(Sigh)
Something wrong?
It's not working out.
OK he is not that bad.
He has to go.
He pays cash, he literally never complains
What's your problem with him?
You want to know what my problem with him is?
Yeah
OK
He's lazy.
Lazy? He cleans all the time.
He's cleaning right now.
Sorry about the noise guys.
He's rude
How is he rude?
He's always asking if he can help.
What?
It's the assumption that I need his help
That's the rude part.
He's antagonistic.
What no he's not.
He was banging on my door in the middle of the night.
I was fearing for my life.
That was me. I was banging on your door.
Because it was 5am and you
were playing Bob Dylan's Tambourine Man
on repeat at full volume.
It helps me sleep.
OK conversation is over.
I've got 7 more fingers to go here.
Just give him a chance.
You said it was a 2 week probationary thing
And then The Supreme Council
would review his position.
No you said all those things.
And stop calling us that.
Sorry just lift your feet there lads I will get under you.
Nice one.
Since when do we own a hoover?
He bought it.
There's another thing
All purchases for the household should be
first run by The Supreme Council.
He paid with his own money.
And stop calling us that.
He can't pronounce your name.
OK well if you have a better idea how to make
438 quid a month I would love to hear it?
OK well then he stays.
Fine.
Sorry were you talking to me?
No.
Why would we be talking to you?
We were talking about you.
Very different.
Oh
Sorry
Great, lost count. Thanks.
That you Chris?
Hey Aogin
It's Aodghán
Ao... a...
Aodghán
Ag...
Aodghán, Aodghán, Aodghán
It had been three weeks.
Yeah... Sorry
What you doing?
Ah I'm designing a shirt.
Cool
It's so great to have a hobby isn't it?
Oh it's not a hobby I'm
subverting capitalism by using
the hyper capitalist fashion industry
to undermine it's own capitalist values.
I'm learning the trumpet.
Anyway I was going to cook some dinner you want in?
No thanks.
Are you sure? It's waffles with croquettes and mash.
You are having three types of potatoes?
Well I guess I am.
I never thought about it.
They're all so delicious but in different ways
I'll give it a miss.
OK
Oh hey if you are cooking you are going to need
the swimming hat.
What?
The swimming hat.
Suits?
What?
I told you not to disturb me when I'm in the middle of work.
You are playing computer games.
Which is work.
You don't get paid.
So?
At least I have a job even if it's unpaid.
Which means it's not a job.
If you guys have no jobs then how do you pay rent?
We don't.
You don't?
We don't have any trouble
Paying rent.
Oh.
What are you even doing here Chris?
I live here?
For now.
Chris needs the swimming hat.
Oh what are you cooking?
Three different types of potatoes.
I can put you in the pot if you like?
Oh because I can't cook for myself is that it?
No I just...
We're going to have our food delivered if that's OK Chris?
Yeah that's fine I'm sure it will be lovely.
Yes it will be lovely.
It should be here by now it's disgraceful
Here.
Oh thanks.
So uh... you want me to put this on?
Haha no.
No no you put it over the smoke alarm.
The oven is quite smokey
There is a little hole in the door.
And the extractor fan doesn't work.
Yeah the window doesn't open.
Gives everything a great smokey flavour though.
This is going to be tricky see
I usually use a smoke alarm to
let me know when my food is done.
Well be careful because I need that back by Sunday.
I'm doing a marathon.
Wow a marathon?
Uh huh.
I've always wanted to run a marathon.
Really?
It's not an actual marathon
It's computer games.
It's a marathon session.
It's a test of a gamer's skill
endurance
and bladder control.
Ah
And why do you need the swimming hat?
When his hair gets sweaty it falls down into his eyes.
The slightest distraction can be fatal.
That sounds intense.
It is.
73 hours is my record.
Which I think is quite an athletic achievement
Probably more so than running an actual marathon.
Which you could probably do in three hours.
What are you talking about athletic achievement?
