WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
REGARDLESS-- FOLKS, REGARDLESS OF THE ENDLESS ROADBLOCKS,
THE PRESIDENT AND HIS AXIS OF ALLIES ARE TRYING TO THROW IN
FRONT OF IT, THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY KEEPS MOVING FORWARD.
AND THE REPUBLICANS KEEP SINKING LOWER.
THEY HIT ROCK BOTTOM A WHILE AGO, BUT IN THE LAST 24 HOURS,
THEY'VE GOTTEN OUT THE BLASTING CAPS, AND THEY'RE FRACKING
AMERICA'S MORAL BEDROCK.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> THE PEEVMENT OF YOUR PRESIDENT IS A SCAM.
>> Stephen: TRUMP HAS CONSTANTLY COMPLAINED THAT ALL THE EVIDENCE
ABOUT HIS UKRAINIAN PHONE CALL WAS HEARSAY.
BUT TODAY, THE HOUSE HEARD TESTIMONY FROM A FIRSTHAND
WITNESS: DIRECTOR OF EUROPEAN AFFAIRS AT THE NATIONAL SECURITY
COUNCIL, AND "MILITARY JOHN HODGMAN," COLONEL
ALEXANDER VINDMAN.
NOW, DURING TRUMP'S UKRAINE PHONE CALL, VINDMAN WAS
LISTENING IN FROM THE SITUATION ROOM, SO IT WASN'T HEARSAY.
VINDMAN COULD ACTUALLY HEAR THE BAD STUFF TRUMP SAY.
VINDMAN EXPLAINED, "I LISTENED IN ON THE CALL IN THE SITUATION
ROOM WITH COLLEAGUES FROM THE N.S.C. AND THE OFFICE OF THE
VICE PRESIDENT.
AS THE TRANSCRIPT IS IN THE PUBLIC RECORD, WE ARE ALL AWARE
OF WHAT WAS SAID."
YES, WE ALL ARE.
UKRAINE SAID THEY WERE READY FOR MORE MILITARY AID.
THEN TRUMP SAID, "I WANT YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH," AND THEN
ASKED FOR DIRT ON THE BIDENS AND THE D.N.C.
PRETTY BALD.
IT'S LIKE IF "THE SIXTH SENSE" WERE CALLED "BRUCE WILLIS
DOESN'T KNOW HE'S DEAD."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: SPOILER ALETTER THERE.
>> Stephen: SPOILER ALERT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW, VINDMAN'S TESTIMONY DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS
THAT OF AMBASSADOR TO THE E.U.
AND "JEAN-DOUCHE PICARD," GORDON SONDLAND.
AMBASSADOR SONDLAND TOLD HOUSE INVESTIGATORS THAT NO ONE HAD
RAISED CONCERNS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S ACTIONS.
YES, VINDMAN DID NOT RAISE CONCERNS.
ALL HE DID WAS "CONVEY CERTAIN CONCERNS," "SHARE HIS CONCERNS,"
"REPORTED HIS CONCERNS," AND "AGAIN REPORTED HIS CONCERNS."
LAWR LAWR IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF "HE SAID,
HE SAID, HE SAID, HE SAID."
( LAUGHTER )
TWICE?
TWICE, TO THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL LAWYER.
ONCE, HE EVEN WENT IN PERSON TO SPEAK WITH HIM, ACCOMPANIED BY
HIS IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER, YEVGENY, WHO IS A LAWYER ON THE
NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL.
WAIT THE WHAT!
HE HAS A TWIN BROTHER WHO ALSO SERVES ON THE N.S.C.?
LET'S CHECK HIM OUT.
OHHHH!
IT'S SO CUTE WHEN TWINS DRESS ALIKE.
LAUGH THEIR DRAMATIC STORY IS
CHRONICLED IN THE NEW KID'S MOVIE, "THE PRESIDENT TRAP."
VINDMAN'S RECORD IS STERLING.
ACCORDING TO HIS OPENING STATEMENT, "FOR MORE THAN TWO
DECADES, IT HAS BEEN MY HONOR TO SERVE AS AN OFFICER IN THE
UNITED STATES ARMY.
