(cracking tones)
- Hi there, adults.
And hi there, kids, or child-like adults, I'm Roger.
And I'm here to sell you a sack of industrially
fragmented bread, or corn, or rice.
At Horton Mills, we put every one of our sacks
into a colorful thin box,
because you decided that makes it better,
even though it changes nothing.
I hope you'll choose my carb slabs
when you're in your grocery store's entire aisle
dedicated to carb slabs,
a food we've only all agreed is normal
for about 100 years.
You see, much like the classic American car,
breakfast cereal was invented in turn-of-the-century
Michigan by racists.
Those racists built communes called sanitariums,
where they pushed healthy eating habits
that they just sort of made up.
And their most popular scientific fan fiction
was that eating bland fiber piles every day
can save your body from the two worst things in the world,
being constipated and thinking a thought about sex.
That's how these wheat lumps got invented, for real.
And thanks to decades of successful PR,
millions of Americans start their day with a meal
of pro-BM anti-erection propaganda lumps.
Lumps which are part of a balanced breakfast.
Assuming you need enough calories to dead lift a car.
If you don't need that much, this is pretty much
a bowl of carbs, powdered vitamins, and cholesterol.
It's the number four source of added sugar in US foods,
behind soft drinks, desserts, and candies.
And its only clear health benefit is
that it might stop you from eating again till lunch.
It's up to you, we aren't thinking about that.
We're too busy thinking about child psychology.
Our kids/nostalgics product isn't just packed
with a couple cookies' worth of sugar per bowl.
We also load it with the colors, textures,
and mouth feel our team of eggheads considers
the most dependency forming.
Then we carpet bomb children's media with our ads,
focus grouped our mascot down to the last cardboard stamped
pixel, and printed thousands of these colorful printed
shapes in a foreign country.
Also, each of our boxed grain bags can contain a bribe
made from the liquid corpses of dinosaurs.
We even figured out our box's average position
on a store shelf and tabulated your child's average height
to triangulate the exact angle where this slobbering cartoon
mug's gaze will look your eight year-old right in the eye.
- That's good!
- Well, I wouldn't say it's good,
but it certainly is effective.
So obey your child's economically mandated wishes.
Leave your house and drive somewhere
to buy them a boxed bag of industrially fragmented
sugar bread, then drown it with a liquid
that leaks from a cow's breasts.
And get yourself a boxed bag, too,
because society says you literally can't
begin the day without it.
I'm Roger, by the way.
Ah, I loathe the smell of market research in the morning.
Oh, formerly popular cartoon character monster,
you have been replaced by a spaceship captain turtle.
- Goddammit.
Can I at least keep the lion suit?
- Oh, you're sentimental.
Or it for sex stuff?
- Yeah, for sex stuff.
- Wanna hang out later? (purrs)
(whistling)
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