This is Thaddeus Matthews.
I'm the guy that you're talking about all around the country
as the "cussing pastor."
Yes, I curse! Hell, Jesus probably cursed!
Jesus be sittin' up in Heaven
lookin' at you ignorant-ass Negroes
and saying, "Damn, I made that fool?"
You got to be careful, ladies, who you [bleep].
You [bleep] some of anything and everybody.
I cuss! Everybody cuss!
Do you kiss your flock with that mouth?
That guy spittin' the holy shit is Thaddeus, the Cussin' Pastor.
And the only thing he has in common with Billy Graham
is that they're both a little ashy.
Dropping F-bombs in the name of religion
is better than dropping actual bombs because of religion.
Woke joke.
As long he's not giving reach-arounds to altar boys,
I don't give a shit what he says.
Hosanna!
Cuss words are a gift from God.
Without them, all rappers would be Will Smith.
Bill Cosby famously refused to use profanity,
but he'll be cursing up a storm in prison
when he's forced to take his cellmate's pudding pop
and put it in... [as Bill Cosby] "You see! Rudy!"
I heard George Carlin used to do a bit
about the seven dirty words you can't say on television.
Let's see how it holds up.
Shit, piss, [bleep], [bleep],
[bleep]sucker, mother[bleep], and tits.
Turns out it's now four.
That's progress! [ Laughter ]
I wouldn't mind adding "squirt" to the list.
That word is gross.
Squirt.
Thaddeus has a clean soul attached to a filthy mouth.
But you got to preach blue to put asses in the pew.
That's why I flew the Cussin' Pastor to Hollywood,
where everyone's Jewish,
for this week's CeWEBrity Profile.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
What the [bleep] is all this?
Pastor Matthews. You're the first to arrive.
Have a seat.
Thanks for speaking at my super-secret
celebrity prayer group.
Thanks to the godless liberals who run Hollywood,
the most hated group here isn't women or people of color...
it's Christians.
Well, I don't consider myself a Christian.
I call myself a spiritualist,
and I think that everyone,
even if it's these characters in Hollywood,
should be able to address themselves
to the god of their choice.
Unless it's the Church of Scientology.
Then damn them to hell, I say.
Hell, they been [bleep] up all the time.
Is it the "Cursing Pastor," or the "Cussing Pastor"?
It's the Cussing Pastor. There's a difference. Okay.
In cussing, I use words
that you may think are not the proper words, or --
I'm fine with all of them, for the record. Okay.
If I tell you, "Take yo' ass to Hell, you're going to Hell,
you ain't no damn good,"
you know, "yous a mother[bleep] low life," that's cursing.
That was like three examples there, that was a lot.
But Jesus was a cusser.
You think Jesus cussed
when they were hammering the nails into his hands?
If somebody was putting nails in your hands,
you'd say a little shit too, wouldn't you?
I definitely would.
Is your message tailored to more the black community,
or are you open to all?
The truth is not tailor-made,
the truth is just the truth, no matter who you are.
Okay. Jesus was not a white man.
I know that blonde-haired, blue-eyed guy that --
Beautiful blonde hair, blue eyes. Nice abs.
You know, his name is Cesare Borgia.
Jesus's name was Cesare Borgia?
He was a homosexual. Jesus was a homosexual?!
That one y'all got on the wall.
Oh, the one that we have on the walls is a homosexual.
He looks like a homosexual.
Are you a Steelers fan? Yes, I am.
What do you think... was that a catch?
We should've went to the Super Bowl. I know.
I had all my money on the Super Bowl,
and I thought the Steelers were a sure thing.
Okay, but I thought the Bible was against gambling.
I think that one of the things the church has done,
you're alienating young folk,
because you've got all of these doctrines
and these misconceptions of what Jesus said
and, hell, you wasn't there.
It's about being real, it's about the truth,
and I don't give a damn what none of you bitches said --
and none of you hoe-ass [bleep], either.
You were put in Facebook prison.
I just got out of Facebook jail Friday.
I went back in while I was here.
Statistically, most people that get out of Facebook jail
end up back in Facebook jail.
Church is boring. Not mine.
That's what I'm sayin'!
