Jay Leno!
Jay.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you!
I'll have a seat.
Have a seat.
Now, listen. I'll get on to your show, if I may.
You recently had Obama, Barack on, which makes you...
-No, it's the other way round, isn't it? -Yes, but...
I'm somewhat dyslexic, so that's all right with me.
It's just... If people are gonna choose their names from Scrabble tiles, I...
Anyway, so is it easy to get an American president on the show,
or is it a bit complicated?
It's interesting, the difference, because I had him on as a candidate twice before.
And each time he would come with his jacket, like, on his finger,
with two guys.
As president, oh, my God.
Armies, literally armies come in.
They do a sweep of your staff, and they go like this.
"Are you Jeremy Clarkson? Yes. Don't come in tomorrow."
Why?
-"I said don't come in tomorrow!" -What, just a background check thing?
If you had a joint in your sock in 1972, you don't...
And that's what they do. You don't come in, and you don't...
And we were never told why. They...
-You're just told not to come in that day. -How weird.
Does he phone work when he's arriving, or is that all shut down as well?
All cell phones within 60 miles are monitored.
-So be careful... -So everybody within 60 miles of Barack...
Well, for key words. If there are certain key words,
they will track you down and beat you senseless.
I used to think when I went there, it was a bit like going to a prison,
-just with more food. -Right.
And when you came home, you felt like you were coming back to a free country.
-Now I find it's the other way round. -We have these speed cameras here.
Oh, that's nothing.
See, in L.A., people would say, why don't you just shoot them out?
Exactly.
We don't we just shoot them out?
Normally, at this stage, when we've got people here,
I get to the point of the interview where I say, "Talk about your cars."
And they go, "I've got a Honda Accord, and my wife's got a Toyota Prius," okay?
I just need you to understand how big a petrol head we have here. Okay?
So this is just his cars. Ready? Deep breath.
Dodge Viper, Packard Caribbean, Chevrolet Corvette, E-type Jaguar, Bugatti Type 37,
Lamborghini Espada, Chevrolet Corvette ZR-1, Lamborghini Countach,
Brough Superior, Bentley Turbo R, Shelby Mustang 350GT, Citroen XM,
Fiat Millecento, Corvette Z06,
Bugatti Type 57, AC Cobra 427,
Lamborghini Miura S.
Dodge Challenger SRT8,
Lagonda V-12, Bentley Speed Six,
Aerial Atom, Ford Model T,
another Lamborghini Miura, Dodge Challenger RT.
That's Page 1, there's Page 2.
Do you wanna see Page 3? There's Page 3.
How the hell do you decide what to go to work in the morning?
Who wouldn't do that if they could?
No, it's... I would, I must confess. I would.
But see, I only have one wife.
I have one woman.
I have one woman and 150 cars.
Thank you very... See? Now, see? There you are. Thank you.
See women know this.
Wouldn't you prefer your man coming home reeking of transmission fluid
rather than cheap perfume?
So do you spend a lot of time going to car shows, stuff like that?
That's really all I do. I work in my garage.
I like working on cars.
You'll like this story.
I had my McLaren F1 out. I took it to a car show.
I see these two L.A. gang members.
Scary guys.
Tattoo, the thing on the neck with the cross, the tear on the... The whole bit.
And they're looking at my car and I'm like, "Oh, boy."
And one of them says, "Gordon Murray designed this, right?"
And I went, "Yeah."
Then the other guy asked about David Stephen, and I realized,
Now I'm prejudging people.
Okay, I assumed that because they look different from me,
that they're criminals or gangsters.
I felt so bad about this.
I said to these guys, "You ever been in one of these? No, no."
I said, "Do you wanna go for a ride?" They said, "Yeah!"
And I realized, maybe this is a mistake, okay?
And as big as they were outside, they were enormous in the car.
The guys' head, and when that tattoo is right here, you know?
With the misspelled "die" and everything.
All right, so we're driving along. "This is good."
Guy goes, "Go up here in the hills. There's no traffic."
"All right."
It's not good at this point.
There's a place called Canaan Road which goes above Malibu.
There's some tunnels that go through the mountain. So I said,
"I'll tell you what, I'll nail it through the mountains.
You guys gotta hear the F1 McLaren."
I fly through the tunnel, 125.
As I come out of the tunnel, police car right here.
Goddamn!
Pulled over, and now I got two gang guys.
They're gonna run a check on these guys, it'll be drug dealers,
my McLaren will be towed,
they'll put a hook on it and drag it to impound,
I'll be arrested for going 100.
So... cop pulls over, and the highway patrolman goes,
"What are you doing? You know how fast you're going?"
The two guys go, "We're police officers. It's all right."
No way.
They were undercover. They were undercover. Exactly!
It was like: It was like the greatest day of my life.
Yeah. I was like:
That's just complete win-win.
We don't get that at the Goodwood Festival of Speed.
Undercover gang members.
Now, obviously, you came here to do a lap
in a car with a steering wheel on the correct side.
The steering wheel is on the wrong side.
The spring was broken in the shifter.
Yet, in that British tradition, I soldiered on.
How did it go?
Okay, I mean, as long as I don't get beat by Helen Mirren, I'm okay.
-Helen Mirren, where is she? -Where is she?
There she is at 1.528.
Okay, that's... Yeah, I think I did better than that.
Shall we find out how Jay got on?
Yes!
Here's your lap in a Lacetti.
There we go, we're off, plenty of smoke on the start.
Race car driving's like sex. All men think they're good at it.
So you've got a smooth style there.
We could learn a lot from... Oh, very smooth.
Much like the sex.
If it doesn't go well, blame it on the car.
Dressed up as Marlboro Man.
Oh, I can't say that, can I? Dressed up as Cowboy Man.
That's smooth again.
That's a little better. At least I didn't miss a gear that time.
Here it is, this is the Hammerhead.
This is where you can make or break your lap.
-You must be pleased with that. -Yeah, it seems all right.
Yeah, Looking good.
Looking very good coming out. Maybe a little bit fast.
The Stig is quite a good instructor, considering he doesn't talk.
Now let's have a look at this. This is obviously flat out through there.
-Not bad. -Yeah.
Flat out... Oh, that's quick! That was very quick.
Brake down to third.
Come on, this is the hard... Yes! That's what I call a corner!
Now it's Gambon.
That's Michael Gambon around there.
maybe a touch too much understeer, but there we are across the line!
See how you go mental.
Let's find out how you got on.
-All right. -You did it...
One minute...
Yes?
-...Forty... -Yes?
Eight-point-eight. You're way faster than Helen Mirren!
-Oh, all right. -You are...
-All right, all right. -...between...
In the middle of the pack.
...Doctor Who...
...and Will Young.
Are you the fastest American?
-I'll take fastest American. -Well, I'm just looking.
No, what? Mark Wahlberg.
Mark Wahlberg.
-You're the second fastest American! -Second fastest! Wow!
There we go. Jay Leno, everybody!
Thank you, Jeremy, thank you. Thank you, mate.
Thank you so much!