There's probably more but we're going to talk about
five things every parent of a teenager needs to know.
I'm a clinical psychologist, Vicky is an educator and a speech-language pathologist.
We've worked with a lot of teenagers in our time and there's one thing that's more important than
all the others. Stick with us to the end because that's when we're going to share that piece.
Let's dive in. -Probably one of the most important things
for me as a mom and maybe for you to remember also is that our teenagers are not our kids.
-Oh wait, hold on. -They're a whole different creature
and I remember you know, I've worked with a
lot of different parents different and you think, "My kid wouldn't do that", you're like
you're right. Your kid wouldn't but your teen just might. -Different stories. -Different
creature and remember they're not actual adults either. So they're neither they're your child,
the little one that you had all these memories in the cuddles and all the stuff nor are they
an adult. They're just a different creature right now and that's perfectly right and fine for them.
There's a little bit of nostalgia or grieving that comes along with this. Because
when you get a teenager you lost your child. If we lose our child to an accident or something we go
to a funeral and we have grieving periods. But every parent loses their child
to teenagerhood. I don't know if that's even a word. -Well, it is now. -But you
and I don't have any kids and we don't have any teenagers. Because all of our children became
adults and they're raising our grandkids which is a really cool gig. But your point is
well taken Vicky, they're not the same animal. So we get to do a little shift in our thinking
and I'm glad we started. -And really that's the important part. If you come to it with that
mindset then you're ready to maybe interact with him in a different way, which kind of leads into
our next point. -One of the things that's so challenging about parenting teenagers
is the variety. When we're raising infants it's fairly predictable. You got diapering,
you got feeding, you got all of the things that you need to take care of
and it's fairly consistent across kids in that age category. When we get to teenagers, there's
a whole spectrum of different concerns, and interests, and problems, and conflicts, that come
up depending on a couple of things and the number one thing is to understand maturity. Now, when
I say maturity, there's a lot of things that go into maturity and age is only one of those things.
-You know, because with teenagers we're talking oh they're maturing...
But we need to get really clear about what kind of maturity we're talking about
and how it plays with control. Because you're going to see your teenagers. I think one of the
hard part is that they are trying so hard to pull all the control on their side. Whether they have
the ability and the maturity to handle it. They want the control
and they are vying for it and you as a parent sometimes because you remember.
How it was when you were in charge of everything and how they just looked up to you as your hero?
You're kind of doing a little of this for the control yourself not sure you're ready
to give it up and so there's a real need to understand the maturity and the control and
get really clear about that in order to show up as the best parent for your teen.
-So let's dig into the maturity just a little bit to illustrate this. How mature is a 13-year-old?
Trick question. Because you might have a 13-year-old who is staying on top of their
schoolwork, doing their chores with a good attitude, treating their sister with respect.
-You might -Or you might have a 13-year-old. -That's sullen and angry and slams the
door all of the time. -Sneaking out at night and doing drugs and having sex.
-Now, there's a different level of maturity in that two 13-year-old. So it's about stage not age.
Really quickly, we go into this in extensive detail in our training, in our classes. But really
quickly if you understand that there are three stages. Stage one, selfish, immature, yelling
and screaming, not cooperating with anything. You get the picture, throwing tantrums. Stage two,
cooperating, negotiating, working with you. -Maybe still has an attitude. -Come
up with a win-win solution. Maybe some attitude but at least they'll cooperate.
Stage three, paying the bills, writing checks to philanthropy.
-Doing their chores without being told. -Without being told, offering to do yours for you.
So, and I overemphasize that a little bit just to make the point. But if
we've got these three stages. If your teen is on stage one we're going to
parent them much differently than if your teen is on stage two and I don't care if they're 13, 15,
18, or 23. They could be at any of those stages
of moral development so that is so important to understand. How much control you take as a parent
is determined by how much maturity your teen has. -And that's going to affect the type of parenting
that you show up with. Because you're going to change this parenting is it.
Your parenting is in for a big change as they go become teenagers and so you're
going to learn some of the ways to give and take as they're ready to receive or let go.
-You don't have to know all of this right now. We can
help you out with additional training or information. But just notice that control and
maturity is something that we get to deal with as we're parenting our teens. Hey, real quick,
this isn't easy but we've got your back. Hit that subscribe button, click the notification bell
and we'll be on your team ongoing. Now, let's get back to those points. One of the most powerful
things that I've found is I've worked with teens and Vicky you can think about your
experience and see if this matches. When they know that that you like them. -Yeah genuinely.
-Genuinely, you're not pretending. It's not superficial or phony but you genuinely like them
that changes something in the dynamic. Have you found that to be a powerful thing? -I have and it
not only changes in the child but it changes the way that I show up. The way the mom is showing up
and the interaction which changes the whole energy.
-Let's compare this to a sports car for a moment.
You climb into a sports car and you're you're gonna go fast. So, buckle up
and to parent teens, I would suggest that you buckle up. Because it's going to be a bit of
a ride. I don't know any parent of a teen who hasn't been met with some challenges and some
heartache and some frustrations. Buckle up it's gonna be a bit of a ride. In doing so, remember,
that it's a ride and choose to enjoy it. This is something a lot of parents don't really realize.
