[Disneycember theme]
Doug Walker: Oh my god, guys. Camp Rock is so bad.
I know I kind of sound like a giggling idiot saying that, but I'm sorry.
It's really hard not to laugh when talking about this movie. It is just so bad.
Okay, it's not as surreal as Can of Worms, or as annoying as Cheetah Girls
But it really is kind of amazing how they hit every single possible cliche you could do with this story
Where do I even begin?
I'll start at the beginning, cuz yeah, it's like everything immediately seems awkward and out of place even from the start
There's this high school girl named Mitchie, who's really excited to go to Camp Rock.
But it looks like her parents aren't able to have her go
But then it turns out they can
Yeah...
That's the opening. What was the point of that?
She finds out she can't go. She mopes for maybe a minute
And then the parents are so excited they tell her that they can go because they're catering there, and she's excited again.
Why wasn't that edited out? I'll tell you exactly why. because they saw in other movies
Because they saw in other movies, this cliche where somebody is sad that they can't go to a place, but then happy when they find out they can.
Even though they don't really grasp that that goes through a long time,
and there's ups and downs, peaks, and valleys and arches and stuff like that.
No, you just need a minute of this not yet developed character sulking and then suddenly being happy.
And that's pretty much how the rest of the film works
Just trying to cram in as many cliches as possible. They can't even juggle them all.
You see the Jonas Brothers-
Oh wait, I'm sorry, not the Jonas Brothers.
A completely different band has the lead singer who's acting out and totally forgetting what it means to be about the music
So his band members drop him off at Camp Rock to hope he will regain his voice
Yeah, because a teenybopper pop singer surrounded by teens is gonna help him discover his voice.
Isn't that what you already get?
Even the first scene we have with him and Mitchie at the camp is just a mix of too many cliches
He's running away from a bunch of girls so he hides in a bush.
She suddenly gets an urge to play in the piano
You know, be herself and play her little solo that she wrote
I think the idea is that he's supposed to hear her music and be inspired, but they don't show any thing like that
She's playing and it keeps cutting back to him, but he's not looking up at her or acting like he's hearing anything.
He's just looking at these girls he's trying to hide from.
Then she disappears, then he goes inside and it's like "Was anybody here?"
Oh, okay, so you did hear what was in there?
How come nothing on your face indicated that?
How come none of the editing indicated that?
Well, no time to answer that.
We have to get to all our incredibly cliched characters like the popular bully who apparently runs the camp.
Well, how does a teen pop singer run a camp?
Even the snarky, best friend stereotype is like "Yeah, music doesn't fly here. It's all about the bling.
That's why she runs the camp."
But it's okay, because Michie, of course, makes up a lie that her parents are incredibly popular and presidents of companies and stuff like that.
And she's totally been in a lot of music videos.
And, uh oh, well that lie be revealed somewhere down the road
Well again, we have no time for that cliche because we had to get to the cliche of the Jonas Brother
just sitting alone and saying he doesn't like being a label.
He wants to work in his own music and not this cookie cutter stuff.
Uh, news flash jackass, the guy sitting alone on the beach playing his guitar is also a label.
You're a living proof of that being a Jonas Brother acting out this cliche.
But up, we have to get to the cliche of the bully girl throwing food at another girl.
But it's okay, because she'll still sabotage her by interrupting her performance saying that she saw a snake this okay
This... okay.
So got interrupted the girl can go right back to play up. No. She's too mad apparently.
She can't keep playing, what reality is this in?
Where the hell are the counselors?
There's no order at this place.
But apparently that's still not enough cliches so the bully girl makes it look like she stole something from her.
Oh my god, this is overload.
Did anybody have an original thought when making this?
But it's tragic too because that bully girl, it turns out her mother is a pop star and doesn't have time for her.
Ohhh, this film's deep guys.
So now Mitch is a liar and apparently a thief.
But of course, it'll take some sort of big Jam concert at the end to make everybody okay.
Michie, her best friend, Jonas brother number three, even the bully girl ends up being a best friend at the end
Okay, you know what I am there sick of this. There need to be some consequences.
I'm usually for forgive and forgetting everything, but this is ridiculous
What number Disney Channel movie is this where they just kiss and make up at the end.
Totally forget all the terrible things they've done, and they just allow them to be friends again
I know it's good to be nice, but I'm sorry. There's got to be some goddamn responsibility in this world.
Oh, and by the way an answer to the first question you were probably asking when you saw this review;
The answer is no. The Jonas Brothers cannot act.
Jonas Brother 1: We have a problem with that
Jonas Brother 2: Actually, I don't really have a problem with that.
We have a problem with that.
Jonas Brother 3: One word, payback.
Jonas Brother 2: That's two words by God is that painful this film doesn't have a corny charm like the high school
Doug Walker: By god, is that painful.
This film doesn't have a corny charm like the High School Musicals or the Twitch's films.
It's just manipulative beginning to end.
Nothing seems real, nothing seems interesting
Which is a shame because I think the girl playing the main lead actually isn't that bad.
She's got this awkward smile and okay delivery that I could totally see working in another film, but here
But here, there's nothing she or any of these cast members can do.
It's just every cliche checklist you can imagine
But I'll be honest. It's hard to say I didn't kind of enjoy how bad it was.
I mean, good lord, even the songs suck.
For Jonas Brother Number Three talking about cookie cutter pop songs, there sure are a lot of cookie cutter pop songs in this.
So yeah, I can kind of see people looking back on this and laughing the same way
we look back on Space Jam and laugh, like it's just so incredibly dumb and dated.
But if you're looking for a legitimately good or charming movie. I can easily say get the rock out of here