-Today's Friday and that's
usually when I catch up on some personal stuff,
you know, I check my inbox, return some emails,
and, of course, I send out thank-you notes.
[ Cheering and applause ] And I was just running a bit behind today,
so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd like to write out my weekly
thank-you notes right now. Is that cool?
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?
-[ Playing tender tune ] [ Laughter ]
-That's my man. -Christmas spirit came early.
-Yeah, Christmas spirit,
the Ghost of Christmas Present right here.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
♪♪
Thank you, Taylor Swift,
for giving us all more "Red."
And thank you, People magazine, for giving us all
more Rudd.
[ Cheering and applause ] -Oh, yeah!
-That's my dude!
-Come on.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
-Thank you, "Red (Taylor's Version),"
[ Cheering and applause ] for being the music world's version
of labeling your food in the office fridge.
[ Cheering and applause ] It's like, "That's mine."
"That's its says, 'Todd's rice pudding.'"
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
"Ugh!" -"Agh!
You don't even understand my life."
[ Laughter ] -"I sit at home,
make rice pudding, I bring it in
and you animals eat it!"
[ Laughter ]
♪♪ [ Laughter and applause ]
-Thank you, "Dexter: New Blood,"
for premiering on Showtime this week.
Or, as "Squid Game" put it,
"Oh, you murder one person each episode?
That's cu-u-u-te."
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, Thanksgiving,
for being the one day in November
we don't spend preparing for Christmas.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I can't wait for Christmas.
-I don't care what anybody says. I like Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay.
♪♪
Thank you, crossword puzzles,
for being the most frustrating way
to remind myself that I'm an idiot.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I don't know any of these things.
"Blank Fallon, host of 'The Tonight Show.'"
-"I have no idea."
[ Laughter ]
-It's you, you dummy!
[ Laughter ] -Oh, ma'am!
[ Laughter ]
It's your name, dummy!
[ Laughter ]
My mom and dad, when we first got "The Tonight Show,"
they watched some local news show
and they had a trivia question thing about me
and they were answering the TV.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-It's like "His first --" and they're like,
"Saugerties High School!"
[ Laughter ] It's like,
"This isn't for you, this game."
[ Aww and laughter ]
But, yeah. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Anyway.
Never mind. -Yeah.
Well, no, wait, what?
-Agh! [ Laughs ] -No.
No, what is it? What is it? -I'm good.
It's just --
Moving on. Never mind. -You seem upset.
-No, I'm fine. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, come on. Don't be that way.
What is it? -No, no, have a good time.
The party's fun, man. Thanks for having me.
I'm going to take you with me. We're having a party.
No, no, no. You can stay. What's the matter?
-Well, I just haven't talked to my dad.
-What about?
-Fifteen years.
[ Suspenseful-melancholy tune plays ]
It all happened because it was Christmas Eve.
-Yeah? [ Laughter ]
-Oh, no. What happened?
-I didn't tell you? -No.
-This is insane.
My grandma... -Right.
I know. I love your grandma.
I just saw her -- -Boy, my dad loved
his own mother, sure. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-We we're drinking, you know. -Sure.
Christmas -- -Christmas Eve, sure.
She had -- She had this wig on and everything,
that matched the candles.
It was blue and silver. It was funny.
We were just having fun and I guess she forgot
to take her pills or something. -Right.
♪♪
Can we turn the cameras off?
[ Jingling bells join music ] [ Laughter ]
She, uh...
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
...staggers out of the house. -Right.
Drunk as a skunk, which is fine. -Crazy-drunk,
embarrassingly drunk, yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh,
we didn't hear from her the next day.
[ Laughter ]
She disappeared? What --
-I found her.
-Where?
-Right in front of the house.
[ Laughter ]
Grandma had been run over by a reindeer.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, my God.
♪♪
Where?
-Walking home, from our house.
-On Christmas Eve?
[ Laughter ] -There were hoof--
Her bare back was exposed. -Right.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
Somehow, her dress had been ripped off.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God!
-There were hoove marks --
-Hoove marks on her back? -Hoove marks on her back.
-Oh, my God! What kind of animals did this?
Reindeer, apparently. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-You can say
you don't believe in Santa. -Right, but your grandpa,
I know he's a man of faith.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-Man of faith, yeah.
We still believe in Santa, yeah.
[ Laughter ] Anyway. [ Clears throat ]
Can't believe I didn't tell you that.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Aww.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Playing tender tune ]
-Thank you, cider doughnuts,
for being regular doughnuts that are like,
"Um, we're not like other doughnuts."
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, goatees,
for being the sweater vest of beards.
There you have it, everybody. Those are my "Thank You Notes."