don't understand
marriage and I'm sorry if that offends you but, where did you learn it? You
didn't learn it in school. You didn't almost guaranteed you didn't take a
pre-marriage course and the ones that are out there frankly
are not that good. So, the first step is to back up because
the answer to the question, is it better to be divorced and live in an unhappy
marriage? But quite frankly is no, the right answer is to make your marriage
happy and let me assure you, and I have quite a bit of experience in this.
A marriage that is well run according to how a marriage is literally set up.
I mean it's so elegant. Marriage is a setup for success for a
lot of happiness, beyond happiness. It brings a lot of peace when you know what
you're doing, it brings a lot of joy even you've heard the term "marital bliss" and
there's no reason even at this late stage why you can't achieve this goal of
marriage which is happiness. It's why you got married. So please, look at the
articles that I have, listen to more videos, get a sense of what I'm trying to
sell you. I'm trying to sell you an idea that is as reasonable as ice is cold
marriage is supposed to be happy. Try to understand. It's not a
criticism of you that you don't know how to be married, it's merely stating a
reality that I've discovered over the years. So, I've broken down marriage so
dramatically into all its parts. I show people how to put those parts together,
how to weave a marriage that is so satisfying that it's mind-boggling
and if you're in this situation now it's possible that you could get
everything you need just by reading one of my books, that's how most people
honestly go from where you are to the next step. Now, if it's gone way past
that we have courses one for men and one for women; it's true. No matter what
they're doing in PC circles, the reality is men and women are different so you
need a different course and that's for like real emergencies, chances are you
don't need that. But again, you could write in to our counselors and say,
"Here's what's happening, what do you think?" You could look at the articles
and find out. Bottom line, make your marriage happy. You can do this. I hope
that I've encouraged you to not go down that path of divorce; it never works out
for anybody. I mean there are a few times when a divorce is necessary but it's so
rare. I hope that you're encouraged to go further and if you are encouraged
that this is a helpful video, like it, share it with others. Share with your
spouse and if you have a comment, put it in the comment box. Let's interact and
blessings to you, blessings to your spouse, and blessings to your family.