WELCOME, DOWN HERE, UP THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THINGS ARE LOOKIN' A LITTLE ROUGH RIGHT NOW, THE CLIMATE IS
ON FIRE, DEMOCRACY IS HANGING ON BY A PUBE, AND JUST WHEN WE
THOUGHT WE COULDN'T TAKE ANOTHER PUNCH TO THE NATIONAL GUT, WE'VE
LEARNED THAT KLONDIKE'S CHOCO TACO HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED AFTER
ALMOST 40 YEARS.
OH, NO!
NOT THE CHOCO TACO!
IT WAS THE ONLY DESSERT WITH AS MUCH REAL BEEF AS TACO BELL!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND MAY I POINT OUT--
YEAH.
AND MAY I POINT OUT, WE LEARNED THIS SHOCKING NEWS ON A TACO
TUESDAY.
( LAUGHTER )
THE WOUND.
ACCORDING TO "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE-- THE MAGAZINE WRITTEN
SPECIFICALLY FOR PEOPLE-- THE CHOCO TACO WAS DISCONTINUED
DUE TO AN UNPRECEDENTED SPIKE IN DEMAND FOR DIFFERENT KLONDIKE
PRODUCTS OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
OTHER KLONDIKE PRODUCTS?
WELL, I GUESS THE ANSWER TO "WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A
KLONDIKE BAR?" IS "RUIN CHILDHOOD."
AND, OKAY, IN 2022, I GUESS WE SHOULDN'T BE APPROPRIATING OTHER
CULTURES' DESSERT WRAPS.
BUT AT LEAST REPLACE IT WITH AN AMERICAN FORM OF ICE CREAM.
MIGHT I RECOMMEND STEPHEN COLBERT'S AMERICONE DREAM:
RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
MMM!
VANILLA ICE CREAM, FUDGE-COVERED WAFFLE BITS, AND A CARAMEL
SWIRL.
IT'S BASICALLY LIKE IF A CHOCO TACO GOT IN A TERRIBLE CAR
ACCIDENT.
BUT OSING THE CHOCO TACO IS STILL SHOCK-O, AND MY COLLEAGUES
AT CABLE NEWS ARE ALL OVER IT.
MSNBC'S ALEX WAGNER, HOW DOES THE END OF THE CHOCO TACO MAKE
YOU FEEL?
>> THERE IS HUNGER.
>> Stephen: THERE SURE IS.
( LAUGHTER )
DISCONTINUATION OF THE CHOCO TACO A DERELICTION OF LOYALTY?
A DERELICTION OF PATRIOTISM?
IS IT BREAKING THE LAW?
>> IT WAS A DERELICTION OF LOYALTY, WAS A DERELICTION
OF PATRIOTISM.
IS IT BREAKING THE LAW?
I'LL LEAVE THAT TO THE LAWYERS.
>> Stephen: ADMIRABLE CAUTION, JOHN.
AND, FINALLY, ARI MELBER, PUT THE LOSS OF THIS FOLDED FROZEN
CONFECTION INTO HISTORICAL CONTEXT FOR US.
>> WORSE THAN WATERGATE?
EASY CALL.
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU, ARI.
UNLIKE THE CHOCO TACO, SOME THINGS JUST WON'T GO AWAY, LIKE
FORMER PRESIDENT DINGUS EX MACHINA.
THIS AFTERNOON, THE OLD GRAY LADY DROPPED A BOMBSHELL ABOUT
THE OLD ORANGE PRESIDENT AND HIS PLAN TO STEAL THE 2020 ELECTION
BY APPOINTING SLATES OF FAKE ELECTORS THAT MIKE PENCE WOULD
THEN COUNT AND TAKE THE ELECTION AWAY FROM JOE BIDEN.
NOW, EVERYBODY'S BEEN CALLING THEM "FAKE ELECTORS," BECAUSE
THEY WERE FAKE, AND THAT'S A CRIME TO HAVE FAKE ELECTORS.
BUT SURELY THE PEOPLE WHO CRIMED THE CRIME WOULDN'T CALL THEM
THAT, RIGHT?
BECAUSE THAT'S PROOF THAT THEY KNEW THEIR CRIME WAS A CRIME
WHILE THEY CRIMED IT.
