- [Narrator] Do you live for the drama?
Well I bring you Pasion de Gavilanes,
a Columbian telenovela
full of terribly acted heart attacks,
horse accidents,
uncomfortable sex scenes,
and so much violence
that even abuela wants in the fight.
So if you love to watch people suffer,
then Pasion de Gavilanes will give you
a dose of pure misery,
because telenovelas
are hell.
(mariachi music)
(explosion)
The telenovela tells the story of Libia
and her three muscular brothers,
Angry,
Horny,
and Stupidy.
One day
Libia drops a bomb on her brothers
by telling them she's been having an affair
with Senor Elizondo,
a rich old guy that looks like
if Santa Claus had a midlife crisis
and joined a gym.
Libia tells them she's been sneaking off
with Senor Elizondo
to have lots of sex in horse stables
that smell like poo poo
and that she's pregnant
which makes her brothers so mad
they smash each other's faces
into lumps of dough.
Senor Elizondo promises his brothers
that he'll divorce his wife
and marry their sister,
except he immediately dies by falling off
his sick horse
that won't stop drooling.
To make matters worse,
their sister finds out
about his death while she's out shopping
for beans and jumps off a bridge.
You think this is dramatic?
Well, we're just getting started.
When the brothers find out,
they pinky swear
to avenge her death by destroying
the lives of Mr. Elizondo's family.
They devise a genius plan to infiltrate
the dead man's ranch by pretending
to be construction workers
and rob them
or, like, kill them or something.
So, Horny, Angry, and Stupidy
show up one day
and start building the shittiest wall
that's ever existed while looking so sexy
that even grandpa gets a boner.
Very quickly,
Horny's sadness over his sister's death
goes away when he becomes, well,
horny for Mr. Elizondo's oldest daughter
whose married to a man
that abuses her
and looks like a toothpick with arms.
The couple falls in love after she caresses
his hard pepperoni nipples,
and he gets her pregnant.
Back at the ranch
Angry and Stupidy continue
to make no progress on their wall,
and you won't believe this,
but Angry and Mr. Elizondo's middle daughter
get kidnapped by mistake
which causes them to fall in love and elope
after she shows him her titties
in front of a waterfall.
Now that his bros are in love,
Stupidy feels like
his life is meaningless,
so he gets wasted
and marries and old rich lady with crazy eyes.
You're probably thinking,
"there haven't been that many deaths yet"
but don't worry.
The telenovela gods deliver
when Stupidy's new bride
gives us one of the most spectacular deaths
in television history
when she has a heart attack
at her own wedding.
I guess Stupidy wasn't so stupid after all,
because guess what?
He inherits all her money
and is rich as shit now
and free to pursue his true love,
Mr. Elizondo's youngest daughter.
Now the brothers are like,
"okay, so maybe we forgot about the whole
get revenge for our sister
and her unborn baby thing,
but hey
we're rich,
and our women are fine."
So the three couples get married
and live happily ever after.
Guys, come on!
This is a telenovela.
Of course they don't.
When Mr. Elizondo's widow
finds out that her daughters
have all married,
she gets real pissed and is like...
So she marries her daughter's
evil toothpick ex-husband,
except all he wants is her money.
So he kidnaps her,
puts her in a dungeon,
and demands a ransom.
To add to the menu of bad shit happening,
creepy grandpa attempts to rescue her
by dragging himself
up an entire flight of stairs
and then has a heart attack.
(gasping)
Eventually,
the brothers rescue their mother-in-law
and push the evil toothpick man
into quicksand.
Finally the whole family's reunited and safe
and having a celebratory party,
and in case you were wondering what happened
to that wall the brothers built,
well...
(crashing)
The end.