♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ] -Let's get to the news.
President Biden today spoke with
allies and partners about the situation in Ukraine.
Next he'll speak with Republicans.
[ Laughter ]
After the U.S. offered over the weekend to evacuate
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy -- excuse me --
amid the Russian invasion, Zelenskyy reportedly said,
"The fight is here. I need ammunition, not a ride."
Oh, man, how badly does Biden wish that quote was his?
[ Laughter ]
It's like Zelenskyy said, "Come with me if you want to live."
[ Laughter ]
If Zelenskyy gets to fight on top of a train,
he's officially living Biden's best life.
[ Laughter ]
"I'm the Amtrak guy!"
[ Laughter ]
During his keynote speech on Saturday at CPAC,
former President Trump said that the country has
"lost its self-confidence under President Biden."
Well, of course.
We all had more self-confidence under you.
Do you know how affirming it is
to be smarter than the president?
[ Laughter ]
Waking up every day with a jump in my step.
[ Laughter ]
In his soon-to-be-released book,
former President Trump's Attorney General William Barr
said, "Trump cared only about one thing -- himself.
Country and principle took second place."
I don't know, dude. Second?
[ Laughter ]
I think country took fifth place
and principle broke its leg and had to be shot.
[ Laughter ]
"We can't save principle."
In the same book, Barr criticized Trump and said,
"People are worthwhile to Trump
only as a means to his ends, as utensils."
Said Trump, "That's a lie.
I've never used a utensil in my life."
[ Laughter ]
Ahead of tomorrow's State of the Union address,
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is lifting the chamber's
mask mandate, which is concerning to many House members
who still need them for attention.
[ Laughter ]
A Ukrainian brewery has reportedly switched
from producing craft beers to making Molotov cocktails
to help fight the Russian military.
Though, if you really want to slow down the Russians,
just give them the craft beer.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, I felt like I ate a loaf of bread."
[ Laughter ]
"Pumpernickel?"
[ Laughter ]
Lawmakers in Florida last week passed the so-called
"don't say gay" bill, which prohibits classroom discussions
about sexual orientation or gender identity.
Pretty soon, a Florida school day
is just going to be seven hours of quiet time.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
Nothing more ironic than when the "quiet time" punch line
gets the quietest response. [ Laughter ]
Maybe they were honoring it.
[ Laughter ]
New York Mayor Eric Adams announced yesterday that
beginning next week, the city will no longer
require vaccine passports at restaurants,
which is great news for all the restaurants who already stopped
checking them three weeks ago.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a dog house that was struck by a meteorite
sold last week for $44,000.
Even crazier, it sold on Zillow.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
President Biden tonight delivered his first
State of the Union address,
and thank God he got that Supreme Court justice in,
'cause there was not much else to talk about.
[ As Biden ] Uh, I think there's a new "Batman" movie this week.
[ Laughter ]
The New York Times published a report yesterday
that U.S. officials are currently debating
Russian President Vladimir Putin's grip on reality.
In related news, Putin just ordered troops into Hogwarts.
[ Laughter ]
When asked by a reporter
at a Black History Month event yesterday
if Americans should be worried about nuclear war,
President Biden said no.
Yeah, come on.
Putin isn't gonna bomb
the only people still supporting him.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, President Biden was asked if Americans
should be worried about nuclear war, and he said no.
But then the CDC said yes, and the FDA said,
"We'll let you know in four to six weeks,"
so I don't know what's gonna happen.
Officials in Ukraine last week asked Apple CEO Tim Cook
to ban Russia from using the company's products and services
in response to their attack on Ukraine.
Well, if being the only country
whose messages in the group chat are green
doesn't force Russia to surrender,
I don't know what will.
[ Russian accent ] This is embarrassment.
We are only green.
No one even read these texts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] The Senate last night failed
to pass the Women's Health Protection Act,
and West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin voted with Republicans.
Okay, how many times does someone have to vote
with Republicans before you consider him a Republican?
It's kind of like saying Keith Richards played
with the Rolling Stones again.
Yeah, 'cause he's a Rolling Stone.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters yesterday
that Congress will support "whatever it is"
the Ukraine needs amid Russia's invasion of the country.
Well, unless it's universal healthcare,
in which case there's all -- there's a copay, it's a mess.
New Orleans held its first
full-scale Mardi Gras celebration today
since 2020, when the coronavirus pandemic hit,
but required masks in indoor public spaces.
Still, men were throwing beads
and yelling, "Show us your chin!"
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Pig Day.
[ Cheering and applause ] "When isn't it?" asked an --
What is wrong with you?
[ Laughter ] Why are you cheering for it
like you even knew it was a thing?
I don't understand that reaction.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
If you cared so much, why didn't you know?
[ Light laughter ]
I'm gonna tell the joke now, alright?
[ Chuckles ]
I told you there should be a National Pig Day!
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Pig Day.
"When isn't it?" asked an exhausted Charlotte.
[ Laughter ]
"This friendship is starting to feel very one-sided."
It lost its momentum a little bit
when everybody lost their [bleep] minds
about National Pig Day.
[ Laughter ]
You know what else?
I bet someone here had bacon this morning.
[ Laughter ]
On National Pig Day.
