-We are coming to you live every night this week.
A very special thank you
to everyone in the audience for being here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Usually when you're out in new York city past midnight
on a Monday, you've made some pretty bad decisions.
But you guys are here on a good night.
Gwen Stefani is here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I love Gwen Stefani!
Not only is she a music icon,
she's the only reason I know how to spell the word "bananas."
Well, today was the first day of fall.
Did you know that? Yep.
This morning, I put on
my favorite flannel shirt and scarf,
made some hot chocolate,
stepped outside, and realized it was 90 degrees.
Saw it was 90 degrees in New York today.
It was so hot, Trump asked the president of Ukraine
for some inside dirt on the sun.
[ Laughter ]
You guys hear about this?
There's a giant new scandal involving the President.
Trump asked officials in Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden's family.
Yeah, Trump asked Ukraine for election help,
or, as he put it, "I was just trying to make Putin jealous."
Apparently, Trump asked the president of Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden's son.
Right now Eric and Don Jr. are thinking,
Damn. He even pays more attention to Biden's kids."
"Papa?"
[ Laughter ] -"Papa!"
-Today reporters asked Trump if he did anything wrong.
He was like, "Yeah, I probably should have asked
for dirt on Elizabeth Warren."
[ Laughter ]
Trump's call with Ukraine could really --
Take your time. -Yeah.
-Take your time. That's right.
We're in this together. We're in this together.
[ Laughs ]
Trump's call with Ukraine
could really put his presidency in danger.
Today Nancy Pelosi said another 500 or 600 major violations,
and we might think about impeachment.
Actually, Nancy Pelosi told the White House to hand over
the secret whistleblower complaint by Thursday
or face the consequences.
In response, Trump signed an order that eliminates Thursday.
"It now goes Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Nancy.
There is no Thursday."
The whole thing is pretty shocking.
We spent years talking about Russia.
It might be Ukraine that takes down Trump.
Who saw that coming?
That's like looking both ways before you cross the street
then getting hit by a drone, you know?
Now Trump's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, has been
all over TV defending him, which brings us to another
installment of "Rudy Giuliani isn't helping."
♪♪
-Did you ask the Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden?
-No, actually I did --
-So you did ask Ukraine to look into Joe Biden?
-Of course I did! -You just said you didn't!
♪♪
-Not helping. Not helping. -Wow.
-But Trump is in New York City
to give a speech tomorrow at the U.N. General Assembly.
He's speaking to a roomful of leaders
with different cultural backgrounds and ethnicities.
It's basically Trump's version of walking into a haunted house.
He's like, "Aah!" [ Grunting ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Grunting ]
But Trump's speech will be a little different.
First, he'll make some opening remarks.
Then he'll go around one by one
asking world leaders for dirt on Joe Biden.
Just like that.
Over the weekend, several 2020 candidates were in Iowa,
and Joe Biden set up a tent with a bouncy castle,
a fire truck, and an ice-cream truck.
It's all part of his plan
to win that coveted 3-to-8-year-old demographic.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth Warren has been surging in the polls,
and she now leads Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders in Iowa.
She's pretty confident.
I mean, here's Warren arriving in Iowa over the weekend.
-[ Crowd chanting ] Warren! Warren!
-Yeah. But here's how she felt.
-[ Crowd chanting ] Warren! Warren!
-Oh, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
But it's not all good news for the candidates.
New York City mayor Bill de Blasio
announced that he is dropping out of the race
and he'll eventually support another Democrat.
When they heard that, all the other Democrats were like,
"Please not me. Please not me. Don't look at me."
Oh, and this is very Interesting.
I heard Nestlé is gonna start selling luxury handmade Kit Kats
for $17.
They came up with the idea after asking,
"What does nobody on Earth want or need?"
And, finally, over the weekend, an American Airlines flight
had to make an unscheduled landing
after a passenger started smoking a joint.
At first, all the other passengers were furious,
and then not so much.