Someone who is codependent is wired for on our side of themselves they never learned how to fill themselves in our families learn
Welcome back. Thanks for joining me this week so in this week's video. I wanted to answer a viewer question someone had asked me
Why did I attract this narcissist?
And this is a really great question because we hom want to know why did we attract this person into our lives?
Why are we attracting the same person over and over again?
Why are we attracting toxic or unhealthy people into our lives?
And that's a great question because that means that you're taking
responsibility for the fact that you played a part in that relationship
And that is so huge because we can't really stop
Attracting the same person over and over again until we realize what are we doing?
That's causing us to be attracted to this person
So I absolutely
Love the self-awareness
And I loved the question so I wanted to make a video on it now if you haven't already don't forget to hit the subscribe
button below and let's get right into this week's video reason why you attracted a narcissist is because
Most likely you suffer from codependency
So someone who is codependent is wired for a narcissist because the codependent
Feels has that empty void inside of themselves they never learned how to fill themselves up
They didn't learn what self love is and so they look for validation outside of themselves they look for people
They want to help everyone
you know these are the people pleasers and our families and the people pleasers that we know they just want to help and help and
they give and give because they feel like if I give you everything that you'll love me because I don't know how to
Do it by myself, I don't know how to really love myself unconditionally
And so if I help you you'll give me love and that will fill me up inside
And a narcissist is the same way they just do it
Slightly different the narcissist has that hole or that void within themselves as well
And they're empty and in order to fill themselves up. They need to know that people love them like they need to feel that
admiration you can't ever hold a narcissist accountable for anything and tell them the
What they just did actually hurt you because in their eyes they just want to be viewed as a perfect human being and that?
Will fill the void within themselves and that's just very general statements
But I just wanted you to kind of understand how this dance kind of works
so if I'm a codependent
And I have this void within myself that says I'm not enough and in order to get love I need to be a certain way
Say certain things do certain things give give give give and the narcissus is
Gladly willing to take take take take because that's what they do then
that's the dance that a narcissist and a codependent will do and so most likely you're
Attracted to the narcissist because of that dance because the narcissist is a taker on a very
manipulative level and especially in the very beginning of the relationship
And the codependent is the giver and so that's just how the dynamic works in that type of relationship
So the next reason why you most likely attracted a narcissist is because you don't know how to spot red flags
so some red flags are really obvious and
they're almost you know hitting us in the face and
Others are not really that obvious and if you neglect to recognize either of them
You're just you're gonna line yourself up for abuse number one being able to spot a red flag is
Really huge and like I said some are very very obvious
You know if someone hits you or physically abuses you that's a huge red flag
But if someone is emotionally abusive, and they use manipulation and they test boundaries
And they don't respect people's boundaries
And they're gaslighting you and they're shaming you you know these are things that unless you're really educated on
emotional abuse and these types of tactics
then you won't know when someone's actually doing them to you so if
You don't if you can't spot these little red flags
Then you are going to be abused and you're going to attract a narcissist because this these are the tactics that they use to hook
You win and if you can't recognize these methods and these tactics then you're going to be attracted to a narcissist
Because you're not able to spot their abusive behavior
And your codependence so you're already seeking
Love from anyone and anything that you can get it to just fill yourself up inside, and that's not okay
We have to be able to spot when we see red flags and another person and that kind of goes right into my next thing
So when you were attracted to this narcissist most likely you didn't have high standards
For yourself and for others and so a lot of the times when people ask me
You know why did I attract this toxic friend or why did I attract this unhealthy person into my life?
And you know my ex-partner was really emotionally abusive like why did I attract that person the reason is?
Amongst other reasons that I'm going over, but another reason is is that you didn't have standards in your life
so you don't have
We're always teaching people how we want to be treated we teach people
What we're willing to tolerate and what we're not willing to tolerate, and if you don't really
Understand what self-love is if you don't really know how to love yourself if you don't have confidence in yourself
to know that
someone abusing me is not okay and learning how to stand up for yourself in a healthy way and
Stating what your boundaries are and knowing how to enforce boundaries when people try to test them you are going to be wired for abuse
because no one is going to
Treat you the way you're not allowing them to treat you so if you don't have standards
And you don't know how an enforce those standards
Into your life, then this these things are gonna happen and you're gonna always attract these people into your life
So one of the things that I always tell people when they start
Dating is you know it's great to focus on the other person and definitely knowing what you're looking for in a partner is absolutely huge
You know learning? How do you want to feel when you're with the right person?