[ Chuckles ] You monsters.
In honor of St. Patrick's Day, Dunkin' Donuts
is offering a shamrock macchiato.
In a related story, Italy has declared war on Ireland.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Dunkin' Donuts is offering
a shamrock macchiato,
which is green and features Irish cream flavor.
So, look for that on a sidewalk near you.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden last night delivered
his first State of the Union address
and Chuck Schumer could not figure out when to clap.
[ Booing ] [ Cheering and applause ]
[ Laughter ] -The American Rescue Plan
helped working people.
-It's like every white guy at a hip hop show.
[ Laughter ] "You're clapping
on the ones and threes, Richard!"
[ Laughter ]
During President Biden's
State of the Union address last night,
several members of Congress wore blue and yellow
in solidarity with Ukraine,
though I'm not sure everybody understood the assignment.
[ Laughter ]
During last night's speech,
Republican Congresswomen Marjorie Taylor Greene
and Lauren Boebert heckled and booed President Biden
on several occasions.
In their defense, he is, technically,
the manager.
[ Hesitant laughter ]
And that, technically, was a joke.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Technically.
[ Laughter ] During President Biden's
State of the Union address last night,
he accidentally said "Iranian," instead of "Ukrainian."
[ Laughter ] Well,
in a speech where he had to pronounce Volodymyr Zelenskyy
and Ketanji Brown Jackson, something had to give.
[ Laughter and applause ]
According to a new poll, 71% of Americans
who watched President Biden's State of the Union address
had a positive reaction to the speech,
but let's be honest -- everyone who would've had
a negative reaction was watching "Yellowstone."
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey,
New York has the highest median rent price
for a one-bedroom apartment in the country.
Well, yeah, but it's all about location, location...
[ Train screeching, rumbling ]
[ Laughter ]
...location.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, Major League Baseball
announced yesterday that they are
postponing their March 31st Opening Day
and canceling the first two series
of regular season baseball,
after the league could not reach a bargaining agreement
with its players' union, which is bad news for the Mets
because the regular season is the only one they got.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
Defense officials in Ukraine have warned that the Kremlin
could be using deepfake videos
to spread misinformation to Russians.
Okay. I knew Putin didn't have an Iron Man suit.
[ Laughter ]
The House committee investigating the Capitol attack
suggested in a court filing yesterday that it has evidence
that former President Trump and his campaign tried to illegally
obstruct Congress' counting of electoral votes.
Yeah, we know.
[ Laughter ]
Watching the House investigate this thing is like watching
"The Office" with your grandmother.
"I think there's a spark between Jim and that Pam."
"Yeah, Grandma, it's Season 6."
[ Laughter ]
A bipartisan group of Congressional lawmakers is
calling on President Biden to ban Russian oil and gas imports
amid the country's invasion of Ukraine.
The bill has support from both sides of the aisle
and the aisle. [ Laughter ]
Florida governor Ron DeSantis yesterday told several students
standing behind him at an indoor event that they did not need to
wear face masks and said, "Honestly, it's not doing
anything and we've got to stop with this COVID theater."
Although for people who moved from New York to Florida
during the pandemic, "That's the only theater they have left."
[ Laughter ]
"Can you believe what they call bagels down there?"
[ Laughter ]
I'm doing the Gilded Age New York.
[ Laughter ]
"You call this a subway?"
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Germany yesterday reportedly seized
a Russian billionaire's $600 million mega yacht.
Said the billionaire, "Oh, no, my backup yacht."
[ Laughter ]
Nike announced this week that it's temporarily closing
its online store in Russia.
Apparently, it was giving Putin some bad ideas.
[ Laughter ] [ Audience oohs ]
Luxury brand Bulgari said this week that its sales
have increased since the Ukrainian invasion
as wealthy Russians are buying jewelry amid a collapse
of Russia's currency.
On the plus side, it does make oligarchs easier to spot.
[ Laughter ]
A crown?
[ Laughter ]
IKEA has announced it will temporarily pause manufacturing
and retail operations in Russia and Belarus
due to the invasion of Ukraine, while IKEA in Ukraine is opening
their doors to Russian soldiers
and hoping they can't find their way out.
[ Laughter ]
Amazon confirmed yesterday that it plans to shut down
all of its physical bookstores.
They're getting back to doing what originally
made them successful --
putting physical bookstores out of business.
[ Laughter ]
A JetBlue pilot blew twice the legal limit on a breathalyzer
yesterday after being removed from the cockpit of a plane.
They were immediately suspicious since the flight was Delta.
[ Laughter ]
What are you doing in here?
"Oh, let's get this puppy in the air!
[ Laughter ] Where are we headed?!"
Tomorrow is National Sons Day.
Said dads, "What did I get you?
What did I get you?
How about a roof over your head, wiseguy?
What did I get you?"
[ Laughter ]
Really good dad.
And finally, New York Governor Kathy Hochul yesterday unveiled
plans to permanently allow bars and restaurants to offer
to-go alcoholic drinks.
So say hello to New York City's newest mascot,
Martini Rat.
[ Laughter and cheers ]
"Well, they certainly don't have that in Florida, do they?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, no, Slurpee Rat.
That's the best they can do there." [ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]