[Intro]
When I left for college, everyone told me the same thing:
That the next four years of my life would be the best four years of my life. There would be parties,
tons of friends, and it'd be amazing.
Once I got to campus however, things seemed to go differently.
My dorm was actually a suite, shared with six other people, in a hallway with fifty.
This was a big change from having a bedroom to myself.
Between lectures, group projects, date nights, and even the dining commons,
my people quota was constantly filled. I was never, never alone.
Everything and everywhere was constant noise, and I didn't get any solitude.
I learned quickly that having time to myself was a privilege... i took for granted.
By day, my head was constantly filled with voices.
Judgments, opinions and comparisons, that would simply just amp up my anxiety.
With school clubs and making friends, and doing all the social activities i thought I had to do to fit in. I became tired.
My mental capacity for school was drained. I was able to pick up my grades near the end,
but only at the cost of increased anxiety, stress and fatigue.
I knew I was losing myself.
Being an ambivert meant I needed a balance of social time, and me-time.
So I took a calendar out and scheduled some me-time, to regain that balance.
Child Development researcher and author Kenneth H. Rubin acknowledges that solitude is an important tool to bring balance into one's life.
It needs to be in healthy doses however.
It works when one has a social group, and can regulate their own emotions.
With this, solitude can be a time to achieve creativity and peace.
So I set out to find a place where I could be alone.
Study spots, secret nooks and crannies.
While i did get comfortable doing things alone, i ended up just feeling alone in the crowd.
I needed true solitude. I needed to be completely alone. In person, and through my phone.
I needed to be alone.
According to psychologists and professor Peter S., having time alone
is valuable for those with anxiety, as it protects from over-stimulation. In this world of constant access to social Media,
we have shortcuts in communication. Because of these ready-made interactions online, we're losing our chance to be truly alone.
I finally put the phone away.
Free to think for myself, free from judgments and opinions which weren't mine. I was finally becoming grounded.
No more over-stimulation, and no more people who would make my anxiety worse, and trying to calm me down.
Constantly asking if my anxiety has stopped being a thing.
The constant pressure of being watched made my anxiety worse,
but telling them that would only make them more persistent, and trying to make me feel okay.
but when I was completely alone, there was no pressure.
I cried, panicked, screamed if I had to.
Didn't need other people's stories and opinions. In that moment, i could just be me.
Express the way I needed to.
By finding that could finally find peace of mind.