How do you tame a bajillion gods?
Today on Mythology for Slackers at Work, I bring you the story of how the first Japanese
people came to be.
That’s right, the Japanese have an origin story, according to Shinto mythology.
Our story starts off with gods who had excessive libidos.
The powerful god Susanoo and his son-in-law Okuninushi had a lot of children, and their
children had children, and pretty soon the earth was full of gods floating about, getting
into fights and borrowing pens without returning them.
The heavenly gods, who were separate from the earthly gods below, looked down and thought
things were getting out of hand.
There were too many earthly gods running around causing trouble, being annoying.
Sure, some important deities were born, like the God of the Hearth, but by the time they
got to the God of the Sandals, people were like c’mon.
Not only that, Okuninushi decided to claim ownership of the earth.
Thems were fighting words because the earth, the land, was supposed to belong to the number
one diva herself, the Lady of Light, the Sun Goddess Amaterasu.
Amaterasu sent one of her sons down to tame the earthly gods, restore order, and get her
earth back.
He took one look down at the chaos, gods flying everywhere, lighting up the night sky, stealing
pens, and got scared and ran back to Mommy.
So Mommy met with the other heavenly gods and decided to send another son, who wasn’t
a little bitch.
After 3 years though, the hero didn’t return.
Turned out, the brave son had less cowardice in him, but a lot more betrayal.
The hero had immediately sought out Okuninushi, the self-proclaimed master of the land, and
switched to his side.
Damn.
Both her sons had failed, but being an Asian parent, Amaterasu was okay.
She was used to disappointment.
Second attempt.
Amaterasu sent down a second hero, a god named Ame-no-wakahiko.
This time she armed him with a magical bow and arrows.
But they waited and waited and he didn’t return either.
What was going on?
After 8 years, the Sun Goddess sent down a pheasant to find him.
The pheasant flew down from heaven...
and an arrow pierced right through its heart, killing it.
It was a magical arrow and it continued all the way up to the heavens.
It landed right next to Amaterasu while she was talking to some other gods.
One of the others, Takamimusubi, recognized it as one of the magical arrows that Ame-no-wakahiko
took with him on his mission.
Immediately suspicious, Takamimusubi said, “If he is a traitor, let this arrow strike
him dead!”
Then threw the arrow down.
Of course, the arrow did strike him dead.
What happened was, when Ame-no-wakahiko went down to earth, he fell in love with a daughter
of Okuninushi, the master of the land.
He married her and stayed on earth.
It was probably more fun on earth anyways.
He had shot the pheasant, and now his day was unpleasant.
Third attempt.
Third time’s a charm, said no one in ancient Japan.
This time, Amaterasu wasn’t playing around.
Don’t send a boy to do the job of a warrior god.
She sent down an impressive warrior god: Takemikazuchi.
This time.
This time, they would succeed.
The new hero found Okuninushi, the master of the land, and demanded he give back the
earth to Amaterasu and her descendants.
To convince his opponent, Takemikazuchi did a thing.
He stuck his sword to the ground, with its blade pointing straight up.
Then he casually sat on top of the tip.
They didn’t call him Iron Sphincter for nothing.
He asked Okuninushi, “Will you give back the land?”
A little rattled at the fearsome display, Okuninushi said, “I need to ask my son’s
opinion when he comes home.”
When his son got home and saw the warrior god’s stunning sword-sitting, he immediately
gave up, cast a spell to make himself invisible, and forever became an invisible god.
Takemikazuchi asked again, “Will you give back the land?”
Okuninushi, still in awe of the warrior god’s anal strength, said, “I need to ask my other
son when he comes home.”
Surprisingly, when the second son came home, he was not impressed.
He twirled a huge boulder on his fingertips as a show of strength.
He said, “You’ve inserted yourself deep into our domain, but I will expel you posthaste.”
He tried to wrestle the warrior god to the ground by grabbing Takemikazuchi’s arm.
Takemikazuchi didn’t even flinch, he turned his arm into ice, causing the son to let go.
The son then grabbed the other arm, but Takemikazuchi turned it into the blade of a sword, again
forcing the son to let go.
He then grabbed the little twerp’s arm and crushed it.
He chased the son to Lake Suwa and was about to kill him when the son gave up right there.
He promised to stay right at Lake Suwa and never bother Takemikazuchi again.
They say the shrine of Suwa sits on that spot to this day.
The wrestling match between the two is actually the mythical origin of sumo wrestling.
Takemikazuchi went back to Okuninushi and asked, “Will you give back the land?”
This time Okuninushi finally said “Yes, Anal Hulk.”
He would give back the land and make sure the chaotic earthly gods would not cause trouble.
But he had a request, that the heavenly gods build him a huge home in Izumo so tall that
it would touch the heavens above.
This way, he would be able to enter and leave heaven as he pleased.
And so the heavenly gods built him the famous shrine of Izumo Taisha.
It still stands today as one of the most important Shinto shrines.
With the earth back in her pocket, the Sun Goddess Amaterasu sent down her grandson Ninigi
to rule over it, because her family always made her so proud.
She gave him three items:
a magatama jewel (which was part of her magical fight with her brother Susanoo),
a mirror (which made her leave her cave and return light to the world),
and the sword Kusanagi (which her brother Susanoo plucked from the tail of an
eight-headed eight-tailed snake).
These became the three items of Japan’s Imperial Regalia.
They remain to this day the symbols of the Japanese emperor.
They still exist today, supposedly, and are presented to the new emperor each time a new
emperor ascends the throne, but only he and a few priests are allowed to see them.
Not suspect at all.
Just saying, if I found epic loot, I’d wanna show it off.
Amaterasu also sent a group of gods down to earth with her grandson Ninigi.
Their descendants became the Yamato clan, ancestors of the Japanese people.
And Ninigi’s great-grandson was Emperor Jimmu, Japan’s mythical first emperor.
Alright, time for today’s quiz question: What was the name of the legendary Emishi
warrior that defeated a Japanese army 50 times bigger than his?
After 24 hours, I’ll randomly pick a winner from among the correct answers.
Winner gets to pick one of these.
Last week’s winner was IamMe!
Good luck!
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Alright much love guys, and spread the knowledge!