I like video games, I
really do.
But I’m not sure those feelings are reciprocal anymore, ‘cause video games are trying to
change that.
They want me to not like them.
And they’re doing more and more to make that happen everyday.
Microtransactions, DLC, it’s like they’re not into me anymore, but they don’t want
to dump me, so they’re deliberately being shitty.
They’re trying to get me to make the first move.
That being out the door.
But here’s the thing video games don’t realize.
I’ve been dealing with their crap for years, and I’m still here.
We’re still together.
And hey, is it purely out of spite?
Yeah, you might have a point there.
But my point…is when you’ve already played the X-Pert card…
I’ve seen pretty much the worst of your deck.
Now shut up, put on your coat and let’s go get dinner.
Video games.
X-Perts was released in 1996.
Now, if you weren’t around back then, what you need to know is that…around that time,
video games really started to change.
They started to look different, they started to play different…they started to be different.
All of the sudden, 2D games and graphics had become passé.
And it’s not like today, where you have 2D and 3D coexisting.
Back then, not the case.
It was like the aliens in Independence Day.
No peace.
Video games were gonna grow up and be 3D, and that’s that.
So you had 2D games basically cutting their hair, getting a job and becoming miserable
9-to-5’ers that hate their lives and drink too much.
And that’s what X-Perts is.
Only I’m surprised it ever had a job.
So I guess you could call this a side-scrolling beat ‘em up, but that’s kind of misleading.
Are there enemies to beat up?
Yeah, like, two.
And you only beat them up some of the time, in this game.
You spend a lot more of your time in X-Perts walking around, playing with computers, trying
to figure out what in the holy f*ck you’re supposed to be doing…
And you think DLC’s gonna get rid of me, video games?
After X-Perts?
Ha!
You’re gonna need DLC silicon tetrachloride, sweetheart.
Hey, speaking of silicon…two of the characters have what I assume are implants.
It’s also a game that’s obsessed with graphics, which is another thing that started
to happen in the early and mid nineties.
That’s when you started to hear people say things like, “Oh, check out the graphics!”
We all got boners over how games look, forgetting about what’s inside.
Which was fortunate for video games, because if you considered what’s inside of a game
like this, you’d say something different.
Something like, “We need to talk.”
Anyway, X-Perts does the whole pre-rendered 3D thing.
Like Donkey Kong Country, only without the color and style and charm.
Is it technically impressive?
I mean, I guess, but who cares?
When you have a plane crash, no one says, “Well, it’s technically impressive that
a machine can even fly at all.”
Uh, no.
It’s a plane crash, dick.
And so is X-Perts.
I mean, I’d tell you about the story, if I had any f*cking clue what it is.
Apparently, Shadow from Eternal Champions decided she wanted to be in a 2D beat ‘em
up, and since girls with implants can do pretty much whatever they want, she got her wish.
She shows up in the Technodrome with two other people…and they proceed to party like it’s
1999.
She walks like an Egyptian.
He stands around and jerks off.
And all the while, you’re supposed to be…doing something, trying to save the place from terrorists?
I don’t know, X-Perts isn’t clear about anything.
Other than its desire to party.
So if those animations look clunky and…stiff…oh, imagine how it plays!
‘Cause in this case, looks not only can be deceiving, they are deceiving, this game
plays even worse than it looks.
And the game design is just so empty, it’s like…it really is like someone said, “Well,
let’s do a game like Donkey Kong.”
Even though they didn’t have any actual game ideas.
So you get this.
You kick some people in the face, you hack every computer you see, ‘cause you don’t
know what you’re actually supposed do… you walk around like an idiot.
Look at that guy.
He walks around like an idiot.
Now, I guess the gimmick is…all three of the characters are in this place, and you
can switch between them any time.
Kind of work them all simultaneously.
Which sounds cool, but X-Perts botches the entire concept.
It’s hard to tell where the other characters are, it’s impossible to keep track of what
they’re all doing…it’s just a total mess of a video game.
And what are they X-Perts of?
Is that just a lie?
You know, it’s people like this.
This is why we have a Better Business Bureau.
We’ve all played a video game that emphasized style over substance.
This is just a classic example of that, from a period when a lot of games were doing it.
Oh, fancy 3D graphics on my SEGA Genesis?
Yeah, that’s just magical.
Doesn’t matter that the gameplay sucks, the design
is embarrassing and the game sounds like a dying whale…oh, it looks 3D.
So does poop, incidentally.
Thanks to our pal Gary from Ridgewood, New Jersey, for sending us X-Perts for the SEGA
Genesis.
It’s like a trip down memory lane…filled with land mines.
And pornography.