Hello!
Seiiti Arata.
No one likes losing.
When we say that it is taking part that counts, deep down we are looking for a way to relieve
the disappointment and frustration of defeat.
Everyone deals with failure in their own way.
And the problem is when the fear of failing becomes pathological, too big, to the point
where it interferes with your life and prevents you from taking action.
If you do not tolerate the risk of losing, you might become paralysed and never even
try.
And when you do not even try, your defeat is guaranteed.
This would be equivalent to giving you the answer to “how to lose every time”.
But today’s topic is the opposite, discovering the answer to “how to win every time”.
And that answer lies not in your results, but in your commitment, because the only thing
that does not depend on anyone is you winning because you acted according to your values.
Notice that the way you deal with defeat is a mental process, inside your head.
And it is also inside your head that we will find a simple and functional solution for
you to be able to win every time.
The challenge you are facing does not matter.
Imagine how much better your life will be when you are certain that you will win every
time.
All you need is a change of focus.
To win every time, your focus needs to be on the assessment of the quality and quantity
of commitment that you dedicated.
You need to be coherent and act according to your personal values.
This will allow you to win every time.
Personal development and good planning alone are not enough to win every time.
There will always be factors that you cannot control.
Personal development is fundamental to maximise your chances of success.
You need a good plan.
You need to acquire all the necessary skills to optimise your performance.
You need to build up experience.
This is the only way you will manage to get it right.
What is getting it right?
It is doing the right thing, following your personal values because that is the only thing
that does not depend on anyone.
Getting it right is doing it properly, with high performance from your side, using the
abilities you have acquired and perfected over time.
But remember this important detail: personal development is about developing and becoming
a better version of yourself.
This is different from believing that the desired final result is guaranteed.
Developing in order to do the best you can is one thing.
The final result you will achieve is completely different.
The reason we make this distinction is that the final result achieved also depends on
factors that are totally out of your control.
I will give a practical example for you to understand better.
Imagine Bob, who is in love with Sharon, who works in the same office as him.
Bob wants to get to know Sharon better, but he is afraid of being rejected.
Bob knows that he is not a good communicator and he also knows that he is not particularly
attractive.
Therefore, Bob starts to prepare himself.
He starts to dress better, goes on a diet and starts exercising to get in good shape,
learns to communicate better, becomes friendly and kind, develops a more interesting life…
he becomes the best possible version of himself and eventually, he asks Sharon to go out with
him.
Bob can try his best: be in the best shape, wear the best clothes and get the best haircut,
speak in the best way, choose the right words, suggest the right date, the right time…
he can do everything in the best way possible… but none of this can guarantee that Sharon
will be interested in him.
Do you see the limitations in planning and personal development?
You can do everything right, but it does not guarantee anything.
Be very careful when you listen to motivational speakers that say you can do absolutely anything,
because that is not true.
Even if you know someone who always gets absolutely everything they want, there is no guarantee
that this person will always achieve the results they desire.
The people you look at today who are happy because multiple things turned out well might
be surprised when one day, some things go wrong.
It happens to everyone, sooner or later.
Therefore, it is not a good idea to base happiness on the final result and believing that success
is only the final result.
To win every time, instead of measuring your victory by the result, measure the victory
by the dedication, the action of doing what had to be done, respecting your values.
The story of Bob and Sharon was just an example to make everything easy to understand.
Let’s repeat it: For whatever life goal, there will ALWAYS be elements that are out
of your control.
Accidents happen.
The other people involved also have opinions and desires.
Victory never depends on one unique action.
You need to pay attention to every step of the process.
In order to obtain the best result possible in your personal goals, in addition to practicing
skills, giving your best in the activity you are carrying out, you need much more.
You might also need to be kind, communicate well, be present, know how to listen, adapt
solutions to different situations, use proven systems...
Imagine a salesperson, for example, whose personal values are excellence, not being
afraid of challenges, and always searching for improvement.
The final skill they need to practice is selling.
But sales techniques are not enough to make a good salesperson.
They need to practice other skills to convince someone to buy whatever they are selling.
And no matter how much they train, this salesperson needs to be aware that there are many factors
out of their control.
There are external forces and the opinions and emotions of other people.
They might be an excellent employee, who knows the product very well, is persuasive and a
good communicator… but if the customer is having a bad day or just got fired, they simply
will not buy the product.
A sale is not always possible, no matter how good the salesperson is.