WELL, THE "TIMES" GOT THEIR HANDS ON ACTUAL EMAILS FROM
THESE PLOTTERS, WHILE THEY WERE PLOTTING, AND THEY REPEATEDLY
USED THE WORD "FAKE" TO REFER TO THE SO-CALLED ELECTORS.
WELL, THEY JUST STRAIGHT-UP SAID IT!
YOU'RE PLOTTING THE BIGGEST CRIME IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE SOME CODE WORDS!
( AS MOBSTER )
CHOPPED UP IN TINY PIECES AT THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE 'CUZ I DUMPED
HIS BODY OUT OF A BOAT.
AND HE'S NOT SLEEPING.
HE'S DEAD.
AND I FREAKIN' KILLED HIM."
( LAUGHTER )
ARIZONA LAWYER AND MAN WHO HASN'T SEEN HIS NEW HAIRCUT, YET
JACK WILENCHIK.
WILENCHIK HELPED ORGANIZE THE ELECTION SCAM IN ARIZONA AND
DESCRIBED THE PLAN THIS WAY: "WE WOULD JUST BE SENDING
'FAKE' ELECTORAL VOTES TO PENCE SO THAT SOMEONE IN CONGRESS CAN
MAKE AN OBJECTION WHEN THEY START COUNTING VOTES AND START
ARGUING THAT THE 'FAKE' VOTES SHOULD BE COUNTED."
DOES HE KNOW THAT ADDING QUOTES DOESN'T MAKE A CRIME NOT
ILLEGAL?
YOU CAN'T JUST TELL A COP:
"OFFICER, I'M INNOCENT.
I WAS "DOING DONUTS" IN A "HOSPITAL LOBBY" WHILE
"CHUGGING A 40 OF FIREBALL."
I'LL, GOING NOW.
AFTER REPEATEDLY CALLING THEM FAKE, IN A FOLLOW-UP EMAIL,
WILENCHIK WROTE THAT "'ALTERNATIVE' VOTES IS PROBABLY
A BETTER TERM THAN 'FAKE' VOTES," ADDING A SMILEY FACE
EMOJI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE REALIZED HE INCRIMINATED HIMSELF IN EMAIL, THEN HE
ADMITTED IT IN THE NEXT EMAIL?
SHRUG EMOJI, POOP EMOJI, FOR BRAIN EMOJI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WORDS.
NOW, ANOTHER OF THE PLOTTERS REPEATEDLY REFERRED TO CLETA
MITCHELL, A LAWYER HELPING THE FORMER PRESIDENT, AS
"CLITA" AND "CLAVITA."
THAT'S A SURPRISE.
MOST REPUBLICAN MEN CAN'T FIND THE CLAVITA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING )
TIME SINCE HE LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE IN DISGRACE, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT RETURNED TO WASHINGTON TO DELIVER A SPEECH ON CRIME.
WOW!
THAT TAKES A BIG SWINGING PAIR TO RETURN TO THE SCENE OF YOUR
ATTEMPT TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT AND THEN GIVE A
SPEECH ABOUT CRIME PREVENTION.
IT'S LIKE BUFFALO BILL COMING BACK TO ANNOUNCE AN ENDORSEMENT
DEAL WITH AVEENO.
( AS BUFFALO BILL )
OR IT GETS THE DRYNESS AGAIN."
"I'D MOISTURIZE ME."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A DISTURBING IMAGE.
YOU'RE ALL WELCOME.
YOU'RE ALL WELCOME FOR THAT IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ISN'T THE ONLY 2024 HOPEFUL WHO GAVE A
SPEECH IN D.C. TODAY.
SO DID HIS FORMER V.P. MIKE PENCE.
HERE'S THE VEEP'S BIG ENTRANCE AT THE YOUTH AMERICA FOUNDATION:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WOOO!
TALK ABOUT RAZZLE-DAZZLE!
ROCK 'N ROLL, NEON!
THE SPEECH WAS ELECTRIC!
UNTIL HE GAVE IT: >> OUR LIVES HAVE CHANGED A LOT
SINCE THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER.
WE MOVED BACK TO INDIANA, WE BOUGHT FIVE ACRES AND A POND.
