[CHIMES] >>YES! MY CAREER PLACEMENT RESULTS SAY I AM GOING
TO BE A DOCTOR. I KNEW IT!
>>WELL THAT'S GREAT MALLORY. WHAT DOES IT SAY IN THE DESCRIPTION?
>>UM, IT SAYS, "86 PERCENT MATCH. "THAT I ENJOY HELPING "PEOPLE AND I HAVE
A STRONG INTEREST IN LEARNING."
[CHIMES] >>COOL, AFRICA SAFARI GUIDE. [CHIMES] >>DOLPHIN TRAINER!
AWESOME. [CHIMES] >>SEWAGE WORKER.
OH MAN. MY DAD WAS RIGHT.
>>NOW REMEMBER, THESE TESTS DON'T PREDICT THE FUTURE THEY
JUST REFLECT YOUR INTERESTS. >>YOU'RE INTERESTED IN SEWAGE?
>>WELL, NO MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE. >>I'M NOT INTERESTED AT ALL.
>>OKAY MAYBE A LITTLE MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE IT MY CAREER.
>>WELL WHAT DOES THE DESCRIPTION SAY? >>UM...
>>99 PERCENT MATCH. YOU ENJOY SEWAGE.
>>UH, ENJOY IS A STRONG WORD OKAY? I DON'T WANT TO WORK IN SOCIETY'S SEWERS.
I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY?
>>NO WORRIES, THIS SAYS YOU PROBABLY WON'T HAVE KIDS.
>>WHAT? THAT IS OFFENSIVE TO ALL SEWAGE WORKERS.
>>OH, NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR JOB. IT'S JUST YOU'RE NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE.
>>WOW THAT THING IS REALLY ACCURATE. >>ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT. I'M CHANGING SOME ANSWERS.
[CHIMES] >>OH LIBRARIAN! I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE.
[CHIMES] >>WHAT DOES IT SAY THIS TIME MATT?
>>ASSISTANT METER MAID. APPARENTLY I DON'T QUALIFY FOR A HEAD METER
MAID POSITION, BUT ACCORDING TO THIS I'M A GOOD MATCH FOR
THE JOB BECAUSE MY BODY WILL FIT EASILY INTO THE TINY METER
MAID CARS. >>MAN, THIS THING REALLY KNOWS US.
>>NO IT DOESN'T KNOW ME! ALL RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO BE SUCCESSFUL. RUN MY OWN BUSINESS AND BE MY OWN BOSS.
[CHIMES] >>MINE JUST SAYS, "MATT'S BOSS."
OH NO! DOES THAT MEAN I'M GOING TO BE IN CHARGE
OF THE SEWER PEOPLE? >>SEWAGE WORKERS ADAM!
WHICH I'M NOT GOING TO BE EITHER. I'M JUST CLARIFYING.
I AM GOING TO BE A... [CHIMES] >>SKETCH COMEDIAN,
IS THAT A REAL JOB? >>NO.
>>THIS IS AWFUL. [CHIMES] >>MINE SAYS FOREST RANGER!
[CHIMES] >>NEGLIGENT MAN WHO STARTS FOREST FIRES?
>>OKAY, YOU'RE A MONSTER MATT! >>NO!
STACEY! COME ON!
WHO WOULD DO THAT FOR A LIVING? >>I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT A CLAN
OF SEWAGE PEOPLE! >>NO!
I AM BARELY INTERESTED IN THE SEWERS, ALL RIGHT?
HERE I WILL JUST CHANGE MY ANSWERS UNTIL SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS.
[CHIMES] HIGH SCHOOL MASCOT UNDER STUDY. WOW.
[CHIMES] SPOTTED OWL POACHER. [CHIMES] WEIRD MALE SECRETARY.
WHY COULDN'T IT JUST SAY SECRETARY? >>NOW, REMEMBER MATT, THIS DOESN'T DETERMINE
YOUR FUTURE. YOU CAN STILL BE WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO BE.
>>BUT THIS THING SPECIFICALLY SAYS THAT I'M AVERAGE.
[CHIMES] >>BELOW AVERAGE. >>NO MATTER HOW I ANSWER, IT KNOWS I'M NOT
CAPABLE OF DOING THINGS. WHAT PLACE IS THERE IN THIS WORLD FOR A MAN
WHO IS GROSSLY UNQUALIFIED?
[CHIMES] POLITICIAN.