(upbeat jazz music)
(bust thumping)
(audience applauding)
(audience moaning)
(audience laughing)
(bust shards tinkling)
- Oh, uh,
boy, okay. (audience laughing)
Wow, thank you.
Thank you so much for that warm ovation.
(audience laughing)
As I stare at this magnificent bust of Mark Twain,
(audience laughing)
I am reminded of how humbled I am to receive such an honor
and how I vow to take very special care of it.
(audience laughing)
I will never let it out of my sight.
I will find a place of honor
in my house for this magnificent bust.
(audience laughing)
If my children try to touch it,
or even look at,
I will beat them. (audience laughing)
It means that much to me.
In fact, I told my wife that maybe
I should buy it its own seat
for the plane ride home. (laughs)
(loud trumpet music) No, no, I'm not done.
I'm not, no, I just started the speech,
why would you think I'm done?
(audience laughing)
I wanna sincerely thank the Kennedy Center for this prize
and the fine folks at PBS for airing this special.
I am the 14th recipient of the Mark Twain Prize.
And you're probably asking yourself,
"Why did it take so long?"
(audience laughing)
Well, for 13 consecutive years,
I have been begged by the Kennedy Center
to accept this award.
(audience laughing)
And for 13 consecutive years,
I have emphatically said, "No."
(audience laughing)
For years, I had many questions about this Mark Twain,
the first being, "Who is he?"
(audience laughing)
It then dawned on me that since I was a small boy
I have thoroughly enjoyed his delicious fried chicken.
(audience laughing)
And then my wife informed me
that I was thinking of Colonel Sanders, not Mark Twain.
It turns out that he is considered
America's finest author and humorist.
But that his real name is not Mark Twain.
It was Jerry Goldman.
(audience laughing)
Before that, it was Judy Blume.
(audience laughing)
And before that, of course, we all know the name,
Samuel Langhorm Chimmons.
(audience laughing)
Despite my failings to grasp the importance
of Mark Twain and what exactly he did,
I decided to accept this award
because of the prize money.
(audience laughing)
$1 billion. (audience laughing)
Paid out over the next 10,000 years.
To say that I am thrilled to be here
is a complete understatement.
And to make this evening even more thrilling,
I have just been informed that
I am only the 11th Caucasian
to receive this prestigious award.
(audience laughing)
Pretty cool. (audience laughing)
I can't tell you enough how special it is
to stand here on this stage at the Kennedy Center.
In front of this amazing audience
while being watched on PBS by hundreds of people.
(audience laughing)
It's very surreal.
You have to understand,
as a kid growing up in Irvine, California,
where I would sit in my room
and listen to records of Steve Martin,
and the original Saturday Night Live cast,
or stay up late and watch Johnny Carson,
on The Tonight Show to see what,
what comedians he would have on,
I had one dream.
One singular focus.
Even at the earliest age.
I can remember wanting to do one thing
and thing only.
Sell insurance. (audience laughing)
So, to be standing here feels somewhat odd.
(audience laughing)
Whether it was Auto, Home, or Life,
(audience laughing)
Fire, Flood, or Earthquake,
I just wanted to make people feel safe.
(audience laughing)
Do you have enough Inland Marine insurance?
(audience laughing)
Or Business Overhead Expense Disability insurance?
(audience laughing)
These are the things I thought of as a kid.
But the insurance game didn't happen for me,
so I fell back on comedy.
And here I am now.
There's so many people I need to thank
for helping me make tonight possible.
First off, I would like to thank
all the wonderful people who spoke
or performed tonight on my behalf.
(audience applauding)
Amazing, an amazing lineup.
All of you taking time out of your busy
personal and professional schedules
to be here means the world to me.
And if any of you ever needs me to speak on your behalf,
for any reason, just know,
and I sincerely mean this,
I am probably unavailable. (audience laughing)
But thank you.
And I'm sorry ahead of time.
One of the people you saw tonight
to whom I owe a huge debt of gratitude is Mr. Adam McKay.
Together, Adam and I have created "Anchorman,"
"Talladega Nights," "Step Brothers,"
and "The Other Guys."
A Broadway show, and a comedy website.
I would also not be standing here if it weren't for
Saturday Night Live Executive Producer Lorne Michaels.
Thank you, Lorne, for taking a chance on me
and giving me the opportunity to be on Saturday Night Live,
the show I always dreamed of being on.
And finally, what makes tonight truly special
is that I can share it with my family.
I am so grateful to all of you guys
for your continued support and love
for the things that I do.
But mostly, I would like to thank my lovely wife Viveca.
Before I do that, however, I should really thank
my first and second wives, Donna and Julie.
(audience laughing)
Donna, what can I say? (audience laughing)
We were just too young when we got married.
I mean, literally too young, we were 13.
(audience laughing)
Heck, you were 13, I was nine, you know?
I was in the third grade
and it wasn't right. (audience laughing)
Or legal. (audience laughing)
But I hope you're well.
And I thank you for your support.
As for Julie, you left me for Gary Busey.
(audience laughing)
And I will never blame you for that, ever.
Finally, Viveca, (audience laughing)
all I can say is "Thank you."
And thank God I found you.
You've given us three beautiful boys
and we have a wonderful life together.
But I do have to say, sometimes you get a little lippy.
Okay? (audience laughing)
You got a big mouth and, uh, (audience laughing)
you like to run it. (audience laughing)
And I'll tell you one thing and one thing only,
okay, tonight is my night, all right?
(audience laughing)
I love you but I'm really sick of
that big mouth of yours, okay?
And I won't stand it, okay?
Do you hear me? (audience laughing)
You look at me when I talk to you.
I mean, tonight, if I, after the show,
if I wanna go on a bender
with Gwen Ifill (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
and
buy a couple spear guns
and try to scale the Washington Monument,
I'm gonna do it, okay?
And there's nothing you can say to stop me.
I love you.
So, once again, I thank you for this magnificent night
and this amazing honor.
And I wanna thank the Kennedy Center
for being one of the few places that upholds comedy
as what it truly is, an art form.
Thank you.
And good night. (audience applauding)
Now you can play, now you can play the music.
(upbeat jazz music) (audience cheering)