We've done a lot of videos here about dealing with divorce and about parenting,
today, how do you deal with your parents' divorce? You're cruising along through
life and everything's going just like you planned it to - right? I know that's
kind of lala land but there's one thing that often happens that just kind of
throws a wrench into things and that's when the family disrupts. I've done some
other videos here about how to help little kids to deal with divorce, how to
talk to them about the divorce of their parents for example or if you're a
parent how to talk to your kids about what's going on in that relationship and
and the breakup and and whatever is happening. I thought in this video that
we ought to take a look at some of the older kids. If you're a teenager, a young
adult and you're trying to deal with your parents divorce, what are some
things that you can do? So I've thought through four things that you should not
do. I'm going to give you a four don'ts, alright and then hang on because right
after that I'm going to give you four things that you can do. Things that you
should do that can make this a whole lot better. So let's jump into the don'ts
first. Don't number one - don't put yourself in the middle or pick sides or
form a camp with one parent or the other. You know what it's not about you.
This is something that's going on with your parents and I've found this , I try
to help little kids understand this that nobody really knows what happened here.
So don't put yourself in the middle of it or become a messenger. That's my first
caution to you. This might come as a relief to you as well because it's easy
to get sucked in. You just want to be helpful and so you're showing up you
know your being there as a support to your mom or your dad.
And they say, "well you go tell your dad or you make sure mom knows that." No, it's
not your role to be that messenger. So it's okay for you to set that limit. The
ways to communicate that to your parents can
very respectful. I would suggest that you simply... if you're being put in the middle
like that if you're getting sucked in, that you simply identify, verify and
accept. Identify, verify and accept. This comes from a communication expert
colleague of mine named Pamela Jett who taught this to me in a podcast episode
titled, "how to handle a sniper" but it applies here too. Where if someone's
putting you into that difficult position you can simply identify. You can say, "hey
Dad when you asked me to take messages to mom, I feel that I'm betraying someone."
Is that what you are going for? Now that's the first two steps okay? identify
means that you say, "hey when this happens, I feel this." Verify is, is that what you
were going for?" and then you accept because whatever dad says at this point
you're going to simply say "okay" and he might say, "oh no I didn't mean to put you
in the middle. I don't want you to feel like you're betraying anyone." Okay see
that's powerful. You've just set a boundary that's going to help you to make
sure that you don't put yourself in the middle or become a messenger. Here's
don't number two. Don't try to figure out what caused this or whose fault it is.
Trust me, I'm coming from years of experience working with good people who
for whatever reason find themselves in this position, where the marriage is
falling apart or they choose to divorce. Nobody really knows. And I've tried to
help little kids understand this too because they're thinking,
"no it's my fault." No, it's not your fault and nobody really knows. When I was
doing child custody evaluations, mom would come in and she would tell me this
story, you write about what happened. She's got an opinion of course she does.
And she knows that she's right about it. Just notice that she would tell me the
whole story, right? I'm taking notes and I'm like, "oh okay."
Dad comes in usually the next day or a few days later or something he tells me
his story. Guess what? totally different story. Oh there's some of the same
characters, some of the same events but a totally different story. He's got a
different take on it, doesn't he? My job with the court was to make
recommendations about what's going to happen with the kids even as a trained
professional. It's not my job to decide what really happened or who's right and
who's wrong. I want to take you out of that position, okay? Is one of the kids in
this family? It's not your job to figure out which of your parents is right and
which one's wrong. And that will help you with number one, two because you don't
want to align with someone or form a camp, you want to love both of your
parents and stay in a position where you don't have to be the go-between. So don't
try to figure out what actually happened or who's right and who's wrong. It's
going to be a little hard to let go up but trust me on that that's going to help. Third
don't - don't take the blame or assume that you could have done anything to
change this outcome. It's not about you. It's normal, okay? totally, totally normal.
To think oh my gosh if I would have just been a better son, a better daughter then
this thing wouldn't have happened. I could have been more supportive, I should
have seen this coming, I could have made an intervention, I could have rallied
some merge sort resources or support. No, no it's not about you. This is a very
complicated issue that your parents have grappled with probably for years. Maybe
even before you even showed up on the scene.
