-Sometimes
you look at the news and you just, you know,
you can't believe the headlines.
For example, I read online recently
that Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins
was considering surrounding himself
with a Plexiglas barrier at all times,
instead of getting the vaccine.
Well, that got me to thinking.
I'm getting older
and sometimes I look around and...
I you don't even recognize the world I'm living in.
Things are changing every day, and not always for the better.
It's time to take a moment to talk about
how things were just a little bit more simple...
[ Laughter ]
...back in my day.
♪♪
[ Southern accent ] Back in my day,
Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins
wasn't making ignorant comments about vaccines, no, sir.
Back then, if you wanted to see
unvaccinated cousins making ignorant comments,
you had to log on to Facebook.
Back in my day, New York didn't have a lady governor, no, sir.
Back in my day, if a lady was
in the New York governor's office,
she was probably incredibly uncomfortable
and didn't want to be there.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we weren't worried
about the Delta variant.
Back in my day, if you were worried about a Delta,
it was one of those mean sorority girls
you went to college with.
During Rush Week, those rattlesnakes
would walk right up to you with a Sharpie
and circle what was wrong with your body.
-[ Barks ] -That's right, Rusty.
My penis. But how did they know?
-[ Barking ] -They never saw it!
I know that much.
Back in my day, Mayim Bialik wasn't hosting "Jeopardy!"
She was starring in "Blossom."
But she was asking just as many questions --
"Why did Mom leave?
Why won't Tony stop drinking?
Should I have sex with Vinnie?"
Girl, shut up!
-[ Barking ] [ Laughter ]
-[ Laughing ] You're right, Rusty.
Six is a terrible name for a child.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Batman's sidekick, Robin,
wasn't bisexual.
No, back then, the only time Robin swung both ways
was when he was doing a trapeze act
with his close-knit family of circus acrobats,
and they got it right almost
every single time.
[ Laughter ]
Batman's gain!
-[ Barks ] [ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, people weren't getting poisoned
from eating cow medicine, in an attempt to treat COVID-19.
Turd burgers!
Back in my day, people were getting poisoned
from eating Tide Pods.
Man, I sure could go
for a couple of those right about now.
-[ Barks ] -You actually have
had them before, Rusty.
I just always rolled them up in a piece of cheese, first.
[ Laughter ] -[ Grumbles ] -Oh, the things you've eaten
that I have rolled in cheese!
-[ Growling ]
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, we didn't need a vaccine
to eat in restaurants. Back in my day,
you'd just stampede up to the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday's
with a hundred other filthy animals
who hadn't washed their hands and scoop big, gloopy piles
of room-temp macaroni salad onto your plate
with a gross communal ladle.
And nobody ever caught COVID-19!
E. coli? Sure.
Botulism? Oh, yeah, we caught botulism.
[ Laughter ] Everybody loved Ruby Tuesday,
but you did not enjoy Ruby Wednesday.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Rudy Giuliani wasn't on Cameo.
He was on his cousin, 'cause she was his wife.
-[ Barks ] [ Laughter ]
-Well, apparently, it is legal, Rusty.
Fact is, it's probably the only legal thing he's ever done.
Back in my day, we weren't worried about climate change.
In fact, we really aren't worried too much about it now,
which is why the world's gonna end
in about, oh, I don't know, eight years?
Back in my day, we didn't have over 100° heat domes in Oregon.
Tilamook cheddar!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, if you were getting overheated in Oregon,
it was because you had travel dysentery
and you were about to die.
But no matter -- half your family
and oxen already died back in the river,
when you thought you could just, you know,
[indistinct] wagon and float across.
Worst vacation ever.
Best computer game, though.
Kids.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, there was no alcohol in Mountain Dew.
Or was there? I mean, who the hell
really knows what's in Mountain Dew?
I don't wanna know.
All I know is whatever's in it
is less poisonous than cow medicine.
Well, I'm sorry I had to do that,
[ Laughter ] but sometimes
this greased up [indistinct].
[ Laughter ]
Feels like we probably sent somebody out
to get the red kind, and they didn't have it.
[ Laughter ]
That would've been a more effective payoff.
This has been "Back in My Day."
-[ Barking ]