>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN,"
EVERYBODY!
RIGHT OVER THERE!
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT!
JON, WE'RE LIVE SO WE HAVE TO KEEP COOKING BUT I CAN'T GO BY
WITHOUT SAYING CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING ONE OF THE "TIMES" 100.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
WELL DESERVED.
FOLKS, AS YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE
DOING THE STANDY-JOKEY, BUT SOMETIMES I COME OVER HERE FOR
THE SITTY-HA-HA'S IN MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE IT IS.
IT DOESN'T IMMEDIATE AN INTRODUCTION.
"MEANWHILE!" NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.
MEANWHILE, IN READY-TO-ASSEMBLE INFANT NEWS, "IKEA NORWAY IS
OFFERING TO HELP NORWEGIANS WITH BABY NAMES AFTER A COVID-19
BOOM," USING THEIR "NAME BANK" WITH MORE THAN 800 LISTINGS,
DRAWN FROM THE NAMES IKEA HAS GIVEN TO ITS FURNITURE."
OH, GOOD -- GET READY FOR SWEDISH BABIES
WITH NAMES LIKE "MOÖRBYLAÅNGA" D "FJAÄDERMOLN."
AND WHAT A SWEET STORY TO TELL THEM.
"HONEY, YOU WERE NAMED AFTER A VENEER TABLE THAT YOUR DAD'S
COLLEGE ROOMMATE STAINED WITH GRAVITY BONG WATER."
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST PRAY TO GOD AMERICAN
FURNITURE COMPANIES NEVER OFFER THE SAME SERVICE.
"THIS IS MY SON, LAZ-Y-BOY, AND THESE ARE THE TWINS, RAYMOUR AND
FLANIGAN.
( LAUGHTER ) "MEANWHILE!" --
>> A NEW BILL WILL MAKE EVERYONE GET THE SHAME CHARGERS.
SO NOW IF I WANT TO CHARGE IT WHILE LISTENING, I HAVE TO DROP
ANOTHER $250 ON AIR PODS!
AT LAST WE THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN AND THEY ARE SAYING
WHAT'S THAT THERE'S A GREEN ONE?
YES, I WILL WAIT IN LINE.
SO PRETTY.
"MEANWHILE!," THERE'S NEWS FROM ENGLAND WHERE THE SPORT OF
CHEESE ROLLING HAS RETURNED AFTER THE PANDEMIC, IN WHICH
PEOPLE CHASE A SEVEN-POUND DOUBLE GLOUCESTER CHEESE WHEEL
DOWN A STEEP HILL IN WHICH THEY DESCRIBE AS AN EXTREME SPORTING
EVENT.
REALLY, YOU WANT EXTREME?
COME TO AMERICA WHERE, AFTER CATCHING THAT CHEESE, WE BEER
BATTER AND DEEP FRY IT, DIP IT IN RANCH AND THEN ATTEMPT TO
LIVE PAST 30.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: DEEP FRIED, BABY.
>> Stephen: "MEANWHILE!," A RESCUE OPERATION TOOK PLACE
TODAY IN PENNSYLVANIA AFTER TWO PEOPLE GOT STUCK IN A TANK OF
CHOCOLATE AT AN M&M FACTORY.
THE TERRIFYING SCENE WAS DISCOVERED AFTER THEIR
DISTRAUGHT SHIFT SUPERVISOR FOUND THEM THE EARNING M&M.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE WAS HURT BUT APPARENTLY
THE CHOCOLATE WAS ABOUT WASTE HIGH AND THE RESCUERS WERE TOLD
THE TWO PEOPLE CANNOT GET OUT ON THEIR OWN.
CAN'T OR WON'T?
WE SPECIFICALLY ASKED THEM NOT TO CALL 911!
NOW DROP IN SOME CRUSHED PEANUTS AND CLOSE THE LID."
( LAUGHTER ) "MEANWHILE!," IN ARIZONA, LIKE
FLORIDA BUT IT'S A DRY CRAZY -- ( APPLAUSE )
-- A RESTAURANT IN SCOTTSDALE HAS
NEW "WALLS MADE OF HIMALAYAN ROCK SALT," SO "GUESTS ARE
ENCOURAGED TO LICK THE WALLS WHILE DINING."
DON'T WORRY, RESTAURANT STAFF SAID THEY REGULARLY WIPE THE
WALLS DOWN.
THAT IS IN NO WAY REASSURING.
NO, I'M NOT WEARING A CONDOM.
BUT, DON'T WORRY, I REGULARLY WIPE IT DOWN.
WHEN WE COME BACK, JON BATISTE TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!!
STICK AROUND, Y'ALL!