So, here at "Late Night," every night I deliver a monologue
made up of jokes written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk
that, due to my being a straight white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them.
So we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, everybody, these are two of our writers.
That's Amber.
And that's Jenny.
-I'm Black.
-And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I am not.
So, here's how this work.
I will read the setups for these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch line.
So, here we go.
Kim Jong-Un has reportedly banned citizens in North Korea
from wearing leather jackets.
-Lesbians are calling it a human rights violation.
[ Laughter ]
-February is Black History Month.
-Offer not valid in Virginia.
[ Laughter and groaning ]
It's not.
-A theater in Portland recently hosted the opening
of the world's first lesbian opera.
-A lesbian opera is like a regular opera,
except it's not over till the cat lady sings.
[ Laughter and groaning ]
-It's a cat crowd. I should have told you guys.
Heavy cat crowd tonight. -Cat crowd!
-I came out here earlier... [ Laughing ]
...and I was like, "David Letterman is here,"
and they're like, "Oh, there gonna be cat stuff?!"
[ Laughter ]
A Miami museum has curated an exhibit
about African American jockeys called "Too Black, Too Fast."
-It's named after the reason cops give for pulling me over.
[ Audience groans ]
-Amber!
-Just kidding!
Cops don't give me a reason for pulling me over.
-Oh, okay. [ Laughter ]
According to new research,
female dolphins enjoy lesbian sex.
-While male dolphins enjoy asking them how it works.
[ Laughter ]
-Now -- Now, Jenny... -Mm-hmm?
-Is "how does sex work?" the question lesbians get most?
-No, the question we get most is, "Can you open this jar?"
-Mm.
Oh! That reminds me.
-Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-Ah, there you go. -Alright.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do you want a pickle?
-What do you think? -Oh, right.
[ Laughter ]
This is where...
-Take this home.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
-We have so much pickle on the desk.
-You got dressed up and you're going to stink like pickle
for frickin' David Letterman, you douche.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It's Jenny's fault for splashing the jar everywhere.
[ Laughter ]
Philadelphia has unveiled a new Harriet Tubman statue
that will only be on display temporarily.
-So catch her before she's gone,
said slave owners.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughing ] She's -- She's fine with that joke.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
An angry neighbor sent a lesbian couple in Massachusetts a letter
complaining about the couple's pride flag.
-And then the lesbians sent one back
complaining about the neighbor's poorly built deck.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, Jenny, are you handy?
-Yes, but never on the first date.
[ Audience cheering ]
-An all-Black group is planning to climb Mount Everest.
-Which is just a fancy way of saying
they're going to try to vote in Texas.
-Now, Amber, why don't more Black people climb mountains?
-We're just trying to let white people have something.
-Thank you. -You climb the mountains.
-The new reboot of "Sex and the City" features
several queer characters.
-Also featuring several queer characters --
your food co-op.
-Two Black queer women recently opened a new lesbian bar
in Chicago. -[Together] And we're --
-Jenny, this is a Black joke.
-Amber, this is a lesbian joke.
-Black joke!
-Lesbian joke! -Ohh!
Looks like it's time for a quick draw!
Two Black queer women recently opened
a new lesbian bar in Chicago.
-And you know they're serving Busch.
-"We're doing shots," said the police.
[ Laughter ]
Seth.
Seth, buddy, which one of those jokes did you like better?
-When asked to choose between a Black writer
and a lesbian writer, I choose not to.
-Oh, smart. -Mm.
Hey, Seth, why don't you tell a joke?
-Oh, no, guys, I couldn't. -Come on, just one.
-I don't feel like it will end well.
-Oh, come on. Do it!
-Okay, okay.
The Chicago Bulls recently celebrated Pride Night
with a halftime drag performance.
"Boo! Get back to the basketball!"
said lesbians.
-[ Gasps ]
How dare you?
-You told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself.
-Black women and lesbians are liars!
♪♪