♪♪♪
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WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ORIGINALLY FROM YEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A
STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME ALI SULTAWN.
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♪ ♪ ♪ >> HELLO!
THANK YOU.
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HELLO.
MY NAME IS ALI SULTAWN.
I WAS BORN IN YEMEN.
I WAS RAISED A DEVOUT MUSLIM, AND ONE DAY I ACTUALLY TRIED
BACON.
( LAUGHTER )
I FOUND THE LORD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OUR PEOPLE SAY PSYCHEDELICS EXPAND YOUR MIND.
BACON WAS MY MUSHROOM.
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"WHY AM I ALLOWED NOT A SLICE OF THIS DELICIOUSNESS?"
I THINK IF YOU'RE BORN IN AMERICA, YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL.
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YEAH.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF PRIVILEGES, LIKE KNOWING YOUR BIRTH DAY.
IN YEMEN, THEY DON'T KEEP BIRTH RECORDS AND THEY DON'T CELEBRATE
BIRTHDAYS SO YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE YOUR BEST GUESS.
I FINALLY ASKED MY MOM WHEN I WAS 14-- OR NINE...
( LAUGHTER )
AND SHE SAID, "YOU WERE BORN WHEN WE GOT THE CAT."
( LAUGHTER )
CAT?" SHE SAID THAT'S WHEN YOUR UNCLE
GOT DIABETES.
AND THAT'S HOW I LEARNED THAT TIME WAS RELATIVE.
THE RELATIVE IS MY DIABETIC UNCLE.
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MY MOTHER RECENTLY GOT MARRIED.
IT'S HER FOURTH MARRIAGE, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT A QUITTER.
AND I SAID, "CONGRATS, MOM.
YOU'RE THE FIRST MUSLUM WOMAN TO HAVE FOUR HUSBANDS.
YOU'RE THE ROSA PARKS OF THE MIDDLE EAST RIGHT NOW.
GO GET THEM."
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COUNTRY FOR ABOUT A COUPLE OF YEARS AND HE'S ALREADY, LIKE,
LEARNED SO MUCH.
IN TWO YEARS HE'S LEARNED HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH.
HE LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE.
AND HOW TO ICE SKATE, FOR SOME REASON.
AND HE'S A NICE GUY.
HE PULLED ME ASIDE, KNOWING THAT I GREW UP WITHOUT A FATHER, AND
HE SAID ALI, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE MOI SON.
AND I SAID, "NO, THANK YOU.
I AM 30, I THINK."
( LAUGHTER )
SPEAK ENGLISH.
I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE.
I USED TO TAKE YOU ICE SKATING.
YOU'RE MY SON."
"GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
THE.
I EMIGRATED WHEN I WAS 15, AND WHEN I GOT HERE I HAD TO TAKE
E.S.L. CLASSES AND ONE DAY MY INSTRUCTOR STARTED TALKING ABOUT
THE MIDDLE EAST AND 9/11, AND THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME, THE ONLY
ARAB KID IN THE CLASS, AND SHE SAID, "THEY HATE US BECAUSE
THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR FREEDOM."
AND SHE JUST KEPT STARING AND STARING.
AND THAT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
AND WHEN I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, I LAUGH.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT I LAUGHED WAY TOO HARD.
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OF DISCOMFORT.
IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS PLOTTING AGAINST THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA.
SHE SAID, "THEY HATE US BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR FREEDOM."
AND I WAS LIKE HA-HA-HA!
I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.
I DON'T THINK THE MIDDLE EAST IS JEALOUS OF AMERICA'S FREEDOM.
BECAUSE I'VE LIVED THERE.
I LIVED IN YEMEN, AND WE HAD THE MOST FREEDOM.
BECAUSE WE DID NOT HAVE AN OPERATING GOVERNMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
TO.
IT WAS CRAZY.
ONE TIME I WAS ON A BUS AND I SAW A BABY SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
HE MIGHT HAVE EIGHT, AND HE WAS SMOKING SO CASUALLY.
AND I WAS THE ONLY PERSON PANICKING.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, WHY IS HE DRIVING THIS BUS?"
WE'RE GOING TO DIE.
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IS NOT FREEDOM.
IT'S RULES AND REGULATIONS.
( LAUGHTER )
WHERE AN ACCOUNTANT CAN HAVE A BAZOOKA.
I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE JAYWALKING HAS CONSEQUENCES.
I AM ALI SULTAWN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
APPRECIATE IT.
( APPLAUSE )
COMEDY FORT" IN FORT COLLINS ON JULY 15, AND YOU CAN FIND
HIM ON TWITTER @ALISULTANCOMEDY.
ALI SULTAWN, EVERYBODY!