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one of the most interesting things about
traveling the world
is seeing just how similar and just how
different the values are from culture to
culture
it is especially interesting to see
what cultures consider to be
the most important and valuable
kind or type of relationship
for certain asian cultures the most
important relationship of all is your
relationship with your ancestors
for certain hispanic cultures the most
important relationship is between a
mother and daughter specifically and
father and son specifically
for certain native cultures the most
important relationship is between you
and your tribe and also with that
extended tribe which is the natural
world
for many of you watching this the most
valued and important relationship is the
romantic partnership finding your other
half
given that no one can actually agree
upon what the most valuable and
important kind of relationship is and we
just get sucked into the same way of
thinking as our culture thinks as our
family thinks as our society thinks in
terms of what's the most valuable kind
of relationship
it's really time for us to rethink
relationships altogether it's time for
us to break free from our limited
thinking about relationships
in truth if we glamorize
any kind of relationship while devaluing
other kinds of relationships we get
ourselves into a whole heap of trouble
but one of the biggest problems that i
see in the modern world today
is that people tend to glamorize the
romantic partnership
while devaluing every other kind of
relationship meaning that's the priority
everything else is second
or that's the thing i'm fixated on and
therefore everything else is
either not only devalued but also
oftentimes discarded
what this does is it creates a state of
starvation within people
it prevents us from having feel-good
relationships it prevents us from
recognizing resources that are all
around us
it prevents us from getting our needs
met
the reason that in the modern world
people fixate so hard on the romantic
partnership specifically is because
there is a feeling that that's the only
relationship where you can guarantee
that you can get your needs met
there are two main reasons why people
feel as if the romantic partnership is
the only relationship in which they can
guarantee that their needs will be met
one pair bonding even if established
only temporarily is something that
evolved within humanity because it
served to meet needs of the individuals
within the pair bond as well as to
secure greater individual and species
success
you could consider it
evolutionary but the genuine need for
humans to go from the evolution of pair
bonding to marriage took root when
families that consisted of loosely
organized groups of people got to the
point where the evolution of societal
success required settling down into
agrarian civilizations
property ownership became a serious
concern
religions then embraced and started
proselytizing the idea of marriage in
order to establish social order
to begin with the primary purpose of
establishing the lifelong pair bond that
we call marriage was to bind women to
men and thus guarantee that a man's
children were truly his biological heirs
for most of human history people were
brought together to form these pair
bonds that were intended to last a
lifetime called marriage
for serious practical purposes
now these relationships
met the needs of the individuals
themselves within that parabond and also
times needs that belong to their
families
what this means is
for the majority of human history pair
bonding in marriage had literally
nothing to do with love
the idea of romantic love as a
motivating force for pair bonding does
not go very far back and yet the needs
we have that are satisfied by romantic
attachment have become of paramount
importance in the world today
something that's important to know is
that there is a definite hierarchy of
needs so in the past if you look back
through time there were a lot of
elements of survival which humanity in
general was not as on top of
when it was that type of a scenario for
us
a lot of people within a relationship
and families cared a great deal more
about whether a certain partner would
fulfill needs that would ensure survival
or some kind of success like that but
what we watch is the more modernized and
developed that a species becomes in this
case humans
the more that they get on top of this
survival you know operandi so that it's
not really a life or death type of a
situation and it's not really serious
needs like finances
the more that these needs and priorities
shift right because we've taken care of
these needs on that hierarchy scale
which are much more primal
those are out of the way now the focus
switches to
okay now that we can make sure that
there's food on the table and that's not
something i have to worry about and
therefore something that i have to
prioritize a mate for you know i'm safe
for the most part so i don't need a
protector for the most part then it
switches to things like
you know what i'm really missing is
understanding what i'm really missing is
feeling cared for so you start to see
that over the course of history as
society gets more and more developed and
better and better at getting on top of
all of these survival elements
the prioritization starts to shift from
all of those much more basic and
straightforward needs to prioritizing
love in relationships
to call people out
but also to not really call them out
because it's not like i disagree with
them
when people get into situations where
really honestly it is a survival type of
a dynamic for them
and it matters more whether they have
food on the table then it matters
whether they're in love
you will definitely tend to see people
in that situation
care less about whether the person that
they're pair bonding with is in love
with them and more about what survival
needs they need and how they stay safe
by virtue of pair bunny
the most important takeaway from this is
that for thousands of years the
structure of many societies across the
globe have been literally founded on
