but I feel like I belong in LA,
because I'm a very spiritual person.
Because I come from money.
(audience laughs)
So, I can afford to be delusional.
No, I don't have it anymore, I don't
I made a lot of mistakes to get into comedy.
Truly, I did.
Growing up, my grandfather was Secretary of State
under George Bush Senior.
Yeah, so (audience laughs)
I could've been in the Illuminati, and
instead I became a jester for Bachelorette parties.
I fucked up.
I really did.
I'm a liberal, just so you guys feel safe,
I am, but like I feel like a hypocrite
with that background, being a liberal, you know?
Because my sisters will be online, and they're like
"If you don't vote, you're being complicit."
And I'm like "Yeah, that's true, but
Saudi Oil money put us through college.
Like bitch you are complicit."
My sister goes on Instagram,
she's like, "Obama's my dad."
I'm like "Our family ruined the Middle East."
It's true.
But I do, I just feel like the more political you get,
the more extreme you get in your politics,
the more hypocritical you become now.
Like look at David Duke.
I'm just saying, he's the most extreme example,
but he's the Grand Wizard of the KKK.
I just feel like for somebody who hates homosexuals,
Grand Wizard is like the gayest job title
I've ever heard.
He's on TV like "I don't like homosexuals."
It's like, well, you're wearing a cape, Liberace.
You want the gays to go away,
you're not gonna do it in a costume.
(audience laughs)
It's not gonna work.
I'm just glad we're having these conversations,
in this country, you know?
And they're not easy conversations to have,
like I was talking to my friend,
she's Puerto Rican, she was like,
"Rosie, white women have got to stop wearing
hoop earrings.
You guys are appropriating Latin culture."
And I was like, "all right, cool, I get it,
you know, like your people came up with this shit.
But if you want me to get my own identity,
my people came up with appropriation." (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I'm like "technically, I'm very in touch
with my background."
It's like I will see your hoop earrings,
and I will take them.
It's what we do.
It's just hard to tell a white person
to get their own identity,
it's like telling a homeless person to get a job,
it's like where?
Should I just look at this trail of shit
I've left behind me, see if I can
make some connections back there?
I am really glad, though, like I'm glad we're
still talking about gender equality, you know?
Because I know that women aren't equal to men yet,
because they still give us rape whistles.
As if to be like "Let the games begin!"
(audience laughs)
Seems like a weird weapon.
I mean if you see somebody drowning
and you throw that person a whistle
you want that person to die.
That is clearly something that a dude came up with.
Because the whole reason rape whistles were invented
is because yelling rape wasn't working.
So some guy was like
"I don't know, trick people into thinking
there's a football game going on.
Stop bumming us out."
Which is ironic, because
the last people you want showing up to help
at a rape is a team full of college athletes.
(audience laughs)
I'm just saying, you're getting attacked
in a parking lot, you don't wanna hear "hike hike"
You're like "Shit this just got worse!"
Anyway, you guys, well here's
my real point is just like
the only thing more demeaning than getting raped
is getting raped while you're blowing a whistle.
(audience laughs)
Now I'm just the world's saddest tea kettle.