Mario is a hero, right?
Savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, beloved by millions.
Who doesn't crack a smile when they see this?
"It's a-me, Mario!"
Don't be fooled.
Underneath that red hat and bushy moustache lies an absolute monster.
Okay, maybe not an absolute monster.
But Mario's got a few drybones in his closet when it comes to being kind of a videogame
creep.
In fact, Mario's penchant for cruelty has been right in front of our faces for decades,
and it's time we called it out, for all to see.
Super Mario Odyssey, Mario's next big opportunity to redeem himself, will be out in winter 2017.
Let's review why Mario has been a menace for over 35 years.
Animal cruelty
Donkey Kong's reign of terror against Mario isn't just the big ape giving in to his animal
nature.
Sometime before the events of the original Donkey Kong, Mario ran a circus, and his pet
Kong was the main attraction.
In the Game & Watch title Donkey Kong Circus, players control a captive Donkey Kong while
a menacing Mario watches.
Kong is forced to roll left and right on a barrel, juggling pineapples while also avoiding
fireballs.
Just look at Donkey Kong's face.
Every moment of this is pure torture.
Sooner or later the player — and therefore Kong — is going to mess up, and that's when
Mario's cruelty is on full display.
When Kong drops a pineapple or gets scorched by a fireball, Mario heartlessly points and
laughs.
This is animal cruelty, plain and simple.
No wonder Donkey Kong wanted revenge.
Cruel and unusual punishment
Speaking of that revenge … after Mario saves Pauline from Donkey Kong's clutches, he locks
his nemesis in a cage and takes him prisoner.
That's understandable, considering the big guy just kidnapped his girlfriend.
But when Kong's son tries to save him, Mario goes...well...full-on supervillain to try
and kill a baby ape.
In Donkey Kong Jr., Mario sends vicious bear traps, killer birds, and living electric sparks
on a mission to maim and murder the young gorilla … while his horrified father watches
from his cage.
That's why it's so satisfying to see Papa Kong kick Mario square in the face in the
game's final cutscene.
Pow!
Right in the moustache.
Brick buster
You've seen Mario shatter blocks, right?
Aside from jumping, it's pretty much his signature move.
What if we told you every time that Mario breaks a block, he's actually taking a life?
It's true.
In the manual for the original Super Mario Bros., Nintendo explains that when the Koopa
invaded the Mushroom Kingdom and took Princess Peach hostage ...
"... the quiet, peace-loving Mushroom People were turned into mere stones, bricks" and
something called "field horse-hair" plants, which appears to be a mistranslation, since
Nintendo changed it to "mushrooms" when the game was re-released in Super Mario All Stars.
But the part about them getting turned into bricks?
That didn't change.
So every time Mario leaps into the air and punches a brick, he's killing one of the very
civilians he's set out to save … or consuming them in mushroom form to grow into "Super
Mario."
If there's a coin inside the block, it's even worse.
In those cases, not only is Mario murdering mushroom folk, he's robbing their corpses,
too.
Not a good look, Mario.
Mario the Lothario
For a short, fat guy with ill-advised facial hair, Mario really gets around.
After Donkey Kong, Mario ditched Pauline for Peach, and while she's been his main squeeze
ever since, Peach isn't the only princess in Mario's life.
In Super Mario Land, he enjoys a brief fling with Princess Daisy.
That's right: the woman who's portrayed as Luigi's boo in games like Mario Tennis, NES
Open Tournament, and Mario Kart actually made her big debut as Mario's side piece.
In Super Mario Land, after besting the evil Tatanga in a one-on-one dogfight, Mario and
Daisy hop into Mario's plane for a romantic cruise through the clouds.
In the end-game cinematic, Mario and Daisy embrace, and a single heart floats above their
heads.
Face it, folks.
Mario is a player...and a terrible brother.
Brotherly shove
If anyone has suffered at Mario's hands, it's his brother Luigi.
When there's a second player around, Luigi works just as hard as his older sibling, but
gets nowhere near the credit.
And when Luigi finally got to star in his own adventure for the first time?
It was a dreaded "edutainment" game — with Mario's name, not Luigi's, in the title.
What a slap in the face.
Even worse, in Super Mario Sunshine, Mario, Peach, and some Toads go on vacation, but
don't even invite Luigi.
So, when Luigi finally wins it all in Mario Power Tennis, the celebration is a long time
coming — until Mario ruins it.
First, Mario crashes the stage, Kanye-style, then he slaps Luigi on the back a few times...before
doing this:
What a sicko.
Watch your back, Mario.
Luigi is coming for you.
Dino-slaughter
Imagine, for a second, that you are Yoshi.
You and your family worked to return two lost babies to their parents, even though the little
ones are being chased by monsters and they make the most annoying sounds of all time.
Decades later, an evil turtle in a flying clown head takes over your homeland, captures
your friends, and locks them up in castle basements all over the world — and turns
you into an egg.
Later, a human saves you — and it happens to be the same little boy you rescued so many
years ago, all grown up and able to fend for himself!
Amazing!
You'd think, maybe, he'd treat you with a little respect, right?
Wrong.
Want proof?
Throughout the series, Mario jumps off of Yoshi's back while his dino pal is jumping,
letting him do a sort of mega jump.
That's good for Mario, but often works out pretty bad for Yoshi, given that the dino-sacrifice
usually happens while the pair are hovering over a bottomless pit or a pool of lava.
Don't let Mario off the hook by assuming Yoshi magically comes back to life, either.
As Yoshi's Island confirmed, there are many, many Yoshis out there, so that twisted creep
Mario is probably just offing them one by one until there are none left.
Mario's taste for mayhem is clearly insatiable.
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