Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck. And I am a parenting expert and a relationship
expert. In fact, I worked with troubled youth for so many years who had
struggles in their families. One of the key things that i would try to help them
do besides conquering themselves which was
number one was how to fix their relationships with
families. Sometimes our family relationships do
not go like that we wish that they would. And
sometimes, we feel like, "I don't know if there's anything to do." Well, I'm here to
tell you there is something you can do about it
and that's what we're going to talk about in this video. It's all about
how to help your family love you.
Somebody asked me, "Can you tell me how to get your family to love you?"
And yes, I can. But really let's not focus on
getting them to love us, okay? What if we focus on
being lovable? What if we focus on being ready
to pour out our love and to have them feel
attracted to our love for them? Because guess what? We can't make them love us.
We can't. There's no trick. There's no stratagem
that will get your family to love you. But there are principles, there are
truths there are things that you can do and apply within your own heart and in
your own life that will make you more lovable and that
will make them more attracted to your company and to
your companionship. In this video, we're going to talk about
some of my personal stories and then 7 things that you can do
to help your family fall in love with you again.
Sometimes we all make mistakes and I want you to know I've made mistakes in
my own family relationships. Those are some of the hardest things to
remember. Moments when I yelled at my own mother even as an
adult. Moments when i said something in an
effort to help that really didn't help or that somebody
did not definitely see as me wanting to help.
And then they chose to get mad. Maybe hold a grudge, maybe not even talk
to me for a period of time. That feels lonely, it feels sad, it feels
like, "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my family?"
We all make mistakes. There's one thing that I always tell people and that is
"You've got to trust that there's goodness in every single person."
And that when they make mistakes, they're actually
trying to do something that's good most of the time.
If we can remember that then maybe we won't be pushing other people away.
So, if you've been pushed away by family members or you're feeling like it's a
struggle to develop a really good bond with them,
there could be some underlying reasons why that's happening.
You could be having a situation where that other person is dealing with
something that really has nothing else to do with you.
You could be in a situation where that other person maybe psychologically is
more manipulative to you and so you actually can't get
through because they are attempting to control you every time you have an
interaction. I mean, there are certain things that you just can't
control. But there's one thing you can control.
You can control how you feel about you and how you
feel about them. So, let's talk about these 7 things
that have to do with the condition of your heart and your readiness
for that connection and love that you're desiring. Number 1,
forgive yourself. Whatever you did, you probably were trying to do something
good. Okay, maybe you weren't. Maybe you were having a selfish moment.z
We all get those from time to time. But you're human, okay? You're not perfect.
You can't be expected to be perfect and if somebody does expect you to be
perfect, then they are controlling you. They're
controlling you psychologically. So, don't worry about the fact that you
made a mistake. You can fix the mistake. But in order to
fix the mistake, you've got to forgive yourself. So admit
the mistake happened (if you've had one) and forgive yourself.
Even if you haven't had a mistake, there's probably some thoughts you've
had or some things you've done that you feel like might have led to you
being even more disconnected from that family member or
the family group. Forgive yourself for those. Let them go.
Don't hold on to them, don't process them. Don't think about them again and again.
Just stop. Number 2, forgive them. They are not perfect people either.
You have got to forgive them. Maybe they were offended and they don't know how to
handle themselves. Maybe their skills they should have that they don't have.
Everyone's a work in progress. Every relationship is going to have some bumps
and stumbles in the road. Did you know that choosing to overcome
this problem sets you on a track to have an even more
deep and meaningful relationship than you even did before? It's true.
I've had situations with people where we had...
Well, maybe some people might call a falling out. I never fell out. But another
person fell out of love with me and I was sad
about it. But i went to the person. I told them I
was sorry for what I did. And then in my heart, I forgave them even
though they never even fully said that they
were sorry for what they did. And guess what? Over time, they
did then tell me they were sorry. They recognized it.
And they decided to just bond to me and we have
a better connection now than we ever had before.