There is nothing athletic about it.
Uh, if it is not athletic then why is it a sport?
Uh, because it is not a sport.
Uh, E-sports, electronic sports.
Uh, I don't know can you name me one other sport
that you can do sitting on your arse all day
not moving wearing a suit?
Uh...
Chess?
Check and mate.
It's not a sport.
Well I think it sounds pretty cool.
No it doesn't.
Thank you Chris.
(Doorbell)
I'll get it.
No no that's OK that's our food.
No I don't mind.
No it's OK just get down behind the couch.
OK quick alright get down.
Get behind the couch, don't make any sound.
What is going on?
Shhhh...
Hey how are you?
Not great she had a bit of a fall.
The left hip again.
What is going on?
What are you talking about?
Well his arthritis has flared up again.
Why are we whispering?
Who's at the door?
I don't think you are going to be able to come in today.
Why is he wearing medical scrubs?
Why do you ask so many questions?
You know what they say the more medication
the better.
Where did you order take away from?
Meals on wheels.
What?
Oh smells delicious.
He's going to love it.
OK so today we have bolognese with garlic bread.
Yes!
Meals on Wheels?
Uh huh.
You are getting food delivered from Meals on Wheels?
Yeah
They deliver food to the elderly.
Yeah the elderly, the infirm, the housebound
It's a great service really.
But you are not any of those things.
No Alfred and Olwyn are.
Who?
Alfred and Olwyn
The previous tenants.
When we moved in the food just kept on coming.
So you are stealling elderly people's food?
Well they are not going to need it.
And why not?
Well they are...
You know they are...
They are dead?
Please we are trying to eat Chris.
You are eating dead peoples food?
Oh come on it's two meals a week.
Twice a week.
How long has this been going on?
Well not long.
Five years.
Five years?
Do you remember when Olwyn turned 100?
They brought her a birthday cake.
And we got a 100 quid cheque from the president.
Nice bloke.
Lovely guy.
Don't they have to physically see Alfred and Olwyn?
Sadly Alfred and Olwyn had a downturn in health
It would be far too much effort for them to come to the door
So they look to their full time care assistant Johnathon
And when I'm not around Suits is their grandson
Dr. Corcoran
Doctor?
Hello I'm Doctor Cocoran
Consultant brain surgeon at Matter Hospital Dublin
I told him to keep it simple but he loves the character
And Doctors get lots of respect.
Oh
I had Alfred last week.
Ah no.
Uh huh.
Argh
Aren't they the same?
No Alfred's is pureéd.
Yeah he only has one tooth.
Had one tooth?
It gets tricky with the tenses.
Sorry I should have offered you some.
No thanks.
Oh no honestly it's fine.
The nutritional shake is so filling
it's like impossible to finish the meal.
Yeah I've paid for my own dinner.
Thank you very much.
Sorry I forgot, Starchfest.
Sorry I didn't get my tickets.
Haha Starchfest
Yeah
Don't forget the swimming hat if you are cooking.
Yes.
Thank you.
I want that back.
OK.
That guy has a serious attitude problem.
Uh huh yeah.
This isn't up to it's usual standard.
I think I'm going to have to complain.
What the hell?
Sorry Eegon.
It's Aodghán.
Sorry.
Why is the Kitchen door open?
I had to open it I couldn't see with all the smoke.
That's why you use the goggles.
What goggles?
Hanging up by the fridge.
Where do I put them?
Over your eyes
Obviously.
Ahh
Just turn off the oven.
I did I just can't get the tray out
there is no oven gloves.
That's why you use the flip flops.
Flip flops?
Yes in the top drawer.
Where do I put the flip...
On your hands idiot.
What's going on?
Chris left the kitchen door open.
Urgh
Hot potatoes, hot potatoes.
Where are the wafters?
Over there.
This better not happen on Saturday during the marathon.
No it definitely won't.
And by the way I'm really looking forward to that.
