WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS BUT SOMEONE WAS DOING IT IN THE
BALCONY, AND I LOVE IT!
I NEED THE POSITIVE ENERGY.
FOLKS, THIS IS A CRAZY ELECTION.
BUT, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW THAT, UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN IN A COMA.
AND IF YOU WERE IN A COMA, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SLIP BACK IN FOR
THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.
(APPLAUSE) BECAUSE TODAY, DONALD TRUMP
RECEIVED HIS 1,237TH DELEGATE, CLINCHING THE REPUBLICAN
NOMINATION.
(AUDIENCE BOOING) AND SAYING THAT JUST CLENCHED A
FEW SPHINCTERS.
(LAUGHTER) SO THAT'S IT.
IT'S OFFICIAL.
THE DIE IS CAST.
TRUMP'S THE NOMINEE.
JUST GOING TO GET COMFORTABLE FOR A SECOND.
(CHEERING) A YEAR AGO, IT SEEMED
IMPOSSIBLE.
BUT IT JUST GOES TO SHOW: IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO SOMETHING AND
WORK REALLY HARD -- YOU'LL STILL PROBABLY LOSE TO DONALD TRUMP.
HERE'S WHAT PUT TRUMP OVER THE TOP: A SMALL GROUP OF UNPLEDGED
DELEGATES DECIDED TODAY TO BACK TRUMP AT THE CONVENTION, AND IT
IS ROCK SOLID SUPPORT, LIKE ONE PENNSYLVANIA DELEGATE WHO SAYS
HE WILL BACK TRUMP ON THE FIRST BALLOT, BUT "IF THERE'S A SECOND
BALLOT, I WON'T VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP, HE'S RIDICULOUS.
THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO SAY IT."
NOW, COME ON!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW, COME ON.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER WAYS TO SAY IT.
YOU COULD SAY "HE'S A BLOATED LEATHER SACK STUFFED FULL OF
STEAK AND EGO."
YOU COULD SAY, "HE'S GOT A HEAD FOR BANKRUPTING BUSINESS AND A
BODY FOR SWEATPANTS."
YOU COULD SAY, "HE'S A MICROWAVED CIRCUS PEANUT
SOMEONE RUBBED ON A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
LY" DICK LOUSE.
RIDICULOUS.
IT WAS SO COMFORTABLE DOWN THERE.
CAN I STAY DOWN THERE BETWEEN NOW AND THE ELECTION?
THEY'RE TELLING ME I HAVE TO STAND UP.
BUT WAIT.
THERE'S MORE.
BECAUSE HILLARY CLINTON HAS SAID SHE ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE
DEBATING BERNIE SANDERS ANYMORE.
SO, TODAY, TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL DEBATE BERNIE SANDERS!
THAT'S RIGHT.
TWO ANGRY NEW YORKERS SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER -- IT'LL BE LIKE
THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TRAPPED IN A SUBWAY CAR!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
IMMEDIATELY AFTER TRUMP OFFERED TO DEBATE HIM, BERNIE RESPONDED
BY TWEETING, "GAME ON."
(LAUGHTER) SOUNDS LIKE HE'S ACCEPTING, BUT
HE IS AN OLD GUY, SO HE MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN TRYING TO TELL
THE COMPUTER TO OPEN SOLITAIRE.
NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
GAME ON.
OPEN THE GAME.
AND WHILE EVERY NETWORK IS BIDDING FOR THIS DEBATE, I AM
HAPPY TO REPORT THAT THE DEBATE WILL BE ON THIS SHOW!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN, BUT I AM HAPPY TO REPORT THAT.
MAKES ME VERY HAPPY TO SAY THAT.
NOW, TRUMP DID PUT ONE CONDITION ON THE DEBATE.
>> I'D LOVE TO DEBATE.
BERNIE.
HE'S A DREAM.
IF WE CAN RAISE FOR MAYBE WOMEN'S HEALTH ISSUES OR
SOMETHING.
IF WE CAN RAISE 10- OR $15 MILLION FOR CHARITY.
>> STEPHEN: YES, TO RAISE MONEY FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH ISSUES.
I'M GUESSING, "THE DONALD TRUMP FOUNDATION FOR WOMEN WHO AREN'T
ANYWHERE NEAR A '10', THEY'RE LIKE A '5' TOPS."