Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette. In today's video, we'll be discussing the
misconceptions, half-truths, and flat-out lies
that many men are sold by modern society and how to
circumvent them on the road to self-improvement.
It should come as no surprise that in today's world, particularly in the US
but also internationally, we find ourselves in an increasingly
superficial society. The pervasiveness of advertising, the allure of celebrity, and
the nature of competition both economic and otherwise all
contribute to narrow definitions of success and indeed
narrow definitions of manhood; a good deal of this
also has to do with changing social dynamics on the topic of
gender and the idea of so-called toxic masculinity. These conversations can be
divisive to be sure and we will discuss them today but
that's not our only aim, we'd also like to dispel some other
societal myths and indeed lies about what it means to be a man and
how to move past them when navigating modern
society. We'll save the hot button issue of
masculinity for last but to get started today, let's tackle
this lie about manliness that a man must always be stoic and independent,
solving his problems alone. What's the truth of the matter
here? In short, having a support network is
nothing to be ashamed of. Far from it, in fact, this is true on
multiple fronts. Speaking socially, it's just important
for a man to have friends: human interaction and mental
health go hand in hand and while digital distractions
and public health crisis like the Covid19 pandemic that's occurring at the
time of this video's creation make it easier than ever to isolate
ourselves. Human interaction is vitally important.
We've produced a video on how to make friends as a man that goes into
this topic in greater detail which you can find
here: (How to Make Friends as an Adult: A Guide to Socializing & Meeting New People)
but even outside of the purely social sphere
having a support network in other settings will also set you up for an
environment of greater success. Specifically, in
Raphael's video about things he wishes he had known in his twenties
and my video about things I wish I had known in my teens,
we both extolled the virtues of creating a robust support network.
In simplest terms here, don't be afraid to ask for help
when solving a problem. This has two clear benefits:
first of all, you can leverage the expertise of the other person
and incorporate their skills into your own skill set for the future
and secondly, if you're courteous about it, this can hopefully blossom into a
relationship where the two of you can continue to
rely on each other in the future when problems arise. Shifting gears here,
let's next tackle an economic lie that a man's
intrinsic value must always be tied to his wealth.
Society seems to put forward the idea that the measure of
a man is tied to his bank account and his possessions. This is especially
pervasive in the U.S. which is a society that often confuses
who people are with just what they do. Indeed, one need
look no further for confirmation of this point than the fact that,
"So, what do you do for a living?" is a common conversation starter and
topic of small talk in the U.S. Personally,
we find that not only can this question be awkward
especially to non-Americans, but it can also be somewhat
shallow and limiting conversationally. If you're looking for something a bit more
substantive though, you can find our video on 53 great
conversation starters. The underlying truth to keep in
mind here then is that you shouldn't measure
your self-worth by your net worth but rather by the
content of your character. If you can make a positive impact on
those around you and be someone that others would
describe as enriching to their lives, then you're definitely on the right
track. Now, we're not saying that you shouldn't
work hard to support yourself and your dependents financially,
hard work is important, of course, we're just saying that you shouldn't get too
caught up in the rat race. This point leads nicely into a broader
socioeconomic lie that there is a natural progression into
which all lives should ideally fall. We're all likely
familiar with some variation of this progression: good
education, good job, romantic partner, marriage,
house, kids, vacation, retirement. To put it frankly, this lie is untrue for
two reasons: firstly, that the current economic
reality both in the U.S and elsewhere is that not everyone is
going to have the means to follow this progression and secondly,
it's untrue because not everyone is going to want to follow this progression
in the first place. The nature of what constitutes a
job continues to change; every day a man doesn't have to toil away through all of
his younger years just to save money for a retirement that
might not actually arrive in the classical sense
but furthermore, societal attitudes are also
evolving in regard to romantic relationships.
Not every man is going to desire a romantic partner
and/or children and that's okay, as we mentioned before
so long as you've got a healthy outlet for emotional connection,
it doesn't necessarily have to be in a romantic
mold. On the topic of emotional connection then,
let's start tackling some broader lies. First, we'll start with the notion that
men must resign themselves to being less emotionally literate than women.
Frankly, this one is just straight bunk the idea
that a man must always tamp down his emotions or indeed have
fewer emotions in the first place, is one of the
biggest contributing factors to that aforementioned idea of
toxic masculinity. To keep this one in the simplest terms possible,
it's okay to feel things and to express those feelings. Emotional literacy or the
ability to understand and communicate what you're
feeling will lead to more fruitful interpersonal
relationships. Often, men are conditioned to believe
that their emotions are simple things that they should only ever
feel happy, sad, angry, or neutral. This couldn't be
further from the truth. Behind these simplistic emotional
descriptors, there's an entire spectrum of motivating
factors; why are you happy about something, why
might you be angry in a given situation. Whenever you're feeling a certain
emotion especially strongly, try to take a step back and ask
yourself the simple question of why. Then, the crucial next step:
talk to someone about what you're feeling. Having a
sounding board to work through and interpret your emotions
will make you that much more able to get past them if they're troubling you
or just to have a better sense of your emotional makeup
overall. Alright, with the emotional discussion
set up, let's now get into the slightly thornier
issue of the broader topic of masculinity.