You are going to watch?
Yeah unless it would be putting you off?
No no that's great.
You don't have to do this just to be nice.
No I think it's going to be fun.
He thinks it will be fun.
It's going to be great.
Yeah I'll let you know times and stuff.
Great
Ah great I smell like waffles.
I can wash it for you if you like?
No you have done enough.
I'm just surprised it hasn't been starched.
Meant to ask you where do you get your shirts from?
The wardrobe
The wardrobe?
He's wearing a dead guy's shirt.
♪ Hey Mr Tambourine man... ♪
Whoa what's going on in here?
I'm setting up for the marathon.
No no no you can't take over the living room
for the entire day
We agreed you do computer games
In your own room.
That was before I had a majority.
What?
Me and Chris want to play in here
That's 2 Supreme Council votes to one.
Since when is Chris on the Supreme Council?
There's no Supreme Council
You can't do this in here.
Well then you'll want to raise a point of order
which could take weeks to be honest.
I've got snacks.
Wedges, French fries and crisps.
More potatoes.
Huh?
I've saved you a seat in the fan zone Chris.
Oh amazing.
Oh
I mean I get why you are wearing the swimming hat
but why the nose plugs?
Smell is an unnecessary sense
Which may lead to distraction while gaming
and science has proven
that removing one of the senses
you heighten the others.
Right I'm getting lunch
Who's paying for it today?
Trocaire?
St. Vincent De Paul
Greenpeace?
Haha Greenpeace.
Quinn's supermarket.
Oh so you've decided to actually pay for your own food?
What? No.
I just hope they haven't changed their uniform.
So you are stealing again?
It's not stealing, it's a staff discount.
But you are not staff.
Alright see you later losers.
Suits
How do you say his name?
I think...
it's Aragorn.
That's it.
Now the marathon starts in 7 minutes
OK
I'm counting on your support Chris.
You have it.
I need to know that I can trust you.
We're a team we are in this together.
Oh will I be playing?
God no.
You'll be doing something much more important.
OK
Mist
Talc
Come on Chris you've got to be faster.
Sorry yeah.
What is with you?
I didn't think I would be this involved.
You know it's been 5 hours and I haven't had a break.
Marathons aren't meant to be easy Chris
if they were I wouldn't be wearing Vaseline on my nipples
Yeah
(Doorbell)
I'll get it.
Yeah that should be the food.
What?
Dinner
Meals on Wheels?
Yeah
No
No no no no
You have to answer Chris
if you don't they send someone to check on Alfred and Olwyn.
I can't.
OK it's morally wrong.
Chris I can't answer the door I'm down to the last 6 here.
It's dishonest.
What about Dr. Corcoran?
He's busy.
Big operation.
Well I wouldn't even know what to say OK?
I just got hit Chris
There is a sniper on me here.
Oh God.
Don't you like helping all the time?
Isn't that like your thing?
OK I'll do it.
Fine.
Put on the scrubs.
What? Seriously?
Put the scrubs on.
And be polite.
Hello
Hi
I'm new, the other guy is
not me and...
Dr. Corcoran is in
Hospital with other
Doctors.
Right so just the two dinners?
Yeah yeah
Yeah Olwyn and uh...
Alfred?
Yeah.
Alfred
Right how is Fred?
Who?
Alfred?
Oh I call him Al sometimes
Oh yeah he's fine up and about never better
What? He's walking again?
No, metaphorically I mean.
No otherwise poor.
Right and what about Olwyn?
She's...
good.
Right what about the hip?
That's not good.
What it's got worse?
Yeah
Got infected.
Yeah pretty nasty.
That's terrible.
Yeah and it's spread
the infection has spread
Dear God
Yeah no it's not looking good.
Really?
The doctors they are not hopeful.
They shut off the machine.
Yeah that's that then isn't it?
Right well...
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Yeah we all are very shocked
Yeah it was expected
OK
So just the one today then.
Huh?
