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- [Lily] Hey, Psych2Goers.
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Now let's continue.
Gaslighting is a word that's used a lot
in the media these days,
but what does gaslighting actually mean?
The term originates from the Patrick Hamilton's original
1939 stage play, "Gaslight,"
where a husband psychologically manipulates his wife.
In the story, the husband attempts to convince his wife
that she is insane by manipulating small elements
of their environment and insisting that she is mistaken,
remembering things incorrectly
when she points out the changes he makes.
The play's title alludes to how the abusive husband
slowly dims the gaslights in their home
while pretending nothing has changed
in an effort to make his wife doubt her own perceptions.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse
where someone leads you to question your own reality,
memory, or perceptions.
So here are 10 examples of what gaslighting can sound like.
As a disclaimer, we want to note
that not everyone who says these phrases
is automatically a gaslighter.
Gaslighting is intentional
and a gaslighter knows exactly what they're saying
and what they're doing.
One, "What did I do to you?"
If someone responds to you this way,
they may genuinely not know what they have done
and are asking you about it.
But when it's gaslighting,
they are aware they have done something to hurt you
and are pretending to play dumb.
In defensively posing this question to you,
they are denying the impact they had on you
and are also forcing you to question it.
Two, "Everyone around you isn't the problem,
the problem is you."
This is sometimes used as a way
to shut down the conversation or dialogue
for whatever is happening.
This type of language is often referred to
as victim blaming,
where the gaslighter will make statements
that cause you to feel like you are the problem,
even when you have fallen victim
to something such as bullying or abuse
and the situation is outside of your direct control.
Three, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
When someone's hurt you and they say something like this,
than it is not a true apology.
Instead, it's a way to make you feel
like you are the problem.
They say that they're sorry that you feel the way you do
rather than apologizing for what they've done
or how they made you feel.
Four, "I don't remember saying that.
I think you made that up."
This is the go-to phrase that a gaslighter will use
to intentionally get you to question your experience,
behavior, and thoughts
in order to take the focus off of them.
Five, "It's your anxiety that made me do the things I do."
This is a common response
when a gaslighter gets called out for their behavior.
They use this as a reason
to justify their own negative behavior when in fact,
they should take responsibility for their own actions
instead of choosing to blame you.
Six, "You need help."
This term is used to imply that you are the problem
and that you need to address your issues
rather than them having to work through their own issues.
This is a shutdown response
to avoid working things through with you.
Seven, "It's your fault."
People who gaslight
will neglect any responsibility for their actions
or for a situation.
Instead, they will directly blame others.
This can be a repetitive cycle where you may be made to feel
like something is your fault even if it isn't.
You may even apologize for things that aren't your fault
to make peace with them.
Eight, "You're too emotional."
This implies that your characteristics are seen as flaws.
And this can make you question your own sense
of who you are.
Nine, "It's not a big deal."
People who gaslight have a tendency
to minimize the impact that something has on you.
They may make you feel like you're making a bigger deal
out of something,
when you are within your right to talk about things
that are bothering you and express yourself openly.
10, "Why are you so defensive all the time?
You're attacking me."
This is a common phrase used
when you challenge a gaslighter.
They have a tendency to flip the conversation towards you
and make it out like you are the one who is in the wrong
by accusing you of being defensive
and that you're attacking them.
Then they become the victim.
Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you?
These are only some of the things
a gaslighter will say to you.
You may have heard these before or even said them yourself,
but this does not necessarily mean you have been gaslighted
or that you are a gaslighter.
Gaslighting is intentional
and a gaslighter knows full well what they're saying
and what they are doing.
We encourage you to seek help or guidance
if you suspect that gaslighting
has played a role in your life.
Please like and share this video if it helped you
and you think it can help someone else too.
The studies and references used
are listed in the description below.
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Thank you for watching.
We'll see you next time.