WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW" ONE AND ALL, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GREAT
SUNDAY.
IF YOU DID, YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE SUPER BOWL BECAUSE IT SUCKED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: SLOW GAME!
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY'S GAME BETWEEN THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
AND THE LOS ANGELES RAMS WAS THE LOWEST-SCORING SUPER BOWL EVER.
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THE HALFTIME SHOW, WHICH THIS YEAR FEATURED
MAROON 5 AND THEIR LEAD SINGER ADAM LEVINE.
HE DIDN'T "LEVINE" MUCH TO THE IMAGINATION, TAKING OFF HIS
JACKET, HIS UNDER JACKET, AND FINALLY HIS TANK TOP TO REVEAL.
A LOT OF TATTOOS.
INCLUDING ONE THAT JUST SAYS "CALIFORNIA."
ALTHOUGH, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND TATTOOING THE NAME OF A STATE ON
YOUR BODY.
JUST ASK NORTH AND SOUTH CAROLINA HERE.
BEFORE THE GAME, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAT DOWN WITH CBS' MARGARET
BRENNAN, AND GAVE HIS PREDICTION --
>> YOU'RE A PATRIOTS FAN, WE KNOW THAT.
DO YOU EXPECT THEM TO WIN AT THE SUPERBOWL THIS YEAR?
>> THEY HAVE A VERY SPECIAL OWNER AND COACH, AND CERTAINLY
THEY HAVE I GUESS THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME SO I
WOULD SAY THEY WOULD WIN.
AS THE EXPRESSION GOES, "WHO KNOWS"?
>> STEPHEN: OH YEAH, THE EXPRESSION, "WHO KNOWS?"
REMINDS ME OF THAT OTHER FAMOUS SAYING BY GEORGE WASHINGTON
"HI."
HE USED TO SAY THAT ALL THE TIME.
HI.
>> Jon: HI.
>> Stephen: HI.
NOW THAT THE SUPER BOWL IS OVER, IT'S TIME TO FACE THAT ON
TUESDAY, DONALD TRUMP IS GIVING HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
SO YESTERDAY IT WAS MAROON 5, TOMORROW IT'S ORANGE ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) PLEASE DON'T TAKE YOUR SHIRT
OFF, SIR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE AFTER THE STATE OF THE UNION,
AND MY GUESTS WILL BE THE TEAM FROM "CBS THIS MORNING."
OBVIOUSLY, THEY'RE NEWS FOLK, SO THEY CAN'T GIVE THEIR REAL
OPINIONS, BUT THIS ISN'T A NEWS SHOW, SO I WILL SQUEEZE IT OUT
OF THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) GAYLE WILL SHARE HER FEELINGS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL HAVE TO TAMP HER DOWN!
AGAIN, THAT'S 11:35 TOMORROW, MEANING THEY'RE STAYING UP PAST
THEIR BED TIME, WHICH I BELIEVE IS 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN IT COMES TO THE STATE OF
THE UNION, JUST LIKE PROM, THERE'S AN OFFICIAL THEME.
THIS YEAR IT'S "CHOOSING GREATNESS."
YES, WE GET A CHOICE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER OPTIONS ARE "SELECTING
MEDIOCRITY," "SETTLING FOR RACIST," OR "FISH."
( LAUGHTER ) I WILL TAKE THE FISH, PLEASE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
FISH!
BUT ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT, THERE'S ANOTHER UNDERLYING
THEME -- >> I REALLY THINK IT'S GOING TO
BE A SPEECH THAT'S GOING TO COVER A LOT OF TERRITORY, BUT
PART OF IT'S GOING TO BE UNITY.
>> STEPHEN: "YES, I WANT TO UNIFY EVERYONE FROM THE HEROES
WHO WANT TO KEEP OUR BORDER SAFE TO NANCY PELOSI WHO WANTS TO SEE
THE CARAVAN MURDER YOU WITH A KNIFE MADE OF DRUGS.
GROUP HUG, EVERYBODY?
KUMBAYA, MY LORD, SOUNDS LIKE AN ARAB NAME."
( LAUGHTER ) TO PREP FOR HIS LOVE FEST, TRUMP
TWEETED, "DEMS DO NOTHING.
IF THERE IS NO WALL, THERE IS NO SECURITY.
HUMAN TRAFFICKING, DRUGS AND CRIMINALS OF ALL DIMENSIONS --
KEEP OUT!" ( LAUGHTER )
YES, CRIMINALS OF ALL DIMENSIONS.
"THERE IS A LARGE CARAVAN APPROACHING FROM THE
SPIDER-VERSE.
WE MUST BUILD A WALL AROUND THE STAR GATE, AND STOP THE EVIL
KRANG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT DONALD TRUMP SAYS HE WANTS TO UNITE THE COUNTRY.
AND IF YOU LOOK AT HIS POLLING NUMBERS, HE'S GETTING CLOSE.
IN FACT, 56% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY DEFINITELY WON'T VOTE FOR
TRUMP NEXT YEAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK THEY'RE ALL HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND A NEW CNN POLL FINDS THAT
FOUR IN TEN CALL THIS THE WORST GOVERNING OF THEIR LIFETIMES.
( APPLAUSE ) THE OTHER SIX OUT OF TEN ARE OLD
ENOUGH TO REMEMBER '70'S SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, METH-ADDLED CIRCUS
CHIMP.
( LAUGHTER ) SO SAD.
>> Jon: MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: ANOTHER SURPRISING TIDBIT FROM THE POLL --
12% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY'VE NEVER HEARD OF MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) "OH MY GOD, HONEY, LOOK-- BEHIND
THE PRESIDENT, SOME SORT OF BORING GHOST!
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S CONDEMNED TO ROAM THE EARTH
TILL HE COMPLETES HIS UNFINISHED CREAM OF WHEAT!"
( LAUGHTER ) AS TRUMP GETS READY FOR THE
STATE OF THE UNION, THINGS AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE ARE IN
DISARRAY.
APPARENTLY, THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE GENERAL JOHN KELLY WAS
REPLACED BY ACTING CHIEF OF STAFF, AND MAN WAITING TO
RELEASE HIS BURP IN THE PRIVACY OF HIS OWN HOME, MICK MULVANEY.
( LAUGHTER ) RECENTLY, WHEN MULVANEY WAS
ASKED IF HE'S ACTING AS A GATEKEEPER FOR THE PRESIDENT,
MULVANEY LAUGHED AND SAID, I'M NOT TRYING TO STOP HIM FROM
DOING THINGS."
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S TRUE.
THE WHITE HOUSE SCHEDULE FOR TODAY INCLUDES, "THINGS,"
"STUFF," AND "STAY OUT OF MY ROOM, MULVANEY.
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL CHIEF OF STAFF!"