I don't know. They've all got their own story but here's what I've learned from
all my experience. It's never the child's fault. There's nothing that the child can
do differently to change the outcome. It's not about that. So don't assume that
you had some cause in this or that you could have changed the outcome. Hopefully
you find that is relief okay? and just trust my experience on that. Here's the
fourth don't. Don't let this pull you into negativity. This might seem obvious
and you know that I'm the positivity guy right? There's ways that you can stay
positive no matter what. That's other videos. Don't let this suck you into an
negative spiral. The fact that your parents are
divorcing or have divorced, does not mean that your life has to be awful or
terrible or tainted. In fact you know what,
there's upsides and downsides to everything, okay?
Just connect with that for a moment. There are upsides and downsides to
everything. Now you might be thinking what could be the possible upside to my
parents divorce? Well that's a pretty darn good question. Let's go there for a
minute. What could be the possible upsides to your parents divorce? It's a
darn good question. Just make sure it doesn't turn into a
statement disguised as a question. Where you're like, what could be good about
this? That's not a question. No ask it is question. What could be good about all of
this and if you ask your mind to go there you're probably going to find some
things. Trust that your parents love you. Trust that they are doing the best they
know how to do with what they have. Trust that this decision for them in their
mind, whether you agree with them or not, in their mind makes things better not
worse. Can you invite your mind to go there? Now this might be a mental
exercise. It might be kind of like calisthenics for your brain. But just
invite yourself to go there and to ask that question, what could be good about
this? What could be the upside? And I've talked to a lot of people about this.
Sometimes it reduces the conflict in the greater family organization. Oh well that
could be an upside, couldn't it? Maybe there's less fighting and bickering.
Maybe there's more opportunities for somebody to do something. I don't know.
Whatever it is. You find it. Ask the question and look for it. Don't slip into
negativity. You know I promised you that I'd give you four do's as well. So let's
go there next. Do remember that your primary job, the main thing that you need
to do right now in your family is to love of your parents. No matter what
and even if. Remember that is your job now. That's going to come as a relief to
some of you, okay because you thought that your job was to fix this or you
thought that your job was to make sure that they whatever. No your job as a
child in this family whether you're a teenager, a young adult whatever age you
are, your job is simply to love them. Love them. Can you do that? That feels like
Wsuch a relief, doesn't it? when we realize, "okay that's my primary job. I can do that."
The second do - do focus on what's right not who's right. Focus on what's right not who's
right. So I don't want you to get stuck in that big conflict about who's right.
You know what, they're both awesome people. They're both your parents. Your
job is to love them. It's not your job to figure out who's right but do focus on
what's right and this gets back to principle okay? Because if you get pulled
off of principle and doing the right thing for you, then you're out of
integrity. Don't get into a place where you're arguing, they're bickering or
choosing hate. That's going to hurt you and it's not going to help the other people
that you're associated with. So focus on what's right not who's right. Here's your
third. Do take good care of yourself. You know this might go without saying but
sometimes when there's a disruption in a family, it's a little harder sometimes
to meet some of your own needs. Now if you're an adult, that's a little easier.
If you're a teenager, it's a little more challenging. If you're a child, you don't
have a lot of control but do what you Scan to take care of you. so make sure
that you're eating right and that you're exercising regularly and that you're
getting some good sleep that you're taking regular times to pray or meditate
or focus or get your mind cleared of all the noise that
happening. This will help you to stay psychologically healthy and will put you
in the best position for you to do the other things that we're talking about
here on this video. Do take good care of yourself. Here's the fourth one. It's
kind of surprised you. Stay positive. Stay positive. This also helps you to be the
best support for your parents, for your siblings, for everyone who knows and
loves your family. You stay positive and it's hard when difficult things happen, I
know. Review some of the videos on the channel that will help you to do that
and to see practical ways that you can practice that. Stay positive that puts
you in the very best position to help those that you love. You know what we all
have experiences and a lot of those are actually in common. So it's a good thing
for us to share information as we find it. Will you please share this episode
with someone that you love?
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