Therefore, even when you focus on the process goals and try your best, you still need to
have the humility to recognise that there is always a possibility that it might not
work out.
Does this mean defeat?
No.
At the end of the day, you did your best and acted according to your personal values.
If this is the case, even though you did not reach the final objective, you won.
The opposite is also true.
If you do the wrong thing in certain situations, if you go against your own principles, if
you do things badly… and by chance you end up achieving a positive final result, this
cannot be considered a true victory.
It was pure luck, by chance, not properly deserved.
Therefore, it is wrong to only look at the final result.
Just think of someone who wins games by cheating, or someone who sacrifices their health and
family to win money, or someone who gets rich because they won the lottery.
In all these cases, the result came about by chance or disregard for one's own personal
values.
So the person has no real merit from these results to say "I won".
The only way to win every time is to do the right thing in the best way possible.
It is a mistake to evaluate whether you won or lost by only looking at the final result.
As there are random factors that depend on luck or other people, only looking at the
final result is not a solid indicator for self-assessment.
For self-assessment, you need a moment of solitude, introspection, reflection.
Did you do the right thing?
Did you act coherently according to your personal values?
Did you do what you thought should be done?
And regarding your performance?
Did you do it randomly, carelessly, absentmindedly, with bad intention, with your attention split
between different things?
Or did you give your best, with full commitment?
Let’s go back to the story of Bob and Sharon.
Bob got over his shyness, improved his communication skills, became someone much more attractive,
communicative and interesting.
THIS IS WINNING.
Winning is doing the right thing, in the best way possible, even if the desired result is
not achieved because of external factors.
This is what gives you peace of mind so that in a few years you have not built up a lot
of regret.
Winning is living life with a clear conscience and serenity, knowing that you are doing the
right thing, in the right way.
If you act this way, you win every time, no matter the final results that depend on factors
out of your control.
At the end of the day the most important thing is how you evaluate yourself when you look
in the mirror.
And for this you need self-knowledge, to identify your values and know what really matters.
In the Planning Your Life course we work together on this self-knowledge, and this makes a huge
difference in the quality of your life plan and therefore in the choices you make every
day.
So before starting any process, you need to know what you value most in life.
Health?
Family?
Money?
Comfort?
Risk?
What do you really enjoy?
Knowing your personal values and having a list of them by order of importance according
to your life context is probably the most important planning exercise you can do.
When you have this clear list of values, it is much easier to trace your process goals
and establish the victories.
Whenever you act according to your personal values, you win.
Regardless of the results or anything else that is out of your control.
At the same time, whenever you do not act according to your personal values, because
you are feeling lazy, angry, greedy or any other negative emotion, you lose.
And you cannot blame anyone else for your defeat.
To live in peace, I know that I can choose to behave in line with my values.
I can always be proud of doing what I know is right, according to my personal values,
regardless of the results.
Let's go back to the example of the salesman, just to be clear.
If he did his best and did not get the sale, he still won.
However, if he did not even try the sale because he was afraid of the customer or afraid of
failure, he was being lazy or he was afraid of what others would think, he did not act
according to his own personal values... then he lost.
And he lost to himself.
That is why we are often our worst enemy.
We put ourselves as a barrier between who we are and who we want to be.
This usually happens due to a lack of clarity about what we really value.
We say that we want one thing, but we actually value something else.
And this leads to an internal conflict which makes us feel defeated.
Now you know how to change this.
First, be clear about what you really value.
Then, establish process goals that focus only on what you can control.
And then, whenever you act to implement that process respecting your personal values, you
have won.
This is the secret to winning every time.
Remember, this is different from pretending that we do not want the result.
Of course we would prefer to achieve the final result, but we understand that there is a
limit to the factors under our control.
And therefore, our focus is on the success of acting with integrity, respecting the process.
In other words: when you have process goals, your victory only depends on things that you
control.
And then you can set conditions to win every time.
Basing your victories on factors that are out of your control is a great recipe for
always feeling defeated.
Instead, focus only on what you can control and measure your victories only by whether
you are acting according to your personal values.
Remember: the only thing that does not depend on anyone is you winning by acting according
to your values.
This technique only works if you are very clear about what you really value at the present
moment of your life.
That is why the life plan we teach in the Planning Your Life course always starts with
what you value most in life.
Check the link to watch a special lesson from the Planning Your Life course about personal
values https://arata.se/planningyourlife ​​