Perhaps I’ll do orange this time… Except, I don’t know, I feel like they would think
it’s weird. I really shouldn’t even go out tonight. I should be working on my book
that I will never publish because I’m too afraid of what others might think. Imagine
if I just didn’t care. If I could just be who I wanted to be and not worry so much.
Just imagine…
And cut.
Was that good? Oh, actually, don’t even answer that because I don’t even care what
you think anyway.
There are many reasons for why we care what others think of us. We fear to not belong,
to not be liked, to be excluded, laughed at, made fun of, neglected. Some of those fears
stem from our childhood, and some… we’re not quite sure where they stem from.
But by and large, we care about those things because we’re human. Can you imagine a world
where no one cared what anyone else thought, ever? I wouldn’t want to live in a world
like that. We need to care. We should care. Because it matters. It matters what our loved
ones think of us, at least if we want to keep them in our life, because it’ll affect our
relationships. It matters what our boss and collogues think of us, because it might affect
our career and work opportunities. But most importantly, it matters what we think of ourselves,
because that’s what will affect us in every aspect of our life.
Wanting to be thought of positively isn’t a bad thing in itself. But how do you know
that you care just enough to where it’s healthy in the way that it drives you forward,
as opposed to it being destructive, as in holding you back?
I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately and while keeping in mind that everyone’s
circumstance is different and that I definitely don’t have it all figured out, I keep coming
back to these two things: our self-awareness and our values. But before getting ahead of
ourselves, let’s define what we mean by “not caring what others think”, starting
with, what I don’t mean.
I don’t mean blasting music on the subway because “who cares”, I don’t mean wearing
pink to a wedding that has a blue dress code, because “who cares”. I don’t mean smoking
in no-smoke zones because “who cares”. And, no, I don’t think that’s what most
people mean when talking about “not caring”, but I did want to make it clear.
So, what do I mean then? Basically this: not caring to the extent where what others think,
or what you fear they might think, prevents you from being who you are or who you want
to be, and from doing what you want to do. So that’s what I’ll be referring to when
saying “not caring”. Let’s start with asking the obvious. Should we even try to
stop caring what other people think?
I think it’s a complicated question. I don’t think the attitude should be to stop caring,
but rather, I think the “not caring” part is merely a consequence of all the other stuff
which we will get to. But in any case, I do think it’s important to ask yourself what
is reasonable to care about and what isn’t. How do we decide that? That’s where it gets
complicated. Firstly, it depends on what we’re talking about.
Are we talking about caring about what specific people think, like, the people at school or
at work or our family members? Or are we talking about caring what people, in general, strangers
and friends and everyone in-between, think?
Now regardless of what we’re talking about, we need to make peace with the fact that no
person in the history of humanity has ever been liked and approved by everyone, and nothing
you ever do or say or don’t do or say, will make you an exception.
As for figuring out what is reasonable to care about and what isn’t, I think some
helpful questions to ask yourself are: what is the nature of the relationship? What is
the intention of the person? And what authority do they have? By authority, I mean, for instance,
do they share my view of life? Do we have similar values? Do they have experience in
this area? Do I admire or look up to them somehow?
For example, it’s probably not reasonable to care if someone who has zero interest in
fashion and style says that my dress is ugly. It is probably reasonable for me to care if
a loved one says I’m having an attitude. It’s probably not reasonable for me to care
if a loved one, who doesn’t believe in exploring the world and taking risks while I do, tells
me I should not move abroad. How about the opinion of someone who is very knowledgeable
in fashion but who’s intentions are not sincere? You see why it can be a bit complicated.
And here’s where I’d like to talk about self-awareness and values. Let’s start with
self-awareness.
In my experience, the more uncomfortable or insecure or oblivious we are about who we
are, what we want, and what we stand for… the more likely we are to care about and be
negatively influenced by what others think and say. And then I think the opposite of
that is true. The more comfortable and secure and aware we are about those things, the less
likely we are to care about and be negatively influenced by what others think and say. And
this brings me to my second point, which is knowing what your values are.
Take time to define and understand your values. Seriously, do it. Spend the weekend writing
about it. I see a person’s values, kind of like their resume. It’s like a quick
overview of what they’re all about. Of course, just like a resume, there’s usually a lot
more to a person, but it does give an idea. Now, what does values have to do with not
caring what others think?
Well, because your values reflect what you think is important, and when you know what
you think is important, you will be better equipped for filtering out all the noise;
all the clouds that are covering up that beautiful, clear blue sky of yours. Here’s an example.
When I was younger, I’d say, like, 99 % of the people I was around, both friends and
acquaintances, were smokers. Cigarettes. I decided very early on that I didn’t want
to. Now, “not smoking”, isn’t exactly a value in itself, but rather, it stemmed
from other values, such as not getting into unhealthy habits. And of course, I was judged
for it. Many times. For being boring, for being a prude. And when you’re really young,
standing your ground isn’t always the easiest thing, but even when I’d feel left out,
I’d always circulate back to my values. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought.
So, how do you define your values? It’s not like a math problem where there’s one
right answer or where you can copy your class mates homework. Some people base their values
on religion or their culture or family, but we do have our personal values as well, and
over time, some of them change; as we evolve, as we grow up, as our perspective changes
and as we get more experience. But basically, your values are whatever is truly important
to you. Quite literally, it’s what you value.
I do have two final pieces of advice, but first, let’s take a small break and thank
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Before we say goodbye, I do want to offer some perspective on something I journaled
about recently. I wrote something like, if someone is mean to me, let’s say someone
writes a mean comment. At first I might feel upset, but then I’ll think: hold on, this
is a person who goes on the internet and deliberately tries to hurt people and put them down, so
it’s almost affirming that a person like that doesn’t like me, because I don’t
even want the approval of someone of that character. And I’m sure you can think of
someone like this in your life—a collogue or a friend or family member, someone who
puts people down or who is a bully or downer.
And also, just one more thing. You know what I’ve noticed? The less I care and judge
others, the less I worry about others caring and judging me. And the more I focus that
energy on myself, on trying to be as good of a person as I can be and having pure intentions
with everything I do, the more unbothered I am. Maybe that’ll be helpful for you too.
Thank you so much for watching, and as always, I will see you in the comment section.