I SERVED MULTIPLE OVERSEAS TOURS IN IRAQ.
I WAS WOUNDED IN AN I.E.D.
ATTACK AND AWARDED THE PURPLE HEART.
THE PRIVILEGE OF SERVING MY COUNTRY IS NOT ONLY ROOTED IN MY
MILITARY SERVICE BUT ALSO IN MY PERSONAL HISTORY.
I SIT HERE AS A LIEUTENANT COLONEL IN THE UNITED STATES
ARMY, AN IMMIGRANT."
WOW, THAT LAST PART--
CRAZY.
THAT LAST PART MUST HAVE COME AS A HUGE SHOCK TO DONALD TRUMP.
( AS TRUMP )
IMMIGRANT?
I DIDN'T KNOW THOSE CAME IN WHITE!
YOU KNOW WHAT, HE MUST BE-- IT MUST BE SOME SORT OF
"MAN-LANIA.'"
NOW, I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY THAT, UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP,
VINDMAN'S CHARACTER IS UNIMPEACHABLE.
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP ALL THE PRESIDENT'S TOADIES FROM
QUESTIONING HIS LOYALTY.
>> HE IS FROM THE SOVIET UNION.
HE EMGRAIPTD HERE AND HAS AN AFFINITY TO THE UKRANIAN PEOPLE.
>> MR. VINDMAN, HE'S AN ADVISER TO THE PRESIDENT.
HE IS A FORMER UKRAINIAN.
HE HAS AN AFFINITY, I THINK, FOR THE UKRAINE.
HE SPEAKS UKRAINIAN.
HE CAME FROM THE COUNTRY.
I'M OF IRISH DESCENT.
I STILL LOVE THE IRISH, AND HE HAS AN AFFINITY PROBABLY FOR
HIS HOMELAND.
>> Stephen: YES, MY FAMILY ARE ALL FROM IRELAND, TOO.
I ALWAYS HAD A GREAT AFFINITY FOR THE IRISH, UNTIL I FOUND OUT
THIS ( BLEEP ) WAS ONE.
I WONDER-- I WONDER--
I WONDER IF THE SCOTS WILL TAKE ME.
TODAY'S HEARINGS WERE SECRET, BUT PRETTY SOON, WE'RE GOING TO
KNOW EVERYTHING, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SENT
A LETTER TO HOUSE DEMOCRATS ANNOUNCING THAT THE HOUSE WILL
VOTE TO FORMALIZE THE PROCEDURES IN THE ONGOING IMPEACHMENT
INQUIRY OF PRESIDENT TRUMP.
SHE EVEN SENT OUT POSTCARDS: "SAVE THE DATE AND OUR
DEMOCRACY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PELOSI--
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR, JON!
>> Jon: OH, MAN!
YOU GOT TO FIND SOMETHING!
>> Stephen: PELOSI INSISTS THAT NO FORMAL VOTE IS NECESSARY TO
IMPEACH A PRESIDENT BUT SAYS THAT TRUMP AND HIS SUPPORTERS
"ARGUE THAT, BECAUSE THE HOUSE HAS NOT TAKEN A VOTE, THEY MAY
SIMPLY PRETEND THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY DOES NOT EXIST."
YEAH, TRUMP'S STRATEGY ON A LOT OF THINGS IS JUST TO PRETEND IT
DOESN'T EXIST: THE POPULAR VOTE, THE CONSTITUTION, SALAD, ERIC.
( LAUGHTER )
RESOLUTION CREATES HEARINGS THAT ARE OPEN TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
THAT MEANS LIVE TELEVISED HEARINGS.
IT'S GOING BE THE HIGHEST RATINGS FOR C-SPAN SINCE
WATERGATE, WHEN CONGRESS HEARD TESTIMONY FROM THE FONZ.
( LAUGHTER )
TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?"
( AS FONZ )
WOW.
AYYYYYY!" TRUMP REACTED ON TWITTER TO THE
LOOMING IMPEACHMENT VOTE: "NERVOUS NANCY PELOSI IS DOING
EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO DESTROY THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
OUR POLLS SHOW THAT IT IS GOING TO BE JUST THE OPPIDITE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE OPPIDITE.