I GOT A RIDING MOWER, JOHN DEERE, ZERO-TURN RADIUS, 54-INCH
DECK, 25 HORSEPOWER.
>> Stephen: DON'T MAKE US THINK ABOUT GRASS GROWING, MIKE.
IT'S MORE EXCITING THAN YOU ARE.
( LAUGHTER )
LOOKS LIKE THESE DAYS, INSISTING HE'S A REGULAR GUY.
>> KAREN AND I CAN CONFIRM NOW WITH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, YOU
CAN BE THE GOVERNOR OF YOUR HOME STATE FOR FOUR, YOU CAN EVEN BE
VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, BUT YOU ARE
STILL GOING TO WAIT 25 MINUTES FOR A TABLE AT OLIVE GARDEN ON
SATURDAY NIGHT AT 7:00.
>> Stephen: OLIVE GARDEN AT 7:00 P.M.
THAT'S A PRETTY HOT SATURDAY NIGHT.
( AS PENCE )
NO THANK YOU, I'M DRIVING."
ONE REPUBLICAN WHO WON'T BE SUPPORTING PENCE IS FLORIDA
CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ, SEEN HERE CHEERING AT THE WRONG PART
OF THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT SEMINAR.
( LAUGHTER )
TRAFFICKING AN UNDERAGE WOMAN FOR SEX, BUT IT HASN'T AFFECTED
HIS SPEAKING SCHEDULE.
OVER THE WEEKEND, HE APPEARED AT THE ULTRACONSERVATIVE GROUP,
TURNING POINT USA'S, ANNUAL STUDENT ACTION SUMMIT.
GAETZ WILL ATTEND ANYTHING WITH THE WORDS "STUDENT" AND "ACTION"
IN THE TITLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND DURING HIS SPEECH--
OKAY, SURE.
NOT SURE WHAT WE'RE APPLAUDING, BUT I'M IN.
DURING HIS SPEECH, GAETZ SAID THIS ABOUT PENCE:
>> LET ME JUST SAY WHAT EVERYBODY HERE KNOWS: MIKE PENCE
WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: OH, SNAP.
( LAUGHTER )
A GUY WHO'S NOT ALLOWED WITHIN 50 FEET OF ONE.
IT IN HAPPIER NEWS THAN MATT GAETZ:
MONKEYPOX.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN MY I REALLY WISH THIS WASN'T
A RECURRING SEGMENT: ♪ MAMA CALLED THE DOCTOR
AND THE DOCTOR SAID ♪ NO MORE MONKEY POX SPREADING
ON THE BED!
>> Stephen: MONKEYPOX FIRST APPEARED IN THE U.S. BACK IN
MAY, AND UNLIKE WITH COVID, WE REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN READY,
BECAUSE THERE'S A PRE-EXISTING VACCINE.
IN FACT, THE UNITED STATES. OWNS WELL OVER A MILLION DOSES.
BUT BY JUNE, NEW YORK CITY HAD ONLY 1,000 DOSES AVAILABLE.
THAT'S NOTHING!
A THOUSAND NEW YORKERS IS THE WAITLIST FOR BRUNCH.
( LAUGHTER )
PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS.
BUT IN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS AFTER MONKEYPOX ARRIVED IN THE U.S.,
THE GOVERNMENT REQUESTED ONLY 72,000 DOSES, TAKING WHAT'S NOW
BEING CALLED A "WAIT-AND-SEE ATTITUDE."
NOT THE URGENCY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IN AN EMERGENCY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR A LIFE GUARD SAY, "LOOKS LIKE YOU
MIGHT BE DROWNING, BUT LET'S WAIT AND SEE.
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, A VERY "GLUG-GLUG" TO YOU, TOO.
SO WHERE'S ALL THE VACCINE WE ALREADY OWN?
IT'S CURRENTLY IN DENMARK, BUT WE HAVEN'T SHIPPED IT OVER HERE
BECAUSE OFFICIALS SAID THE STORAGE FACILITIES IN AMERICA
AREN'T AS COLD AS THE DENMARK FACILITY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IS AS COLD?
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
SEND THOSE VACCINES TO ME.
I'LL STICK 'EM BEHIND MY DESK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD AND STAR OF "STRANGER
THINGS," BRETT GELMAN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.