What it is that you're looking for in a partner?
not just I
Want them to be q and I want her to be q and them to be nice and sweet and kind and all of those
things are amazing and
Majority of people in this world are those things
But we have to really look at the overall picture so when life gets hard
How does this person respond when we're going through an argument or difficult times does this person shut down?
Are they really there for me?
Do they have empathy are they able to support me or?
Recognize or helping or remember Who I am when I forget you know all of these things are important. It's not just
Let's meet someone, and you know we go through this world win romance of flowers
And you know great sex and all of these things and then we're stuck a couple years later
Realizing wow this is actually who you are. That's that's not okay. That's not healthy dating so really having standards and
Understanding that if I meet someone that he doesn't or she doesn't have to be you know an evil person
For me to just say you know what this person is nice, but this person isn't right for me
This is not what I need in a relationship. I think so often
We're looking for like these huge red flags or we want someone to be like this evil human being or for me to say
No, that's not okay
I don't want to be with you, but someone can be a nice person and still just maybe not be right for you
You know maybe you don't share the same goals and values. Maybe you don't have similar interests and while
You could still have a relationship with that more actually
I don't think if you you don't share the same goals and values then I think you're gonna really struggle as a couple
But you know there are exceptions to every rule, but I think the overall
message that I want to get with this is you have to know what you're looking for and
Before you can know what you're looking for in another person you have to know yourself. You have to know who you are
entirely
to know what it is that you're looking for in another person and
sometimes that takes a really long time for you to be able to know well Who am I and
What do I need in another person you know sometimes that takes years?
But it doesn't really I think the more you learn how to love yourself and you accept yourself
You'll understand what it is that you're looking for and when you begin to love yourself
You know that what you want is actually out there
I think a lot of times when we're attracted to you
Narcissistic people it's because we have so much self-doubt that what we want doesn't exist
When we come from a healthy whole place
We know that when we're dating people we are getting to know someone just like a friendship
We're getting to know this person is this person really right for me and most likely any
Narcissist that you're dating
Will do a few things in the very beginning in order for you in order for them to hook you and if you have low
Self-esteem, and if you're codependent and you're people pleaser and you have poor boundaries
They're going to hook you so they're going to be overly romantic
They're gonna be this Prince Charming or this amazing woman that you've always wanted to meet you know these
romantic look this romantic love story type of a thing and of course
That can happen we all want a great person in our lives, but a narcissist will always rush a relationship
They'll always
pretend to be this amazing human being but as you're
Getting to know them you see that their actions aren't matching up with their words
And if you don't I'm going into my next thing if you don't
Trust yourself that you can spot red flags and trust yourself that this person isn't right for you
You're going to be abused like I just said
trusting yourself is
probably the biggest thing you can do and aside from learning to really love yourself and having the confidence in yourself and
Knowing how to set boundaries and all of that stuff
that is so so important because
That's the foundation of you teaching people like I said what you will and will not tolerate
And if you don't have that healthy sense of self if you don't really know who you are and love yourself in that sense then
You won't be able to teach people how you want to be treated, and how you deserve to be treated, but the other thing
That's so important aside from that is trusting your intuition
Trusting that when you see a red flag that that's a red flag and again
It doesn't mean that we have to write someone off right away, but it's that. We're just
Remembering that flag happen that we're just saying okay?
I remember that that happens and not allowing our emotions to just take over I know for women sometimes when they become intimate with a
Are to soon that's when all logic goes out the window they just get so emotionally involved in the relationship
And now they've created this man, or even men can do it
They create this person into being something that number one
They're not or number two that they haven't even shown you that they actually are
They're just so wrapped in and what it is that they want that they project all of that onto this person
Because they've been intimate with them
And now they you know are emotionally involved with them and they and they project all of this onto a person
And they're not that person and it happens so so often especially with women because we are emotional creatures
So I hope that this has helped you just gained a little bit of insight and perspective as to why you are attracting
Narcissus into your life. Why you're attracting toxic friends into your life. It's really the same thing
Everything really starts with you and the minute you want to take responsibility for that and that you own your part in every
Relationship you'll be able to overcome this and really
Know going forward whether or not someone is right for you or whether or not someone is toxic for you in your life
Don't forget to like and share this video. Don't forget to leave any comments down below, and I will see you next week