Just the one meal?
Oh
Yeah it would be wouldn't it.
Because the other person is obviously
Dead.
So yeah thank you.
Right sorry about that again
No you are grand.
Hey
Hi
Oh are you finished already?
Yeah
Oh what happened to 73 hours of non stop athletic endurance?
There were some unforeseen complications.
Well don't worry about it in computer games the winners
are really losers.
How did you get on in Quinns?
I don't want to talk about it.
I ended up stacking shelves for 3 hours
only managed to escape when some
old lady needed help with her shopping to the car
Anyway where is the dinner I'm starving?
We need to call an emergency meeting of the Supreme Council
No I'm hungry.
Aragorn
Aodghán.
As president of the Supreme Council
Since when are you president?
Look we need to tell you something and it's serious.
What's going on?
It's about Olwyn
Yeah what about her?
She's dead.
Yeah Olwyn has been dead for a long time Chris
it's time to get that into your head.
No you don't understand
there was an accident.
An accident?
Let's just say
there's not going to be any dinner for Olwyn tonight
Oh they run out again?
They should be more careful a lot of people depend on those meals.
No there's not going to be any more dinners for Olwyn
ever.
What is going on?
I killed her.
You killed Olwyn?
I'm so sorry the delivery...
I panicked.
She's dead?
It was an accident.
How was it an accident?
She's imaginary
She didn't slip coming out of the shower
She didn't fall going down the stairs.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
You had it in for her from the beginning.
No no!
Where's Alfred?
Alfred is OK he survived.
It was the man
he was asking too many questions.
Who was asking questions?
Oh I'm not good under pressure.
None of this is going to bring her back
I think we should all move on.
Who was asking questions?
The delivery guy.
Why were you answering the door.
Dr. Corcoran was called away on urgent medical duty.
You were playing computer games.
I was working.
I left you in charge.
I did my best.
I trusted you with her life.
I feel terrible is that what you want to hear?
Well you can't feel that bad
you ate Alfred's dinner.
I was competing in a marathon I was starving.
You killed her.
Aodghán please.
You both killed her.
Agwon we didn't mean to.
Right that's it get out.
No no please.
You are not living here any more the trial period is over.
It hasn't worked out.
You can't it was an accident.
I don't care.
What about the cash?
No he's gone.
I know you are upset but
You can't kick me out.
Yes I can.
No no you can't.
I'll go to Meals on Wheels.
What?
I'll go to Meals on Wheels.
You mean?
Yes.
I'll kill Alfred.
You wouldn't dare?
Wouldn't I?
I've killed before I'll do it again.
I think he has it in him.
You are a monster.
So can I stay?
We are gathered here today to commemorate the life of Olwyn
She was a good woman.
A kind and generous woman.
Who lived to the impressive age of 103
I can't believe she's gone.
I know.
She was the only solid meal we had.
She is survived
By her loving husband Alfred
And her grandson
Dr. Corcoran
Dr. Corcoran who deeply regrets not being there at her passing
For if he had surely she would still be with us today
Thank you Olwyn
You enriched our lives emotionally
and nutritionally.
Here here.
You will never be forgotten.
Now if you would like to make your way into the kitchen
Christopher has provided a selection of
potatoe based foods.
Sorry I'm only learning
It's the longest thing we've ever made.
Yeah by far
Let us know what ya think in the comments and what not
If you know anyone who works for
An online streaming service
That rhymes with Debtflix
Debtflix?
They've no money
Not those guys.
Betflix
Not Betflix either
No
But yeah Bamazon Brime and Bulu.
Yeah just slide it across their desk
Yeah give them a nudge
More than that.
Be heavy handed with it.
Subtly is not required here.
Take their family hostage.
Do whatever you have to do.
Anyway thanks so much for watching guys
Hopefully we will make another one at some point
But I think we are back to sketches next week.
Back to sketches.
The warm blanket of the 2 minute script.
DOOMDAH