I'm going to talk about Jesus because it's his birthday.
I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but there are details
that have been left out of the Bible.
When I was growing up, I always thought Jesus must have loved
the story of his own birth.
Wouldn't he? To him, as a child, it would've been absolutely amazing.
He'd be like, "Tell me again, Mum. Tell me again."
And then his mum's like, "All right. OK.
"So, well, I was asleep, and then the angel came down,
"done me in the ear.
"And then I woke up, I turned to Joseph,
"I said, 'I'm having a baby. It's not yours.'
"He was all right about it.
"Then nine months later, we had to go Bethlehem,
"oh, and it was chock-a-block.
"There was nowhere to stay.
"We ended up living in this stable - only got two on TripAdvisor.
"Actually, it was very nice.
"The hay was clean, there was a little donkey,
"shepherds came with cute little lambkins
"and then these wise men turned up with very expensive presents.
"The end."
"Oh, tell me again, Mum. Tell me again."
So, the story of my birth? Slightly different.
My parents did meet in an unusual way.
My dad was in a pop band in the '70s
and my mum was a fan of that band.
So she went of all of his recordings
and concerts and she played a long game.
She waited until my dad wasn't in the band any more.
She was the only person still sleeping outside of his house.
My dad eventually felt sorry for her.
They had a one-night stand, got pregnant with me.
My mum told my dad she was having a baby.
He told her she had to get an abortion.
She said if he didn't marry her, she'd kill herself.
"Tell me again, Mum."