They can choose to enjoy their teenager that changes the game. So, one of the ways that you
can do this is by detaching from the outcomes. -That it can be so hard because sometimes
you know if we go into the mindset that you know, I'm supposed to... my child is a reflection of
my parenting. So we need to just really get to the point where we truly enjoy our child
and we become detached from the outcome. We trust that they're going to get where they need to go.
Have the experiences they're going to become the person that they are destined and are
choosing to become and we're going to enjoy them. -They're not going to take the same path you did
and that's disconcerting to parents and that's why detaching from the outcomes allows you to
take a position where you choose to enjoy your child. Because you're not
all emotionally tied into whatever they choose. -And when you're really
stuck on the outcome your child feels that. Because
they don't feel like they're interacting with you
in a very genuine way. They think all you care about is how I look to your friends or whatever,
whatever that is and so, being as genuine and truly getting to the point where you can like them
and be detached from the outcome helps you be the kind of parent that that child
needs at that moment. -Here's another little bonus because discipline becomes
a little more challenging as your kids get bigger and sometimes bigger than you.
So, the discipline becomes a challenge if you're too attached to the outcomes. If you're detached
from the outcomes what you can do is tie something that you totally control into the consequences,
and then you can detach from that and you're like really, either way, is okay with me.
-I'm going to respect your choice. -I respect your choice and then the consequences are what do the
teaching. This takes you out of the emotional loop of the discipline it can be all business
and it puts the weight back on their shoulders to be attached to the outcomes and that's what
we're trying to encourage them to do. In kind of a related way Vicky, I've noticed that teenagers
feel a huge emotional burden if their parents happiness is tied to their choices
and they get caught into a trap where they can never please their parents, they can never be good
enough. -Well, I think one of the hardest parts of teenage just going through a teenage time.
I don't even know teenage good is you kind of get the feeling or you have to work out,
you feel like everybody is making you feel this way or making you there, I'm making...
Because there's a lot of that among teenagers and so if we can not tie our mood,
and our outcome, and our happiness, or our displeasure to their outcomes. That you know
if we can be a little bit emotionally detached. So they can own their own emotions. We can model how
to own your own emotions. Because remember, they're still watching you,
you're still their parent and one of the best ways to parent teenagers
is to be an example of what you want to them to be. Because
how many times with our teenagers do we end up kind of mirroring their behavior, their attitude,
their whatever, and so suddenly we're not teaching anymore and we're just in a fight
with them. -We can't put the burden of our emotional well-being onto our teens.
So, the short version of this is you get to take care of you. You're the one who is
responsible for your emotions regardless of what's going on with your teenager.
This is easy to say it's not easy to d.
If your teen just got arrested for illegal behavior, how's your mood gonna be?
And that's maybe a good example. Because you don't get to control whether your teen is arrested for
illegal behavior or not. You get to control how you respond to that and there are ways that you
can use psychological tools and other brain hacks and tips and tricks to get you to a place where
no matter what happens with them you can take care of you. -You take ownership of how you're feeling
and then you show up to help your child navigate whatever they've created in their world by their
choices. -Which leads us to the final point that I think we need to make here and this is the one
that I told you is the most important one. I saved this till last because I want to really emphasize
this. What is your job with your teenager? Now think about that for a minute. When I ask
parents this in the office or in the trainings that we do, I get some pretty good answers.
Like, -Make sure they're responsible adults and citizens in the world. -That's my job as a parent.
I need to make sure that this person grows up to be a responsible contributing citizen.
Pretty good answer. To make sure that they
fulfill their potential. -Make sure they finish school. -Make sure that they do their chores.
Make sure they don't neglect their schoolwork or their other work. Good answers...
But those answers get us into trouble and if you had some of those answers welcome to the earth.
Well, that's kind of how we think as parents. I want to suggest a little shift. Your job as
a parent is to love them no matter what and even if. -Even when they really disappoint you?
-Oh you said, even when. Oh, it's not an if thing. So even
when they disappoint you "yes" and have they? Have they disappointed you? And do you still love them?
Oh good, that means you're doing your job as a parent. Even if they hate you.
-How about that's even when they hate you. -Or when they, I don't think they ever truly
hate you. I mean, if you're setting appropriate limits then your children will have experiences of
anger and rage as they respond to those limit settings. Even if they hate you, yeah.
Your job is still to love them. Even if they get arrested and hauled off to jail.
-And even if they make choices that remove them from your home you can still love them. -Right,
no matter what and even if. Try that on for just a minute because as you accept that as your job,
your main job as a parent look what happens. - I'm doing alright. -You're actually doing
your job and you can do your job regardless of what's going on with your teenager.
That is so important because it helps you to accomplish all of the other
suggestions that we've given you here today like detaching from the outcomes.
That is huge if you don't get anything else from this video. Please put that in
your notes somewhere, write it on your bathroom mirror, hang it as a little dangly in your car.
So that you can always see my job is to love them no matter what and even if. I know this
can sometimes feel overwhelming it doesn't have to be. This is a process not an event. We've got
a gift for you. Jump on over to the next video the one about positive parenting in a free web class.
We've got so many resources that are available that you can implement
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