(English captions and timing by KimonoFlareonGX)
(BGM: Also Sprach Zarathustra)
What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness of negative Earth?
A towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers?!
*Or*, a giant monolith of death hellbent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter?
No, it's the AC Adapter for a ColecoVision.
(The Nerd "struggles" to pick it up)
What the fuck were they thinking?!
Is this necessary?!
Look, I can't fit this godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet! Unless there's *nothing* next to it!
What a fuckin' hog!
That's what it is, a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog!
Anyway, the ColecoVision was released in 1982.
And like the Intellivision, it had the same stupid-ass keypad! But with a joystick.
Well, almost a joystick, and it's so stiff it doesn't fare much better.
First, let's try out "Montezuma's Revenge".
Well, I wouldn't make some comment about diarrhea or somethin', but it's actually a pretty good platforming game.
You collect a bunch of treasures while avoiding all kinds of hazards. Standard stuff, you know, but well done.
Only problem: This controller is fuckin' HORRIBLE!
But the good news is that, unlike the Intellivision, you can unplug the controller and swap it with an Atari or a Sega Genesis controller.
Who would've thought that would be compatible? But, what a great thing.
Now, let's try "Rocky". That's right, "Rocky" on the Colecovision.
(8-bit rendition of "Gonna Fly Now" playing)
The music and the graphics are quite good for the time, but would it be too much trouble to add any facial features?
As far to my knowledge, your only opponent is Clubber Lang.
After all, "Rocky III" was the newest movie, so there's definitely no Ivan Drago.
But all you do is mash buttons and it all boils down to a big crock of shit.
Okay, you're not gonna believe this one. It's called "Cabbage Patch Kids: Adventure in the Park".
It's basically like another "Pitfall" game, but with a random layout.
Why would I swing on the vines when I can hop on the lily pad instead?
Then there's screens which don't have anything on it, so what's the point of having them? And so many of them look the same.
Next is "Campaign '84". Yes, a game based on the presidential campaign.
Probably the worst fuckin' concept for any game in history.
First you pick what you wanna accomplish. Y'know, like what kind of serious issues are on the country, like "ban all shoelaces"?
And that's *my* favorite, 'cuz shoelaces are bullshit!
Then you pick the Donkey or the Elephant. I don't really know which is which.
And then you're movin' around and... I really seem to be having a lot of trouble with this because I can *barely move!*
All right, let's try to touch the megaphone. Okay.
"You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." Okay, well who the hell was watchin' me get dressed?!
If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!
Next up is "Chuck Norris". Yeah, that's right, "Chuck Norris: The Game".
You're walkin' around and then you get into fights. And the attacks are completely ineffective.
C'mon, you son of a bitch!
Wow. This is shit.
Next we have "Dance Fantasy".
Okay. Well, my first question is where is the music, and what the hell am I tryin' to do? You're just, like, floatin' around!
It's as much fun as draggin' a mouse around a computer screen.
"Dr. Seuss's Fix Up the Mix-up Puzzler".
It's a puzzle game where you put together different Dr. Seuss characters. Yeah, that's about as much as I can say about that.
"Learning with Leeper". It's one of the most juvenile games I've ever played.
You're a weird eyeball with legs and there's four little games to pick from.
In the balloon game, all you gotta do is match the letters.
See, that's a "T" up there, so all I do is I just grab the "T", and then I match them up, and there you go. You win. It's pretty hard, right?
In the maze game, you're a frog being chased by a centipede. All you gotta do is get to the end of the maze and that's it.
The dog game, I have no fuckin' clue what to do.
But the paint game is basically like an old Paint program. If you thought "Mario Paint" was primitive, well, look again.
Next is "Looping". Here we go-- (crash!) Oh, let's try again.
(loop!) Oh, MAN! That pilot's drunk as shit!
Oh, I gotta get through the wall, here we go-- (crash!) Okay.
Maybe I gotta go over it. (boop!) Oh, I guess not. (loop!) Uh-oh, let's try again.
(confused) Oh, man, what am I supposed to do?!
(crash!) FUCK!
Oh, I know. I gotta shoot through it.
(crash!)
(glass shatters)
"Robin Hood". I guess you're Robin Hood and you're just shootin' the fuck outta people with your arrows.
Man, all this violence goin' on, but the sun is just smilin' away.
(cheery music continues)
"Slurpy". Okay, you're just goin' around slurpin' balls.
And there's all kinds of weird creatures comin' at you. And I-I really don't know how else to describe this thing, it's like... What the hell?
"Smurf Rescue". Yeah, how could you go wrong with a game about the Smurfs?
All you do is keep walkin' right. Nobody's tryin' to kill you. Everything's just fine and dandy.
What a nice game. This is the happiest game ever made.
"WarGames". I'm assuming it's based off the movie, since they both came out in 1983.
You're basically tryin' to stop nuclear missiles from blowin' up the whole world. It's kinda serious.
But there's another one called "WarRoom", which is a similar game, except this one has some comedic relief, because it's got giant mutant chickens.
All right, well this video is gettin' outta hand. And we can spend all day talkin' about these games and discussing them in depth,
but I only wanted to give you an introduction to two classic gaming consoles.
Now I know we mainly focused on the shitty aspects, but lemme tell ya:
That's the name of the game.
But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module.
Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral?
You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor.
Okay, that would *never* happen today.
That's like if Sony said, "Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the PlayStation 3. You're gonna be able to play Xbox games on it."
There would be lawsuits up the ass!
And there were more expansion modules.
The second one's a steering wheel for the driving games, and the third one connects the fucker to an Adam computer.
I wonder if the Addams Family had an Adam computer?
Now the *fourth* expansion module connects it to a dishwasher.
And then the fifth and final one... connects it to your ​*ass!*
♪ Never do more than I really need. ♪
(8-bit explosion)
♪ My mind is racing, but my body's in the lead. ♪
♪ Tonight's the night, I'm gonna push it to the limit. ♪
(another 8-bit explosion)
♪ I'll live all of my years in a single minute. ♪
♪ Fill my eyes with that double vision. ♪
♪ No disguise for that double vision. ♪
♪ Ooh, when it gets through to me, it's always new to me. My double vision's got the best of me... ♪
(Update: Cringey asides removed)