marriage
they still are today
this means citizens and families and
cultures and religions and government
organizations and educational sources
and entertainment have all been
indoctrinating you with the idea that
marriage is the most important
relationship you will have and that the
romantic pair bond is the relationship
in which your needs will be met
many societies have made it only
acceptable for certainties to come
through a romantic partner
and they set the idea in people's heads
that by establishing a romantic pair
bond you can guarantee that your
romantic partner will meet your needs
and you will meet theirs
which leads us to our next point
two
if you look at those specific needs that
most people are going for by searching
for and fixating on a romantic
partnership
things like merging things like
closeness things like togetherness
things like focus things like
prioritization things like a sense of
importance
things like attention
things like belonging
and availability there is a belief that
one can only guarantee the security of
getting these needs met from a romantic
partner they don't feel any other
relationship can be relied upon to meet
those needs certainly not long term
there is a belief that the romantic
partnership specifically is the only
relationship where the feelings as well
as the transactional element of the
relationship are both strong enough
to guarantee that that relationship is
going to be secure
when we say that a relationship feels
secure what we mean is that we can rely
upon the fact that the incentive
is going to make it a guarantee that we
can rely on the other person to continue
to meet our needs long-term
to learn more about this you can watch
my video titled be consciously
transactional
and here's the thing
if we are in a society where we know
that the absolute apex in that society
is the romantic partnership
then we can guarantee that other people
in that society
also will value and prioritize that
relationship over every other
relationship
what does that mean
it means that we are only secure in a
relationship if we are that person's
partner otherwise we can 100 guarantee
they are going to prioritize
another relationship over us therefore
we cannot rely upon our needs being met
this whole dynamic of fixating on this
relationship between ourselves and the
romantic partner is compounded
if we did not get these needs we're
looking for in a partner from our
parents
mom first and then dad
the romantic partnership mimics the
initial experience that one needs to
have with their parent
and if this experience was lacking in
some way the romantic partnership is the
one that we think will heal us from what
was lacking and provide those needs that
we are starving for
there are so many problems
with this fixation that we have
developed in the modern world on the
romantic relationship
the first being that we're totally
convinced that that's the only
relationship that is going to meet our
needs
not only do we think it's the only one
that's going to meet our needs we think
it's the only one that's going to make
us happy
we think it's the only one that's going
to make us secure and be a guarantee
as a result we fail to recognize and we
devalue all of the other forms of
relationships around us
as well as the plentitude of resources
that each one offers us
this causes us to obsessively hunt for
our romantic partner as if this
relationship is all that matters to us
once we find it this causes us to
prioritize that relationship over all
others and then de-prioritize and even
discard our other relationships for the
sake of that one
when we do this thing where we hyper
fixate on that one other person boom
like that and we say you know what
you're the one that i feel secure with
and the one that's going to meet all my
needs we in fact put all of the pressure
on this other person to be the one to
meet all of our needs
and it isn't possible
it's not possible for one person to meet
all of our needs
so basically it's a complete setup for
disappointment and for pain
we need to expand our idea of
relationships
beyond what it is today we need to get
creative with new configurations
if we're going to evolve as a species
one of the most important things you can
do to expand your perspective relative
to relationships
is to understand that you form
relationships based off of needs and
desires this is always the case
two people are always looking for an
arrangement that is mutually beneficial
we could call this a symbiosis
and guess what
every relationship is a potential
symbiosis
every relationship offers different
needs
and lends to our desires in some way
a romantic partner is not all there is
it is not your only hope of getting the
needs that you have reliably met
it is not your only hope of happiness
a great many needs that you have which
you are convinced can only come in the
form of a romantic partner are actually
not dependent on a romantic partner
and the more that people in general
realize this
the less they're going to fixate on the
value of only that one relationship
and the more they're going to start to
resource the very powerful needs and
desires that they can have met
through all the plethora of
relationships that exist around them at
any given moment
they're going to start to
resource
people in their life for what they
really can provide
also
it will help them to not feel like they
themselves
have to meet every need for another
person even if it doesn't come naturally
and they will start to recognize what
they want to be resourced for
what part of the symbiosis and
relationships they want to serve
every person including you and every
relationship has incredible value to
provide
every relationship
is a resource
the question is can you recognize the
value
and can you
actually recognize and utilize the
resource
and can you be nourished by it
have a good week
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i want to thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step
into awareness
i'll see you in the next video
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you