THE OPPIDITE, MY FRIENDS.
WELL, MR. PEPSIDENT, YOU ARE CLEARLY THE OPPIDITE OF
INNOCENT, AND WILL LIKELY BE IMBEEFED.
( LAUGHTER )
IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY WILL BE HELD ON THURSDAY, AND THAT VERY
NIGHT, MY GUEST WILL BE NANCY PELOSI.
YES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOOM!
COME ON!
FANCY NANCY.
THAT NIGHT, THAT NIGHT, OF COURSE, IS ALSO HALLOWEEN.
SO WE'RE CALLING IT "NANCY PE-GHOSTY'S HAUNTED HOUSE
SCREAMPEACHMENT SIN-QUIRY INTO THE PRESIDENT'S QUID PRO CROW
WITH BOO-KRAINE!"
WE SHOULD CALL IT THAT.
VINDMAN IS NOT THE ONLY VETERAN COMING FORWARD WITH HARROWING
STORIES FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, BECAUSE WE JUST GOT SOME NEW
DISH FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN EMBODYING
THE PHRASE "WHAT THE HELL!" GENERAL JOHN KELLY.
KELLY LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE IN JANUARY OF ...I'M GOING TO GUESS
1852.
AT AN EVENT, LAST WEEKEND?
LAST WEEKEND, HE REVEALED A WARNING HE GAVE TRUMP WHILE HE
WAS LOOKING FOR A NEW CHIEF OF STAFF.
>> WE WERE STILL IN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO
TAKE MY PLACE.
I SAID, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T-- DON'T HIRE A 'YES MAN,'
SOMEONE THAT'S GOING TO TELL YOU-- WON'T TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
DON'T DO THAT.
BECAUSE IF YOU DO, I BELIEVE YOU WILL BE IMPEACHED."
>> Stephen: YES, JOHN KELLY HAS PSYCHIC POWERS.
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S NOSTRADUMBASS.
( LAUGHTER )
CRITICISM IN A STATEMENT SAYING, "JOHN KELLY NEVER SAID THAT.
HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
IF HE WOULD HAVE SAID THAT, I WOULD HAVE THROWN HIM OUT OF THE
OFFICE.
HE JUST WANTS TO COME BACK INTO THE ACTION LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
DOES."
OH, YEAH.
KELLY JUST MISSES THE ACTION!
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN HE HAD!
TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY ONE-- YEAH, LIKE GUM IN MY MOIGHT.
TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD HARSH WORDS FOR KELLY.
SO DID WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY AND STEPFORD
SPOKESMAN, STEPHANIE GRISHAM, WHO SAID, "I WORKED WITH JOHN
KELLY, AND HE WAS TOTALLY UNEQUIPPED TO HANDLE THE GENIUS
OF OUR GREAT PRESIDENT."
>> Audience: OOOH!
BOO!
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
THAT WAS A SLOW BUILD.
NOW, SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP'S BUDDY, KIM JONG-UN, HAS REALLY RUBBED
OFF ON HIM.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, NORTH KOREA'S NEWS LEADER HAS ALSO
BEEN REPORTING THIS STORY.
>> (translated): THE DOG JOHN KELLY WAS UNEQUIPPED TO HANDLE
THE GENIUS OF GLORIOUS LEADER DONALD JOHN-TRUMP, HE OF THE
PERFECT PHONE CALL.
HE WHOSE BIRTH WAS HERALDED BY A FLOCK OF STARLINGS THAT
GATHERED TO SPELL "HAMBERDER" ACROSS THE HEAVENS.
EVEN THE CRUEL SORCERESS BETTE MIDLER WEPT WITH JOY WHEN THE
NEWBORN TRUMP LEAPT FROM HIS MOTHER'S WOMB INTO A FIRETRUCK
AND HIT A THOUSAND HOLES IN ONE AT TRUMP DORAL.
SEASONAL RATES AVAILABLE NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.
THEY'VE GOT GREAT DEALS GOING ON.
FANTASTIC DEALS GOING ON.