This person will go to bat for me. This person will stick up for me.
And I don't know if we would have gotten that close.
If this person wouldn't have had the opportunity to forgive me
and if i wouldn't have had the opportunity to forgive them.
Number 3, once you've had the opportunity to forgive yourself
and to forgive them, then drop the subject.
Don't think about it anymore. We don't do ourselves
any favors by rehashing in our minds our past
mistakes or somebody else's past mistakes. Don't even talk about it
anymore. Once you've had the discussion, it's done.
Sometimes inside we get this craving like we need
more closure. Even more we need to discuss it again to
be sure. We need to write about it again. You know what? Sometimes it's better to
just tell ourselves "Just stop talking about this.
Just drop the subject. Just let it go. Move on.
Give yourself a drop the subject command and a move forward command."
That's called self-government. You can do that. Number 4,
be yourself. I think sometimes when we're trying to get somebody to
love us and appreciate us, we start acting a little weird,
a little planned, a little canned. And we don't just
feel comfortable in our own skin and be ourselves.
Just be yourself. Don't try to be the funny guy
or the life of the party or make the coolest desserts
or all those things that we do to show off. Just be a regular person.
It's hard to bond to a person who's trying to seek attention. And when you're
showing off, that's what you're doing. When you're
trying to get everybody to notice you, they have a harder time loving you. Be
real. Share some of your struggles, don't be
perfect. Just be yourself. Okay, don't make up
imperfections. That's unattractive and seems a little manipulative too.
Don't just be a woe is me, share all your problems.
That's another type of attention seeking that nobody likes.
Just be okay. Be you. Don't have to be the center of everything.
And then they'll end up getting a little bit closer to you.
Number 5, be interested. So, ask them questions about what's going
on in their life. Don't always have to share what's
happening in your life. I remember my mother told me when I was
young and i was getting ready to date. "Nicholeen, if you want a guy to ask you
out again, ask him questions. Get him talking about
himself. If you're always just talking about
yourself, he doesn't feel like he's having as fun of a time.
Everyone loves to talk about themselves. So, if you get him talking about himself,
then he'll love your company." This was very sage wisdom. My mother had a great
dating life and i'm pretty sure that's why.
I ended up having a great dating life too because i put that principle into
practice. And I've told it to all of my children.
But this principle is not just for dating and romance.
This is also a good principle of friendship
and family bonding. Talk to people about the things that interest
them. Instead of spending the time, just focusing mostly
on yourself. Number 6, be patient. Just trust a person can have a change of
heart. You might have to wait for it, though.
Sometimes a person takes a while to allow their heart to
change. They're holding on to a grudge. They're holding on to a negative feeling.
They're holding on to disconnection because it feels
easier maybe. Taking a step out of your comfort zone and fixing a relationship
can seem like a lot of work sometimes. So, be patient.
Just trust that time sometimes does really heal all wounds and bring people
together. It breaks down fences and walls. Just
wait for the time. Pray for the time if you're
a praying person. And then just notice it when it comes.
Sometimes your family may not even want to talk to you
for who knows how long. That's hard because you don't even know how to break
through to that person then. How do you even fix a relationship when
there's no way to relate? Well, there's always the waiting. There's
always the patient love. There's always the understanding that
comes with trusting they'll have a change of heart too.
Sometimes when you don't force, it's better.
Number 7, have good communication. So, when you do have the opportunity to
interact with your family members, maybe you're still living at home and you're
interacting all the time. Make sure that the communication is good.
What makes really good communication? Predictability, having a plan, following
skills, not letting your emotions take over,
having good problem solving skills and
times and meetings and stuff to solve your problems. Having
combined standards that you can agree on, open communication. There are so many
things that affect good communication in a
family. Even though the next video that i'm
going to refer you to is a video about training children, the
principles in that video relate to anyone whether they have
children or not. So, please go to the next video which
is in the corner called How To Teach Problem Solving To
Kids.