Alright, now for most people their college days make up the best part of their lives
Everybody's out partying and getting drunk
"I partied so hard in college I shat Jose Cuervo for a month and I got hepatitis!"
And that's all good and great, but I personally didn't get that experience
Because I did a little thing, called 'Commuting To College'
And boy, is that a whole different experience!
You're sitting there in class with a bunch of assholes that just rolled out of bed, all hungover
"Bro, are you going to the Wicked Parties tonight, bro?"
"Ah, bro, I'm working six hours at Pizzas is what I'm doing tonight, bro!"
I didn't get to stay in a sweet dorm room, no!
I stayed in a duplex that was haunted as hell, that's where I stayed
I didn't get to walk to class in sweat pants like this asshole over here
Hell, I didn't even have a car of my own
I had to get dropped off by my sister like a goddamn little kid on the first day of school
"Here's your stop, loser! Have fun not getting laid!"
Do you know how hard it is to coordinate rides to school with my screwed up class schedule?
"Aight, you can pick me up in an hour, right? Okay, cool!"
"How about 8 hours later, can you take me to English class?"
"I know it's 9 o'clock at night, that's not inconvenient, is it?"
Well, that's not gonna work in the long run!
So I did what anybody would do, I took out a student loan and I bought a car
"Uh.. you know you have to pay this back, right?"
"Oh no, I don't have to pay this back! Future me has to pay this back!"
"And I could give two fucks about future me!"
Now, I went to school for computer engineering at my local university
And I know what you're thinking:
"Computer engineering? Boy, you must've fucked up royally if you ass is drawing stick figures for a living!"
And boy, did I ever!
You see, I didn't know what to do after high school
And when I was growing up, it was just implied that I would go to college
"Okay, first you go to college, then you get your degree, then you find a job and then you work for 30 years!"
"And then, if you're lucky, you get to die!"
So when I got out of high school, I thought: "Ah, fuck it! How about computer engineering?"
"That sounds like something I could do!"
"Even though I have no background experience or even any general interest whatsoever!"
"It's just a decision that's gonna affect the rest of my life, what's the big deal!"
My first college class that I attended was a calculus class
And it was taught by a professor that was not from the United States
I know he wasn't from the United States
Because he had an accent that I've never heard of before in my life!
"Where the hell is this guy from? France? Pakistan? Fuckin'.. Planet Alpha Beta 17?!"
"Where the hell is this guy from?!"
So this guy would be up there, trying to teach everybody calculus
And nobody could understand what the hell he was saying
Because he's got this strange-ass intergalactic accent!
And not only that, but he would whisper on top of it!
He'd be whispering there like:
"Psstt..derivatives deee-daa..deee dukap, durky-durky doo.."
"Derivatives.. durky-durky doo!"
I'm sitting all the way in the back of the classroom, like:
"Boy, I'm gonna be a shitty engineer if this keeps up!"
"Uhm, excuse me! We're all just wondering what the hell are you saying up there!"
"Future me is already paying for a car"
"I'm sure he doesn't want to pay you.."
"To whisper a bunch of math secrets in some made up fuckin' fairytale dialect!"
So needless to say, I struggled quite a bit in that class!
But it was a goddamn cakewalk, compared to my first programming class!
Now, what do I know about programming
Well, I know how to program a microwave to make some bomb-ass Hot Pockets, and that's about it!
But how hard can it be?
I've seen movies, I can wear glasses and type really fast on the computer, that's half the battle!
Now, it's worth mentioning, that my professor of this class was an old man
Who, apparently, has been programming computers since they were the size of a fuckin' Kmart!
Now, he definitely knew what he was talking about
But just because you know what you're talking about doesn't mean your ass is a good teacher!
He would fly through the lessons at a record pace
Everybody's scratching their head like:
"What the hell is this guy talking about?! What page are we on?!"
"Is this the right book? I can't feel my fuckin' face!"
Everybody's baffled in the class, except for, like, 3 geniuses up front
"Uh, I see what he's doing, do you guys wanna start a billion dollar business in my garage?"
"Yeah, that sounds swell!"
Not only did this professor talk fast..
But he would also say the word 'Alright' before and after, like, every goddamn sentence!
"Alright, everybody get out a piece of paper and get ready to write, alright?"
"Alright, we got Boolean operators, alright?"
"Alright, now true/false statement, right? Alright, that's alright, alright?"
"My fuckin' head's gonna explode!"
After a while, that's all I could hear was the word alright
I wasn't learning a goddamn thing!
Everything on the board was alright
Everything on my test was
Everything on my test was Alright
Everything on my test was Alright Alright
Everything on my test was Alright Alright Alright!
I start lookin' around me and everybody's dropping out of his class left and right (All right!)
"Well, what the hell is my dumb microwave-programming ass still doing here?"
The hell am I gonna do? Make a fuckin' better PayPal? I don't think so!
So needless to say, my first year of college didn't go right
"Alright, that's alright!"
I failed both of these classes with flying colors and I lose all my scholarships
So the next school year comes around and I go to a little thing, called 'Community College"
And let me tell you something about Community College
It is different!
There's all sorts of people in community college class
There's like, a homeless guy in there
Some chick breastfeeding a baby in the back
"Uhm.. Anybody going to the Wicked Parties tonight?"
"BITCH I GOT KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF!"
So now I'm a man amongst his peers!
I did a lot better in Community College
Not to mention, I also switched my major to Web Design
Because HTML is a hell of a lot easier to learn than this happy horseshit
Couple years later I got my little bullshit Web Design degree
And I haven't made a website since!
But you know what, it wasn't a complete waste of time
Because when I was in school, I took a class on Adobe Flash
And you know what you can do on Adobe Flash?
That's right, make shitty stick figures! So we've come full circle!
So here's to you, Community College: You made me the man that I am today!
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