Footballers play Squid Game... To win the Ballon d’Or
BALL-BAGS
You are witnessing the fate of those who broke the rules...
Why Karim! Why?!
Not only did Karim cheat last week to escape death…
...he also obtained explicit footage of the Bathroom Buddies...
...in an attempt to bribe them out of 45.6 billion won...
At least, that’s what Neymar told me Karim did…
Oh yeah! That’s totally what Karim did, honest!
No Karim did...
Shut up Lionel, or I’ll kill you where you stand!
But what about Kane and Son? They cheated too!
Grash!
At the weekend Kane & Son’s teammates helped save the life of a Newcastle fan.
As a result, they have been given one last chance to play fairly.
- Bullshit! - Get on with it!
This is almost as tedious as listening to Ole’s team talks!
The 4th game will be played in teams of 2…
Find someone who you wish to play with. With mutual consent, touch bums and you will become partners
- What? - Touch bums?
- No way! - I’m game!
- Can’t we just shake hands? - No, it has to be bums...
All those in favour of quitting this bum-fest, put your hand-up!
- Up a bum? - Up in the air, bratwurst-breath!
- We quit! - Oh please touch bums…
- I'm game... Urgh! - No!
Fine… then a fist-bump will do…
- He meant fist-bump another fist, Olivier. - Oh, my bad...
- And you can’t fist-bump yourself! - Oh, my bad!
You idiots have 10 minutes.
5 FIST-BUMPS LATER...
I don’t want to be your partner anyway, Lionel!
Dead-meat!
Well done. All players follow the instructions from staff and go to your positions.
Instructions from staff? Positions? Solskjær could learn a lot from this guy!
There are 10 marbles in each pouch... Compete with the partner next to you.
- We’re competing against each other? - Rock paper scissors to see who chooses the game…
The player who takes all 10 marbles from their partner wins…
Ha! Well that was easy
Give them back, dickhead. You have to play a game to win them.
- Let the games begin! - Hey Harry, how about we do a deal...
- Go on… - You give me your 10 marbles and I’ll give you one of my winners medals
Hmmm… I’d lose the game… I’d almost certainly die… But I’d finally have a winner’s medal. Tough choice...
Give Zlatan your marbles or he’ll break your neck...
- Put him down - You’re hair-do is shit
- I meant drop him, not insult him… - Oh…
Violence is not allowed...
1... 2... 3…
- What the hell is that? - A middle finger… it beats everything
- No way! - Ref?
- I’ll allow it… - Yes! - Oh come on!
I know. Whoever can fit the most marbles in their bumhole wins!
- Oh, Olivier you’ve pissed your pants! - Sacre blue…
- Go and get cleaned up Olivier - I’ll look after your pouch for you
- No way! You’ll steal my marbles! - We’re not allowed to cheat remember…
Sorry ref… That will be the dementia… He’s headed a lot of balls.
- Give him your marbles Olivier - Fine!
BRB!
Jesus Christ! Hurry up!
How about we sit and have a deep conversation?
Boring! How about we play you laugh you lose…
- Ha okay! - One to me...
- Sh*t… and if I don’t laugh, you lose. - It’s your funeral!
- Penalty shoot-out! - Oh, I didn’t see that coming...
- Score, you get all of my marbles… miss, I get all of your marbles... - Oh, sh*t
No deal. There’s a good chance I’ll win the UEFA Conference League this year, so you can stick your medal up your arse!
- It’s your loss. - How about some shooting games!
- Again, it’s your loss… - We’ll see about that, Mr. Farmer’s League!
- During lockdown, I tried to learn how to tap dance... - Really?
It was so hard. I kept falling in the sink...
- One for me… - Scheisse…
Hey! I did not pee myself! It was energy drink!
Hmm, I wonder how that got there, Anyway, here’s your bag, Olivier…
- Mercy! Let’s play. - Referee... I have 20 marbles.
- What? - I played a game with him and he lost
- Anal beads? You kinky son of a b**ch... - Laters!
Au revoir cruel world...
Ah… help! I cannot breathe! Help! So this is how it feels to be creampied…
Giroud eliminated...
Hey Zlatan, didn’t you used to live here…
No! And if you take Zlatan's marbles while I’m not looking, Zlatan will have to karate kick you in the cock.
Like candy from an illiterate baby…
- No! - Ha!
- Hurry up! - Shut up!
- You’re going to miss anyway! - Shut up!
- Just like you did against Lepizig - Shut up, tramp!
- And against Spain… - Shut up!
- Referee! - Miss!
I was aiming for his eye! I’m out of here!
Watch where you’re going, dickhead!
Mbappe, eliminated...
- Who is the frontman? - My money is on Franck Ribery...
My money is on President Alkehalifi. He's he frontman of PSG. And he did say Kylian wouldn’t be leaving on a free…
Here goes...
- Sh*t... - Yes!
I used to work for a company who recycled football boots…
- Go on… - It was soul-destroying
- 11 - 9 - Double scheisse!
This is embarrassing…
Sh*t Choupo-Moting, you’re just a sh*t Choupo-Moting...
- Odd or even? - Odd...
Sh*t... Lucky guess! How many did you bet?
- 10. - 10?!
Argh! Right up the nostrils!
- Zlatan eliminated... - Holy sh*t!
Best make sure - we don’t want him coming back later in the series as a plot twist now do we?
- I wonder how we would have done in this game… - Me too Romelu…
If only you hadn’t pulled me off a 90 foot platform…
If only you hadn’t dropped me in front of a motion-sensing killing machine…
If only you hadn’t farted in my face…
- If only I hadn’t signed for Chelsea… - Ha, just like me in 2011
- Buddies? - Buddies...
- No! Touch bums! - What?
- Please… - No!
- Let’s get out of here Romelu... - Cowards!
Come on Harry, you got this…
Ha! No wonder Man City didn’t buy you…
What sound does a witch’s car make?
- Broom broom? - Ha!
- 12-8 - Scheisse! And I knew the punchline. Broom broom. Classic ha.
- 13-7 - Scheisse! Time for some more of my edgier material!
My last ball...
Yes! Yes! Yes!
- No! - Let's go!
Did you hear Neymar rang up Pochettino and said “Poch, I’m not coming into work today”
Poch said “Why?” Neymar replied “Coz I’m sick”
“How sick are you?” asked Poch. “Put it this way, I’m in bed with my sister”
- Oh, come on. That’s libelous. - That’s hilarious!
- 14-6 - Schiesse!
Harry Kane, MBE steps up for the final kick...
- Hurry up! - Shut up… Can he win it?
- You’re going to miss anyway! - Shut up!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yess!
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Who on earth threw that beach ball?
My last marble…
Lewandowski eliminated.
Noo!
In Robert’s memory, here goes…
What’s the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
- Oh no… - You can’t gargle sand!
- You laughed! - No I didn’t, I was just sick in mouth. 20-0!
No! I’ve completely lost my marbles! Just like most of the 1966 England World Cup Team!
- Muller eliminated - Thank god for that…
Congratulations Frontmen. Head back to your beds and wait for the next game.
And check out my ebay listings if you want to pick up the body parts of your former teammates for a great price!
What the fu~
- The intruder? - We haven’t found him yet.
Make sure you catch him. The VIPs will arrive soon.
Never mind VIPs I’m desperate for a VIPoo.
Where are you brother?