I used to play soccer a lot. I'm pretty sure I had a shirt that said 'Soccer is Life!'
I was a midfielder and I loved scoring goals and whether you've played soccer or not,
try to picture this right, imagine you're a player, you've got the ball, obviously you want to score,
now you're dribbling at full speed down the field toward the goal, you pull a sweet spin move around
that last defender leaving nothing between you and the goalie. Now a soccer goal is pretty big
so there's a lot of open space to get the ball into that net, but as you're flying full speed
ahead, what would happen if you started to think 'don't kick it at the goalie, don't kick it at the
goalie'. With that as your focus, where do you think the ball is going to go? In most cases
you'd kick the ball right at the goalie because that is what you're focused on. If, instead of
the goalie, you aim for the bottom, left corner of the goal but you're thinking 'don't hit the post,
don't hit the post', you're probably going to hit the post. Now however, if you focus on the open
space between the post and the goalie, if you just stare intently at that spot that you want to hit,
you're going to be much more likely that the ball will end up in the back of the net and that will
feel amazing. So with this story in mind, I want you to understand that what you focus on is essential
in the process of setting and achieving better goals and I know what you're thinking right, 'oh
I know how to set goals, I know how to make goals and write them down and plan them' and that's great,
but most people get this one really essential part wrong. They set negative goals instead of
positive goals. So let's talk about how your brain works, how to understand that to make and achieve
better goals. Okay, so let's look at two fairly standard goals that most people try at some time
in their life. Weight loss and being more social. Now, these are pretty straightforward, they could
sound something like 'I want to lose x number of pounds' or 'I want to make x number of new friends'.
Now let's look at two goal-oriented phrases that you might make when you're working on these goals.
So someone sitting at a dinner table in front of a delicious meal may say 'I want to eat less
food' or someone going to a new social event may say 'I want to be less anxious around new people.'
You'll notice the focus, the verb or the action word of both of these sentences
is eat food and act anxious, neither goal provides an actionable step in the positive direction you
wish to go in. The brain doesn't really understand the word "no" or the negative concept of "don't" do
that. The brain focuses on the overall action that's being requested regardless of its context.
The brain actually has to make a workaround so if you say don't eat more food it's having to do all
this extra computing trying to guess what you want it to do instead or don't be anxious your brain's
trying to figure out what's those extra steps right and this is really apparent you'll see this
a lot with little kids. If you tell a toddler 'don't run', they don't know what don't means and they
don't have the computing power to calculate what they should do instead, but they do know what run
means and so if you tell a kid 'don't run into the street' they're probably going to start sprinting
right, and if you tell a little kid 'don't hit' all they can understand is the word hit. They
have they have no idea what to do instead. Now, as an adult, if you told you know an adult don't hit
they would automatically calculate like oh put my arm down, but that's making your brain take
these extra steps right. You'll notice in all of these examples that the goal is to remove
something from the behavior instead of focusing on what you're going to do, focusing on that positive
outcome. So these are called negative goals because your focus is on subtracting something.
Can you see the problem with these negative goals? So for example, 'I don't want to feel sad' or 'I don't
want to mess up' or 'I don't want to yell at my kids'. The goal of not taking action is a very
difficult one. The people who are most successful at not taking action
are not generally very successful people right, and negative goals focus on not making mistakes,
by taking no action and this is a big contributor to anxiety and depression. I've heard this type of
goal called "dead people goals", because the only people who succeed at never feeling sad or never
messing up are people who are dead right? Martin Luther King Jr., this is something I think of
all the time right, Martin Luther King Jr. said you can't cast out darkness with darkness, only light
can do that. So instead put your energy into what you do want to achieve, not what you want to avoid.
These are positive goals, positive meaning some action that you add that will move you towards
your goals. So a parent could say to a toddler that's hitting 'be soft with your hands' or 'go slow'.
To someone who's feeling anxious about being social with a new group they could just say to
themselves 'just focus on smiling and saying hello to two new people'. To someone who's looking to get
healthier with their weight, they could say 'I'm going to pay more attention to my bodily
sensations of hunger and fullness and listen to that inner wisdom of my body' and to a soccer
player looking to score a goal you could say 'aim for the net between the goalie and the post' right,
and when it comes to setting positive goals it's really best to identify the smallest possible
steps to achieve those goals. So if you continually feel anxious about something you can start
by identifying those triggers, those things that trigger your anxiety, you can start by identifying
what triggers your anxiety in those situations and that way you can start planning what action you'll
focus on and take during those moments instead of what you're trying to avoid. So if your goal
is to 'stop yelling at your kids', that might not be a super helpful goal. So instead, replace that with
'I'm going to identify my triggers for yelling, I'm going to read two articles on conscious discipline
to expand my parenting skills' or 'I will ask my preschool teacher for tips' or 'I will develop
two new skills for managing my stress when I'm upset at my children.' If you want to set better
big goals, focus your attention and your words on what you want to achieve when you're achieving
those goals. Focus on actionable steps that you're going to take to bring these things into your life
instead of what you're not going to do, like kick the ball at the goalie,
because avoiding things you don't want in your life doesn't bring you closer to the things you
do want in your life. When you've set a positive goal that means you're telling your brain what you
do want to add to your life. When you do that it gives your brain a chance to roll that idea around
and it helps you set the intention to take clear, actionable steps to make that goal
a reality. If you're here watching my videos then you are looking to improve your life.
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it to work through your emotions. Okay, so what are your goals? Share one of your goals in the
comments below, I'd love to hear about them. Thank you for watching and take care.