You've made something that a lot of young people find boring
very entertaining.
And I don't get paid at my church. I get no salary.
You don't pass the collection?
We pass the basket, of course... Okay.
...because church is a business.
But you don't have to pay taxes.
Praise the lord! [ Laughs ]
What about premarital sex? What about it?
Is it okay?
I wouldn't have a woman
that I ain't tried it out with. Uh-huh.
Would you? No. No.
I mean, you've tried out women.
I might need to try it out for a year, year and a half. Yeah!
Yeah, you at least all know what you're riding in.
'Cause I like a lot of the more freaky things. Okay.
So you might not be no freak.
See, it's a turn on to me to watch a woman take a dildo
and do that thing to her...
get that thing that twirls all around.
Hell, when you get 60 years old, damn, it's less work for you.
Oh, no, no, I'm -- listen, I'm all for taking a shortcut wherever I can.
[ Laughs ] I didn't mean to imply that I don't need help.
Let me tell you something.
Some of the biggest freaks I've ever found is in the church.
You get one of them, "I ain't never did this before in my life,"
then she blows you like you're a trombone.
I have a masseuse, if you need it.
Thanks, Pete.
How do you justify swearing when Ephesians 4:29 says,
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths
but only what is helpful for building others up"?
What's unwholesome to you, does it have to be unwholesome to me?
Yes. Why?
Because all men are created equal.
No, we're not. Okay.
I don't think that the problem is in...
That's good, that's good. Do you want a massage?
No. That's all right. You sure?
He got a sister? You got to have a man rub you, 'cause it's stronger.
It feels way better. I know some strong women that can do it good.
Mm...
You don't mind your male pastor
taking [bleep] up the ass and [bleep] dick.
You don't mind when he lays his hands on you on Sunday morning
his hands have been on some man's sweaty balls.
Is it really possible to pray the gay away?
If you like a little [bleep] in your ass, fine.
Hold on, not all gay people have anal sex.
They don't? No!
What do they do? Uh, blowjobs.
That's all? Hand-- Yeah.
Just like a lot of straight men like anal sex.
Nngh. Don't look at me like that.
No, there's some freak in you.
Some straight men like a finger in their butt from their lady.
Your butthole doesn't know the difference between
a big finger and a small dick.
I bet it does. No, it doesn't.
What's your favorite cuss word?
Mother[bleep].
See, mother[bleep] is so descriptive.
You can be a white mother[bleep],
a black mother[bleep]...
I don't ever put a color in front of mother[bleep].
...a rich mother[bleep]... I like that.
...an old mother[bleep], ugly mother[bleep].
A dusty mother[bleep]. Yeah!
A bad mother[bleep]. Yeah!
Raunchy mother[bleep].
Sweaty mother[bleep]. Yes.
Preppy mother[bleep] [bleep] Alabama mother[bleep]! Yes! Yes!
So many mother[bleep].
Any Christian worth his salt watches Fox News,
so I trust you've seen ads for the Wonder Bible. No.
It's this plastic little radio,
and then it just reads you some out-of-context scripture
with no real message.
The only thing I "wonder" is how they haven't gone bankrupt.
But I say we take that 1978 technology
and create a product that even nonbelievers
would find cool as shit.
I could create one of those.
Announcer: Throw away your Wonder Bible.
It's The Boom Bible by Thaddeus.
The Good Book just got better.
Paper Bibles are so flimsy and old-fashioned.
No thanks!
With The Boom Bible, the sacred scriptures
are available at the touch of a button.
The King Kendrick version of the scriptures, that is.
Written and read by the Cussing Pastor himself,
Thaddeus Matthews.
A raw, street-smart remix of the holy word.
Take God's ghetto blaster with you everywhere you go.
You've got to reach the kids to teach the kids.
Take it on faith, there's nothing cooler.
When you don't know what to say,
let God and Thaddeus speak for you.
The Boom Bible by Thaddeus.
Keep your favorite filthy pastor right at your fingertips.
And I swear to God,
act now and we'll include close to a pound and a half
of skirt steak,
and this coffee mug that says "Boss Bitch."
Call today. [ Cheers and applause ]
So much more talk about dildos
than I was expecting from a pastor.