From the studio behind the animated classics that defined a generation
and the bloated gritty live action reboot that defined *this* generation...
comes another Disney cash grab that will ruin everything you love about another childhood
classic.
Maley-fishent.
Male-Ficent.
Malayfickent.
Screw it.
Sleeping Beauty.
Two giant cheekbones star in the modern retelling of Sleeping
Beauty,
this time from the villain's perspective
where the character you loved for being pure evil and turning into an awesome dragon
is no longer evil?
and doesn't even turn a dragon?
Why is he the dragon?
You had ONE job, Disney.
Instead, watch as the sorceress whose name literally means " evil"
mildly punks people,
feels sorry,
"You stole what was left of my heart and now I've lost you forever."
and is only mean because she was roofied and mutilated by her childhood love.
Ugh.
Have fun explaining that to your kids.
Watch everything scary and fun about Maleficent get neutered by
the same thing that neutered Darth Vader...
Backstory.
"Nooooo!"
Where you'll learn the answers to questions you never had, like...
What if Maleficent grew up in a low-rent Avatar rip-off?
What if the original was full of generic CGI battle scenes?
Was Maleficent's pet crow actually a human slave?
Where did her stick come from?
And did Maleficent spend most of her time creepily watching Sleeping Beauty grow up
from a few feet away?
Yes. She did, apparently.
"I hate you."
But it's not just the Angelina Jolie show...
Instead, spend time with one-dimensional caricatures like
The Mean King
The Handsome Prince
The Cute Princess
And the three fairies you love from the original
who are now three hideous idiots whose stupidity borders on child abuse.
"Oh look! The little beast is about to fall off the cliff!"
Way to f*** up fairies, Disney!
So experience a more modern take on Sleeping Beauty
Where we learn the most important lesson of all:
if your movie comes out after Frozen
"An act of true love."
"True love's kiss!"
true love only exists between two girls.
Awww yeah.
Starring...
You Know Nothing, Jon Crow
Huey, Dewey, and Louie
Groots
Harry Styles
Areola
Prawn King
and How Jennifer Aniston Sees Angelina Jolie
Sleeping Beauty: The Bad One.
We're gonna be honest:
this wasn't our best trailer, but this wasn't Disney's best movie either.
Next week's will be WAY better. Trust us.