In other words, let's talk about what it means to be a man
in the first place. We've got two big lies to cover here:
author and speaker Joe Ehrmann has hit the nail on the head with both of these
lies so we've paraphrased him here. The first
big lie is the one that many boys are taught as early as grade school:
that their masculine worth and value has something to do with their
physical strength or athletic ability. Whoever is
strongest, fastest, or most physically resilient
is the most prized and praised and thus, these ideas get wrapped up in a boy's
conception of his own self-worth. Now, physical fitness for its
own sake definitely isn't a bad thing and you
should always strive to feel personally healthy but do rest assured
that you don't have to be a chiseled Adonis to be a man. For a
personal example here, I'm certainly not a peak physical
specimen as many of our commenters haven't been
shy to point out but I've made peace with the fact that
due to a physical disability that I've had since
birth, I'm just never going to be a star athlete. Could I put forward an effort to
bulk up a bit and place a greater emphasis on
my physical fitness? Certainly, I could and indeed I'd like to
as a general future goal but crucially, to keep in mind here, I
don't feel like less of a man because I can't bench
press a certain weight. I'm comfortable in my own body. A related
point here that shouldn't be glossed over -
physical fitness isn't the only trait that's prized and
tied to success in this way. Fortune is another one
as we've already discussed in addition to fame,
intellect, and power, more generally. the overall takeaway here is that you don't
need to feel like you've got to be the best at something; strive for
personal mastery and let your talents serve
others as well as yourself. The second big myth here
comes just a bit later in most boys development than the one we just
discussed, and as you might expect it has to do
with sex; young developing boys often receive the
message from society broadly that being a man means seducing
or objectifying girls in order to validate
their own masculinity or self-worth. This not only
damages boys but also, of course, creates a culture of
violence towards women. For a more in-depth look at our thoughts
surrounding the general discourse on sexual harassment and gender
relations, you can take a look at this video that
we produced in response to the infamous better men ad from Gillette
of a few years back (The Gillette Ad and the Modern Gentleman) but in simplest terms here,
people, no matter their gender, are people and they deserve to be treated with
respect so be mindful of both physical and
emotional boundaries and strive to be a man that is looked to
by everyone as a trusted source of support
and comfort. This, in fact, is just as true a definition of strength as anything
physical. Much of what we've discussed here today
is tied up in the broader conversation of what it means to
be a gentleman in the 21st century. We've produced an
entire video speaking directly to this question but
here are our principal conclusions on that
point: firstly, a gentleman recognizes that he is
imperfect but at the same time, he maintains high
standards and has a drive for continual lifelong
self-improvement. He is well-mannered, respectful and courteous, and
acknowledges everyone's personal dignity. He is well
informed but also open-minded, willing to consider the
perspectives of others alongside his own learnings. He
recognizes the differences between aggressiveness and assertiveness,
confidence and arrogance, and commands respect without being a
jerk, and of course, a gentleman is well
dressed but again, as a matter of personal improvement rather than as a
flashy display of wealth, remember that money, position and status
can't buy you class or respect. We firmly believe that any man
and really any person can be a gentleman if they choose to be, but this isn't a
choice to be taken lightly; it's all about the journey, not the
destination. In fact, the highest achievement is to be
recognized as a gentleman by those around you since ultimately, it
is an honor that can only really be conferred
by other people on to someone. So, if you can
see through the misinformation and tune out the noise
of some of the lies that we've discussed today and
strive for these greater ideals, you're likely going to feel more secure
as both a man and a gentleman. In today's video,
I'm wearing a fairly casual outfit. Something that would be good for an
informal get-together or a conversation between
friends. As I've tried to structure this video
here today, I'm working within a simple color palette of
blue and brown, my polo shirt is navy blue and it has a slight
ribbed texture in its weave and also features
contrasting buttons with a brownish hue. My trousers are in a plain brown shade,
my belt is in dark brown with a silver buckle,
and my shoes are also dark chocolate brown.
They're suede penny loafers from Meermin and completing the simple outfit today
are some socks from Fort Belvedere they're also in navy blue,
and they feature a subtle clock pattern in a lighter blue and white
to give a bit of visual interest. You can find these socks as well as several
other models and designs in the Fort Belvedere shop,
along with a wide array of other men's accessories
including boutonnieres, pocket squares, collar clips, and
much more.