(upbeat bossa nova music) (checkout beeping)
- Costco is the place to be when you're bored
of scrolling through TikTok,
but still wanna see a bunch of random meaningless crap.
- What I love most about my Costco membership is
that it's valid at locations all across the world.
Of course, I've never been outside
of the tri-state area, but if I ever did
I could hit up Costco
and it'll be like I never left.
- I always feel so guilty in this store.
There's no way that this coffin size container
of cat litter is biodegradable.
Shopping here just can't be good for the environment.
It is however, very good for my seven cats.
- At Costco, I do my workout
and grocery run at the same time.
Hey ladies, how's it going?
Oh yeah, that's right, 13
and a half pounds.
All right, let's see if I can log in a couple miles here.
Ooh. Yeah, that's good.
Oh yeah, I'll be done in a minute. I'll get outta your way.
Ugh. Ooh, ooh.
Oh, hey dude, you want some of this?
Yeah, here you go.
- Oh, no, your boy did it again.
I came in here just to get some 2% milk
and I spent literally a thousand dollars.
Oh well, hope I can squeeze these foosball tables
into my Prius.
- Aw man, the Kirkland Signature Energy Shots
that I want are all the way up there on that shelf
20 feet in the air.
Looks like I'm gonna have to climb this thing.
- Thank you very much. What is this again?
Oh, it's baby food, chicken
and peanut butter flavor.
That's disgusting, but you know what?
I make my lunch off of these free samples.
It's a way of getting the most out of my membership.
So, I'll take it.
Beggars can't be choosers, you know?
- This place is a scam.
I mean you gotta pay just to shop here
and then I gotta pay again, when I check out,
that's like buying a video game
but then getting charged for bonus features
that actually make the game playable.
At least games let me customize my outfit.
Costco just has weatherproof socks.
Actually, those socks look kind of nice.
- Yeah. I'm kind of a regular at this Costco.
I know all the employees.
Hey, when you check out, go to register 12.
My boy Timmy is there. Tell him I sent you.
He'll take care of you.
- I'd like to return this pillow.
I've been sleeping on it for a while,
about eight years now,
but something about it just never felt right,
and before you ask, yes,
of course, I have the receipt right here.
- My problem is, I just want touch everything here,
and I mean, that's fine when it's like,
the giant teddy bear display, or the pajamas,
but last week I got into big trouble
for trying to put my fingers into the deli display.
They really did not appreciate my fingers in their meat.
- The Executive membership, oh please.
I've got the Top Secret Platinum Elite VIP membership,
which basically means I get first dibs on toilet paper.
If there's another pandemic, your boy will be set.
- You know, I'm not sure why I ever come to this place.
Every day is like Black Friday here.
Everywhere I look there's this dog-eat-dog mentality.
And worst of all, there's no music.
Which means there's no buffer between me
and my downward spiral.
- Hold up, last week that 75" TV used to be 499.99,
but today it says it's marked down a whole hundred dollars
from its previous price of 599.99.
Well now, I gots to have it. That's like money in the bank.
- Costco's the only place I can do all
of my grocery shopping for the year in one day.
I've got enough rice in my cart right now,
that I could open up my own Indian restaurant.
Also, you can buy black t-shirts here by the hundreds.
- Hey there, so, I got this bamboo tree a couple months ago
and I was wondering, why is it not growing?
Why is water going all over the floor
every time I water it?
And then I realized, it is in fact, a fake bamboo tree.
So, could you please process a return so that I may move
beyond this embarrassing period of my life?
(upbeat hip hop music) - Oh wow.
I've made a lot of "16 Personalities" comedy sketches
on this channel.
You don't believe me?
Well, why don't you watch some more?
Watch this one here. You'll love it.
Binge the whole playlist right here.
It'll take you several hours.
I appreciate your time commitment.
If you've got an idea for a "16 Personality" sketch
let me know when the comments.
See you next week.
Until then, stay cool
and attractive.