Prepare for the final installment of the Twilight franchise
that tweens and lonely moms have been waiting for,
and that dads could not care less about
Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Parts 1 & 2)
The tedious book that was turned into two bloated movies just to squeeze more money
from gullible women.
Featuring the wedding that attempts to justify the franchise's creepy
pedophilia.
Because remember, he's like a hundred years old and she's still a
teenager.
And the honeymoon where Mouth Breather and Shovel Face finally have sex...
only to immediately get pregnant.
"I'm late."
Prompting the pro-life message that abortion is never okay...
"The fetus isn't good for Bella."
"Say the word, Alice: 'baby'."
even when a monster vampire baby tries to eat itself out of its mother's womb.
"Ahhhhhh!"
And creating an awful new baby name for an entire generation of Teen
Moms.
"Renesmee."
"Is he weird?"
Witness, Teen Wolf finally getting over Dead Eyes by instead falling in love with her creepy
CGI baby.
"So should I start calling you dad?"
"No."
Gross.
But when Mouthbreather nearly dies during childbirth, Shovel Face
must transform her from a human who can't act...
"Why can't you see how perfectly happy I am?"
to a vampire who can't act.
"You nicknamed my daughter after the Lochness monster!?"
Honestly, even the movie had to teach her how to act human.
"Blink at least three times a minute."
"Good."
Brace yourself, for two movies so unnecessarily long, that they include
five Volvo commercials
two montages of the previous Twilight movies
four games of chess
and the most
stares
ever.
Like seriously, ever... we counted.
Suffer through four hours of painfully stupid characters,
like this pack of dogs who bark English
The Cullens, who spend every movie standing around watching people
A grandfather who doesn't notice that his own grandaughter has aged
eight years over the course of a few months.
And Kristen Stewart, and her inability to use toothpaste.
Filmmaking so lazy that vampires no longer sparkle even in direct sunlight
Sex ed is done through Yahoo searches
And the ultimate climax of all five movies...
...was all a dream.
"That's your future."
...what a ripoff.
Starring...
Shovel Face
Skeletor
Taylor Swift
Ron Burgundy
North Dakota
and Snow Dogs.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn
So he's gonna have to live with Kristen Stewart forever? I'd rather get my head
ripped off.
Hey, why not do us a solid and revisit all 4 Twilight trailers.
I'll be your best friend!