you
well just look at it look at how huge
this beast is it's ginormous and why is
there a door on it is this a video game
console or a [ __ ] closet
even the AC adapter weighs a million
tons now seriously have you ever seen
one of these other than the atari 5200 I
haven't the AC adapter and TV actually
share the same wire then there's all
these numeric buttons like what the [ __ ]
is this is this thing a phone
Oh whole [ __ ] tiger game console in
1997 this was Tigers bladed answer to
the game boy you'd think it was called
the game.com but it's actually the game
calm you could even connect a dial-up
modem to it to access the internet text
only I don't believe it myself imagine
reading your email on this thing and
you'd have to hook it up to a modem so
you couldn't leave your house anyway why
not just use a computer I remember in
the early 90s seeing commercials for the
3do it was advertised as the most
advanced game system and it forced
itself right into your face like if you
don't get this thing you're gonna get
left in the dust
even went out of its way to insult Super
Nintendo and Sega Genesis saying that
those are just baby toys well everybody
I knew had those baby toys and nobody I
repeat nobody I have ever met owned a
3do probably because its price in the US
was $700 I mean [ __ ] but you better buy
it because this is the real gaming
console that was its slogan real because
it's a real piece of [ __ ] there were
many different models this right here is
the FZ one made by Panasonic it only has
one controller input Wow now that's what
you call an advanced system isn't it
instead of two controller inputs let's
just have one let's make it so you have
to plug the second controller into the
first controller and just daisy chain
them together are they [ __ ] thinking
it sucks
Oh God it sucks you plop it on the top
of the genesis like they're mating god I
mean do you think that's enough add-ons
it doesn't even look aesthetically
presentable I mean it's just like an
ugly tumor oh you got to love this no
end labels on the cartridges believe it
or not like the Sega CD it has its own
[ __ ] power adapter that's great I
mean now you got three and trying to
hook them all up at the same time as a
friggin nightmare here goes to Genesis
the Sega CD and [ __ ] what a load of
[ __ ] [ __ ] how did they [ __ ] this
up so bad I can't even turn it the other
way because it doesn't fit why can I
only plug in two power adapters why
can't these go sideways or better yet
why the hell do they have these box
things well I can't just be like this so
anyway let's fire this monster up and
play some primal rage oh please God tell
me what's going on
why can't I see the characters I'm
playing invisible primal rage all right
let's try Virtua Fighter what the [ __ ]
guess what we left something out there's
another cable which connects the Genesis
to the 32x isn't it enough that the damn
thing is inserted onto the top of the
Genesis why does it need another
connector look at this it's a [ __ ]
mess and what a perfect visual analogy
Sega invented the 32x to increase the
lifespan of the Genesis and that's
exactly what the friggin thing looks
like it's on life support
how could there exist a bad Zelda game
let alone three of them and on a console
that's not Nintendo look how huge it is
it looks like one of those old VCRs it
is the biggest video game console I've
ever seen but at first I thought the
controller input was broken I have four
different controllers and none of them
worked except for the wireless one which
sucks so bad isn't work
then I found out that there's another
input on the back so the one in the
front is either broken or intended for
the second player this means that every
time I want to swap a controller I have
to pull out the whole console
look at this mess a steering wheel a gun
what madman came up with this believe it
or not it actually uses cartridges have
you ever seen a cartridge like this
a silver triangle that snaps on to the
top of the console
yeah the [ __ ] jaguar CD there's
something about this that perplexes me
you have a game console that not many
people owned so you make an add-on that
requires owning the game console
besides the [ __ ] thing has its own AC
adapter so that's two one for the Jaguar
and one for the Jaguar CD and that's
some cool-looking design it looks just
like a toilet yeah it's a [ __ ] toilet
put a perfect analogy
and speaking of weird hookups the worst
of all is the RCA studio - technically
it's not a pong console because it uses
cartridges but when the hell am I ever
going to talk about this thing typically
any game system will use two wires one
for the AC adapter and one to plug into
the TV but then there's shitty consoles
like this that think they're being
cutting-edge by combining both the wires
into one in other words both the video
connector and AC adapter plug into the
same box which then plugs into the TV
again
forcing you to use a box and to unscrew
it every time you want to play a
different game system so technically
speaking the video signal is traveling
up this wire and then the electricity
coming from the wall socket is coming
back through the same wire I don't even
understand how that works
it doesn't even have any external
controllers two players would have to
huddle around and use the keypads man if
there was an RCA studio one I'd hate to
see it
why isn't there a headstrap let's think
about this
this must be one of the worst designs
for any invention in history it's
basically a pair of goggles on a stand
the 3d effects are hard to focus and
they strain your eyes there is even a
warning on the box that said it could
cause headaches and seizures that's
great right well that's it the Virtual
Boy was such a flop it died in less than
a year yeah now I didn't pick these
games this is all of them I just
reviewed every virtual boy game to be
released in North America that's right I
am holding the entire library of games
for this piece of [ __ ] in my one hand
so hey why not just follow whatever
Nintendo's doing that mentality is what
brought us when I think so far is the
worst video game console I have ever
played the our zone this is basically a
shitty version of the Virtual Boy yes I
said that as if the Virtual Boy isn't
already shitty enough just look at it
what planet did this thing come from
here's how it works you take the game
cartridge you slide it into the system
then the screen lights up then you strap
the thing on your head and that's one
thing I have to give it credit for is
that they actually thought to have a
head strap anyway the image gets
projected right here there's supposed to
be a piece of reflective plastic it's
missing but you can use almost anything
so you put it there and then it projects
the game right there and keep in mind
this is portable so you'd be going
around public like hey guys how you
doing I'm just playing a game here just
when you thought the most sorry pathetic
excuse for a video game was the tiger
risk games Oh No imagine playing one of
these up close to your eye in red and
black good lord you thought I was
kidding but it's true this actually
happened
unlike the Virtual Boy which causes eye
strain and headaches within minutes this
thing does it immediately having it over
one eye meant you had to go cross-eyed
to look at it or cover the other eye
by the way the game itself sucks just as
much as the other Tiger games thought
you could turn around yeah right I love
how the advertisements always show a kid
playing it look at his expression he's
horrified and in the commercial the kids
screaming in agony
you better not win Indy 500 roars into
the R zone