- The third thing I decided to do,
I decided to learn to cook.
I've lived off ready meals and toast for far too long,
and I thought I've got a nice kitchen now,
maybe I should learn to cook.
And I'm learning. It's going quite well.
I don't always know the right words for things.
I couldn't remember the word marinade recently,
when I was trying to describe a recipe
to my friend that I'd had a go of.
I said, "Look, then you get the chicken.
It's dead straightforward, get the chicken,
you put some olive oil on it.
Then you get some lemon thyme,
you put that in with it,
and you cover it and leave it in the fridge overnight
to fester.
(audience laughs)
But I was in a cafe a few months ago
with one of my friends.
She's the sort of person who prefers savoury over sweet,
I don't really know why we're still friends.
(audience laughs)
It was nice enough.
She ordered a carrot cake,
and I always think a carrot cake
is such an abomination of a cake.
It's like, it's got veg in it, fuck off!
(audience laughs)
Some people choose to put dates and nuts in it,
and you think, you're just removing all of the cake aspects.
What you've got there is a shitty pasty.
(audience laughs)
So she ordered a carrot cake,
I ordered a slice of strawberry cheesecake.
On top of her carrot cake was some icing
and then a slither of something orange coloured,
for decoration, I suppose,
and I said to her, "Is that a bit of carrot."
Fair assumption, it being carrot cake.
And she had a little nibble of it and she went,
"No, it's not carrot."
I said, "Is it orange then?"
She said, "No, it's not orange."
Said, "Well, I'm all out of orange coloured things."
(audience laughs)
"Unless it's the tail of a goldfish, I've got no idea."
(audience chuckles)
She had another nibble of it and she said,
"I think it's apricot."
I said, "Oh, I can't have apricot."
She said, "Why not?"
I said, "I'm allergic to it."
She said, "Ooh, what happens to you?"
(audience chuckles)
I said, "Ooh, I get the shits."
(audience laughs)
And she said, "Is it really bad?"
I said, "Oh yeah,
it was like a chocolate fountain down there."
(audience laughs and groans)
And she said, "Was that just off one?"
I said, "No no. I had a bag of them."
(audience laughs)
She said, "How many was in the bag?"
I said, "I don't know, maybe 40."
(audience laughs)
And it was only as I was telling her
that I realised I'm not allergic to apricots.
(audience titters)
I'm allergic to 40 apricots.
(audience laughs)
But I was on holiday with my sister last year.
and I don't get to see my sister often enough.
And it was lovely to have a week together,
just the two of us.
It was really nice.
And at the end of the week she said something to me
that I'll always hold dear.
She said, "It wasn't until I spent a week with you
that I realised how many meals you can have in a day."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
But she had mistakenly thought
that you had breakfast and lunch,
or, you had brunch.
(she laughs) No!
(audience laughs)
Breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch.
(audience laughs)
Afternoon tea, proper tea, dinner, supper.
(audience laughs)
Elevenses.
And then a midnight snack
that can last anything up to eight hours.
(audience chuckles)
And a Milky Way whenever the fuck you like.
(audience laughs)
But I've got a friend who's really good
at cooking and baking,
and she, I was on the phone to her,
she was showing off a little bit,
she knows some random food facts.
And she said, "Did you know that sugar is a preservative?"
I said, "Ooh, I'll live forever then."
(audience laughs)
She said, "No, you'll probably die quite young
but you won't go off for ages."
(audience laughs)
But she said to me, "If you wanna learn to cook
why don't I just come and stay for the weekend
and I'll teach you some basics."
And I thought, "Actually, it's a really good idea."
She said, "Do you mind if before I come,
if I email you a list of things
I think you should have in your store cupboard."
I've never called it me store cupboard in me life.
It's always been the bean cupboard,
'cause that's where I keep me tins of beans.
But I was a good girl,
I got everything in that she suggested.
I ordered it online,
I'd never ordered food online for delivery before.
If you've never done it, give it a go.
It's amazing.
I typed it into a computer
and a man brought it to the house.
(audience titters)
Some of you are looking at me like, fuck off.
It's real!
(audience laughs)
Typed it into a computer,
somehow a fella got the message,
who had a van and some food,
and he brought it.
You're not taking it seriously.
A man brought food to my house!
(audience titters)
It was like being in a restaurant
but I didn't have to have a bra on.
(audience laughs and applauds)
So like Nando's then.
(audience laughs)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called "Bobby Dazzler."
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks!